Big Feelings - Book Summary

Navigating the maze of emotion: How to ease the burden of your feelings

Imagine yourself in a bustling crowd — notice the variety of minor details: ponytails, bushy eyebrows, freckles, and nose piercings. What isn't immediately apparent, however, is the invisible load each person carries: uncertainty, envy, anger, burnout, and sometimes even despair.

The fact is, emotions, particularly intense ones, have become more pronounced for many since the pandemic. These big feelings often remain the hardest to express.

Today, let's explore the insights from the book "Big Feelings" by Mollie West Duffy and Liz Fosslien. The book shares strategies on how to recognize and effectively communicate these emotions, not necessarily to resolve all issues at once, but to begin addressing them constructively.

In our discussion, we will delve into:

- The reasons behind increased stress when faced with uncertainty

- Transforming envy from a negative force into a catalyst for positive change

- Harnessing and channeling rightly directed anger for constructive outcomes

This journey through "Big Feelings" aims to equip you with the knowledge to better manage and articulate your emotions, setting the stage for more genuine progress and relief

Confronting uncertainty: A guide to navigating the unknown

One ordinary day, Liz, one of the co-authors, was struck by a severe headache. It was so intense that she ended up in the hospital, navigating a maze of uncertainty. It wasn't a tumor, nor an aneurysm — but what was it? As doctors tried various treatments ranging from Botox injections to anti-epileptic drugs — that led her to a panic attack and more hospital visits — the most challenging part for Liz was not knowing the root of her affliction. Uncertainty, it turns out, is profoundly unsettling.

This feeling is not just anecdotal — research supports it. Imagine being told you have a fifty percent chance of getting a mild electric shock. Chances are, you would feel anxious. But if that probability increased to ninety percent, your stress might actually decrease. Why? Because knowing what to expect, even if it's unpleasant, is often less taxing than uncertainty.

So, what should you do when caught in the grips of uncertainty?

First, resist the urge to distract yourself from the problem. It's tempting to bury your worry under a flurry of activities, but it's crucial to sit with your feelings. Allow yourself to fully experience them — you might find that simply acknowledging them reduces their intensity.

Next, get specific. Ask yourself: What exactly am I worried about? Envision the range of possible outcomes, from the worst to the best. This mental exercise can help demystify fears and put your anxieties into perspective.

However, it's important not to veer into catastrophizing. Remember, the worst-case scenario is not the only outcome. Once you've mapped out the potential realities, focus on what elements you can control and try to let go of what you cannot. This echoes the wisdom of knowing the difference between what is within our control and what isn't.

As for Liz — she learned to manage her migraines and adapted her lifestyle to mitigate the pain as much as possible. It wasn't an ideal solution, but it marked a shift from uncertainty to acceptance, proving that sometimes, understanding and confronting our worries can transform them into something manageable.

Understanding envy and the art of comparison

Mollie, one of the co-authors, found herself in a challenging emotional situation. She and her friend Vanessa had shared a remarkably similar life path—they both authored books and got married around the same time. However, when Vanessa became pregnant and Mollie did not, Mollie felt a barrier rise between them. The comparison was too painful, and she found herself avoiding Vanessa.

This story illustrates a common human behavior: comparison. In today's digital age, with platforms like Instagram showcasing highlights of people's lives, the urge to compare has intensified. But such comparisons can also sever meaningful relationships, as was nearly the case for Mollie and Vanessa.

When faced with envy, whether it's about a friend's career success or another's lifestyle, the first step is acknowledgment. Recognize what specifically triggers your envy. Ask yourself: What exactly do they have that I desire? Would I really be happier living that life?

Take Liz, for example. She envied an acquaintance's high-profile business role, attracted by the prestige it conferred. However, upon reflection, she realized she disliked many aspects of that lifestyle, like endless meetings and managing teams. Her envy, though intense, was rooted not in a genuine desire for that life but in a longing for external validation.

Alternatively, envy can serve as a revealing mirror, highlighting our deepest desires. This was the case with Gretchen Ruben, a lawyer who, upon learning that a former classmate had become a writer, confronted her own suppressed aspirations. This reflection catalyzed her career shift to writing, where she found tremendous success.

While comparisons can lead to self-detrimental thoughts, if approached thoughtfully, they can also prompt significant personal growth and understanding. It's crucial, though, to remember that social media often presents an idealized slice of life, not a full picture. Comparing your worst to someone else's best is not only unfair but can skew your perception of both your life and theirs.

Lastly, acknowledging that everyone progresses through life at their own pace is vital. Life isn't a race, and each path is unique. Embracing this can alleviate much of the pain born from comparison.

After some time and reflection, Mollie reconnected with Vanessa and expressed her feelings. Understanding and compassionate, Vanessa supported her friend through her emotional turmoil. Their paths might differ, but their renewed friendship stands strong, reminding us that at different stages, we can still support each other.

Righteous anger and its constructive power

Anger, much like comparison, is often portrayed negatively. However, not all anger damages; sometimes, it's a justified response to genuine wrongs. Consider the experience of Griffin, a friend of the authors, who encountered a distressing and demeaning situation while on a business trip. A senior colleague inappropriately touched him and mocked him, igniting a complex mix of shame and confusion. Raised to view anger as undesirable, Griffin initially suppressed his feelings.

It wasn't until a friend labeled the incident as sexual harassment that Griffin allowed himself to really feel anger. This turn of emotion didn't lead him down a path of litigation as one might expect. Instead, he focused his energies on securing a new job—a proactive step, using his anger as a catalyst for change rather than a cause for destruction.

Anger, then, can act like water — flowing, accumulating, always seeking a way out, as noted by author Soraya Chemaly. To bottle it up is to invite eventual overflow or breakage; it's far healthier to channel it effectively.

The journey to managing anger constructively starts with acknowledging it. One practical approach is by maintaining an "anger log." This involves recording incidents that trigger anger over a period, helping identify and understand emotional patterns and triggers.

Different people handle anger in different ways:

- Some suppress it, letting it simmer internally.

- Others project it outward, often unfairly displacing it onto others.

- There are those who deny its existence, maintaining a façade of tranquility.

However, the most constructive approach is transforming anger. Anger transformers recognize the potential to redirect this powerful emotion into productive, creative action. They channel their emotional energy not into revenge or suppression, but into personal growth and solution-oriented activities.

Transforming anger doesn't necessarily mean visible confrontations or aggressive actions. It can also mean taking a moment to meditate and gain clarity, ensuring responses are measured and not merely reactionary. The goal isn't to eliminate anger but to harness it, using its energy to propel oneself forward constructively.

In Griffin's case, the transformation of anger led to a positive change in his professional environment, proving that even in its fiercest form, anger can be a force for profound personal evolution and assertiveness. This approach doesn't deny the emotion but leverages it in a way that contributes to personal well-being and professional fulfillment.

Recognizing and reacting to burnout

Mollie's tale of burnout began in an all-too-familiar setting: cramped in a plane seat, jet-setting from one city to another, balancing a demanding consultancy role and writing a book with Liz. It was during a plane ride home for Christmas—after stops in New York City, Montreal, Shanghai, and D.C.—that she felt the onset of something more than just physical exhaustion.

As her neighbor in first class coughed, an overwhelming anxiety gripped Mollie, not about catching a potential virus, but about the sheer inability to afford any downtime. Despite the luxurious setting, provided by the miles she'd accumulated, her body was on the brink. Soon after, she caught a severe cold, and her condition forced the cancellation of several key book launch events. This wasn't just physical illness—it was burnout manifesting physically, a problem she grapples with to this day.

In response, Mollie made profound life changes. Leaving the hectic pace of New York for the quieter Los Angeles, she allowed herself grace over missing a gym session or not immediately responding to an email, and took meaningful steps towards crafting a more sustainable career that allowed time for self-care.

Burnout is essentially your body's distress signal, a way of saying "enough is enough" and urging a change in commitments and lifestyle. It doesn't discriminate by profession; it can affect anyone, from globe-trotting executives to office workers feeling trapped in meaningless jobs.

Addressing burnout requires a shift in how you approach your work and life balance. For someone experiencing burnout like Mollie, it's about accepting that giving anything less than 100% sometimes is not only okay but necessary. Striving to operate at about 80% capacity could be key, leaving room for other life aspects that bring joy and recovery.

It’s crucial to reassess what portions of your job bring value and which parts contribute to feelings of overwhelm or inadequacy. Understand what truly matters and try to distance yourself from tasks or responsibilities that drain your spirit. Also, if you're investing a significant amount of effort without experiencing the satisfaction of achievement, it might be time to rethink what you genuinely value professionally.

Addressing burnout isn't just about recovering from a bad phase; it's about recalibrating life to prevent its recurrence, giving yourself permission to prioritize wellbeing over perpetual productivity.

Breaking free from the shackles of perfectionism

Liz's life was a unique blend of quirks and disorder. Her favorite pajamas were men's pants with a hole, and her go-to midnight snack was popcorn drenched in soy sauce. Despite the chaotic state of her apartment, this was her comfort zone until a bout of food poisoning revealed how deeply ingrained her perfectionism was. When her boyfriend offered to visit and cook soup, panic set in at the thought of him seeing her less-than-perfect living space—a panic so intense, it made her physically ill.

Perfectionism is a trait that many wear as a badge of honor, believing it drives them to achieve success. However, for every perfectionist who uses this trait as a stepping stone, there's another for whom perfectionism is a paralyzing force, preventing them from taking action due to fear of not meeting impossibly high standards.

But how does one start to detach from the grip of perfectionism? A key step is redefining your relationship with failure. Rather than viewing success and failure as diametric opposites, imagine them as different shades of experience that contribute to your personal growth. Each setback offers valuable lessons that pave the way to future successes.

Shifting your perception involves recognizing that the imperfections you criticize in yourself are often invisible or insignificant to others. Reflect on what your friends value most about you; it's likely not the things you obsess over, like a spotless email inbox.

Another effective strategy is to personify your perfectionist tendencies—give that critical inner voice a name, whether it's something humorous like Bozo or more sinister like Voldemort. Distancing yourself from these thoughts can help you see them for what they are: an unhelpful narrative, not an unchangeable reality.

Liz's story has a heartwarming conclusion: the very imperfections she feared would drive her boyfriend away were inconsequential to him. They not only moved in together shortly after his soup-making visit but eventually got married.

The lesson here extends beyond personal relationships; it's about embracing your genuine self and letting go of the unfounded fear that your imperfections are barriers to acceptance and love. In breaking the chains of perfectionism, you not only free yourself from unnecessary stress but also open the door to a more authentic, fulfilled life.

Overcoming depths of despair

In addressing the intense emotion of despair, it’s necessary to begin with a caution: this discussion includes mentions of suicide. If this topic might be distressful, you may choose to skip this content.

Mollie, at 32, had seemingly everything going for her: a newly released book and a happy marriage. Unexpectedly, however, she found herself enveloped in despair, triggered by chronic pain in her feet that made it excruciating to stand for more than a few minutes. Medical treatments offered little relief and even worsened her condition at times.

Added to her physical ailments was the emotional toll of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, which led to significant stress and further health complications like the cessation of her menstrual cycle.

During one particularly dark moment on a work trip, Mollie was so overtaken by despair that she penned a farewell note to her family and devised a plan to end her life. Lying on a hotel bed, she contemplated carrying out her plan but found herself unable to make the necessary phone call to execute it.

Despair, as Mollie experienced, can reach severe depths and has been increasingly prevalent. If you find yourself facing similar overwhelming feelings, it’s vital to accept that there’s no quick fix—recovery is a gradual journey.

Rather than aiming to get through each day, focus on navigating moments one by one. During acute phases of despair, even an evening can feel interminable. Find respite in simple pleasures: a warm shower, a favorite film, or comforting food. These small indulgences can provide brief escapes that help manage unbearable feelings.

Celebrating minor accomplishments is also crucial. Something as routine as visiting the pharmacy can be a monumental task when struggling with despair. Recognizing these small victories can reinforce your resilience and capacity to endure challenging times.

Communication is key, yet it's important to be selective about your confidants. Engage with people who offer empathy rather than mere sympathy and temporarily distance yourself from those who might not understand the depth of your struggle.

Mollie’s path through despair was not marked by a sudden breakthrough but by a gradual accumulation of small changes and support systems: a new job, engaging in a book club, and the unwavering support from her husband.

Looking back, Mollie is astounded by her own resilience—drawing strength from experiences she once thought insurmountable. Her journey through despair underscores a powerful message: recovery might be gradual and unsteady, but each step, no matter how small, is a stride towards regaining stability.

Learning from the echoes of regret

Liz's story of regret begins with her cherished childhood summers in Germany at her grandmother's house, surrounded by floral wallpapers and cozy armchairs. These memories remained vibrant and dear to her heart. However, when her grandmother passed away, Liz faced a crucial decision. Amidst a busy career push, she declined her mother's request to help clear out her grandmother's house in Germany, choosing her professional commitments over her personal ones. That decision left a lasting sting of regret.

Regret is a universally human emotion, hardwired into our brains to help us learn from past mistakes. However, it often lingers over decisions that, at the time, were logical or even necessary, leaving us agonizing over what might have been.

Understanding the different types of regret can illuminate ways to deal with them. Hindsight regrets occur when we wish we had the knowledge we possess now, back when we made a certain decision. Alternate-self regrets surface when we imagine an entirely different life based on other choices.

For both types, the strategy involves shedding the rose-tinted glasses with which we view these unrealized lives. Acknowledge that different choices would've fundamentally changed who you are today, possibly at the expense of what you currently cherish.

Rushing-in regrets stem from hasty decisions, while dragging-out regrets come from excessive hesitation. These regrets can serve as valuable lessons for refining future decision-making. Reflect on why you hurried or delayed, and consider how a balanced approach might alter outcomes moving forward.

Ignoring-your-instincts regrets remind us that sometimes our gut feelings are correct. If you've regretted not following your instincts, take it as a sign of their reliability and learn to trust them more moving forward. Self-sabotage regrets are often linked to deeper issues, like addiction, requiring introspection and perhaps professional help to understand and overcome.

While it's unrealistic to eliminate regrets entirely, shifting from a mindset of "should haves" to "what if" can be transformative. This shift allows you to use regret constructively, focusing on future possibilities rather than past missteps.

Liz's narrative comes full circle when faced with another family crisis involving her father's health. This time, informed by her previous regret, she didn't hesitate; she flew to Chicago immediately. This decision underscores a profound lesson: life’s regrets can be instructive, guiding us toward better choices when similar situations arise again. Through this, Liz transformed her regret into a tool for personal growth and better decision-making in her future.

Embracing and transcending big feelings

Big feelings—those overwhelming emotions like comparison, despair, and regret—can often feel like insurmountable obstacles. Yet, as we navigate through them, they offer unique opportunities for profound personal growth. The key to managing these intense emotions is not to suppress them, but to acknowledge and understand them.

In every instance, whether it's battling envy when comparing yourselves to others or grappling with the depths of despair, the initial step is recognition. Accepting your emotions as valid and real is foundational to dealing with them effectively. Ignoring or downplaying these feelings only exacerbates the problem, whereas facing them head-on starts the process of recovery and adaptation.

While you might never completely erase these big feelings, you can certainly learn to mitigate their impact and channel them in constructive ways. By understanding the root causes of emotions like regret or anger, you can begin to reshape your reactions and decisions for the better.

This journey of emotional mastery isn't about eliminating emotions; rather, it's about refining how they influence you. By learning from each emotional challenge, you transform potential weaknesses into strengths, using every big feeling as a stepping stone toward a more resilient and self-aware version of yourself.

In essence, big feelings don't have to be your downfall. When approached with mindfulness and a willingness to grow, they can lead to significant personal breakthroughs, enhancing your capacity to navigate the complexities of life with greater ease and confidence.