Crying in H Mart - Book Summary

Discover a touching tale of a daughter's journey through identity, passion, and grief

Michelle Zauner's memoir, 'Crying in H Mart' is an emotional testament that stretches the breadth of a range of poignant themes — the perils of battling an illness, the sting of losing a loved one, and the introspective quest for one's own identity.

Her beautifully articulated narrative unwraps intimate details of her life, unapologetically sharing the arduous struggles and a profusion of emotions that have been the drumbeat of her life journey. Zauner offers the reader a snapshot of her Korean mother's life, her tempestuous relationship with her, and the emotional turmoil that followed her death. Her narrative meanders through memories of her childhood in Eugene, Oregon, leading us to the heart of Seoul where we get acquainted with her mother's family — the emos (aunts) and halmoni (grandmother).

Intertwined in her narrative is her pursuit of understanding and embracing her Korean identity, living in less than comfortable circumstances, experiencing the heady rush of falling in love, and her serendipitous discovery of music.

One of the compelling strands of her story is her depiction of food. In her world, food becomes a language of love, a culinary canvas through which her mother, Chongmi, communicates affection and approval. Food is also her tether to her Korean roots, and in the aftermath of her mother's death, it transforms into a source of solace.

Music too, plays an instrumental role in Zauner's life. Her emotive storytelling takes the reader along on her journey through grief, showing how music served as an outlet, eventually culminating in her breakthrough debut album, 'Psychopomp' in 2016.

Regardless of your familiarity with Zauner's alter ego — Japanese Breakfast, her music, or your palate for Korean cuisine, 'Crying in H Mart' promises to enchant you with its raw honesty, expressive prose, and heartwarming perspective. It may even introduce you to a new cultural horizon and gastronomy.

The following summary might not delve into every banchan (Korean side dish) narrated in 'Crying in H Mart', but it will certainly whet your appetite and provide you with a flavor of Zauner's extraordinary journey.

Embarking on a culinary voyage at H Mart

In the United States, H Mart is a popular Asian supermarket chain. "H" represents “han ah reum,” a phrase in Korean that signifies “one arm full of groceries.” Generally located on the peripheries of cities, H Mart is often the central attraction in an ensemble of Asian markets and eateries found in suburban strip malls.

An average H Mart encompasses a variety of facilities - a food court, a pharmacy, an appliance shop, and a beauty counter. However, it's the grocery section that truly defines the essence of H Mart. This is where you’ll find the soy-sauce eggs, chilled radish soup, and dumpling skins that bring back waves of nostalgia for Michelle Zauner, reminding her of her late mother. Browsing through an array of seaweed brands, Zauner finds herself grappling with her identity, questioning her Korean-ness in the absence of a family member to consult on the brand they once used. Her father, a Caucasian man hailing from Philadelphia, would surely be oblivious to such specifics.

Zauner isn't alone in her quest for the right ingredients and a familial connection at H Mart. She observes a Korean family sharing meals and stories at the food court. She notices a group of Chinese students seeking out their favorite kind of noodles. When she spots a child joyously holding two packs of ppeongtwigi, a Korean snack, she can't help but shed tears. Oddly enough, she can discuss her mother's hair loss due to chemotherapy with stoicism, but a simple snack sets off a flood of tears.

Food, for Zauner, is a gateway to profound emotions, predominantly because it was her mother, Chongmi's language of love. Chongmi’s expressions of affection often took the form of food, always being mindful of an individual's preferences, whether it was an extra serving of noodles, less spice, or the exclusion of tomatoes. She made sure to prepare your favorite dishes upon your arrival. Chongmi, an ardent food lover herself, reveled in an array of favorite dishes and "usuals", most of which were Korean specialties.

Chongmi's parenting style was one of stern love, and as a young girl, Michelle yearned for her approval. A significant path to achieving this was through food. This realization dawned on Michelle during a visit to a fish market in Seoul, where she was dining with her mother and her aunts, Nami and Eunmi. The initial dish placed on the table was filled with live octopus tentacles. Despite their writhing movements, she musters up the courage to take a bite, following her mother's lead. Her family's enthusiastic reaction fuels her passion for food.

Growing up, Michelle's culinary horizon was diverse, thanks to her parents exposing her to a rich array of flavors. As a result, she developed an affinity for caviar, lobster, and all types of raw fish at a young age. However, the tastiest seasoning that elevated each meal was her mother's approval. Such moments were frequent, like during a trip to Seoul when a bout of jet lag found Michelle and her mother raiding her grandmother's fridge for leftovers. In the quiet darkness of the night, as Michelle relished the strong-flavored leftovers, Chongmi declared her a true Korean, a testament to the deep link between identity, approval, and food.

The tune of rebellion and dreams

Growing up, Michelle was considered the 'difficult' child, often referred to by her Aunt Nami as the “Famous Bad Girl”. From hiding in department stores to inviting danger with her head-on approach towards sharp objects, and regular public tantrums, Michelle proved to be quite a handful. Despite her behavior, she made an effort to comply with her mother’s stringent regulations during her early years. Her motivation for obedience stemmed from her desire to avoid feeling isolated in their home, located in a secluded area surrounded by forests, seven miles away from Eugene.

As she transitioned into her high school years, Michelle's rebellious nature took center stage. She began to resist conformity and rules, spiraling into an abyss of teenage angst and depression.

In her quest to break free from her indifferent state, Michelle discovered her refuge — music. She found herself profoundly captivated by songwriters and their thought-provoking lyrics, particularly identifying with Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse, whose work encapsulated the essence of life in the Pacific Northwest. A pivotal moment for Michelle was witnessing a live performance of the band, Yeah Yeah Yeahs on a DVD. Karen O, the band's half-Korean, half-white frontwoman, not only looked like her but also challenged the stereotypical image of a 'demure Asian'.

Buoyed by this newfound inspiration, Michelle persistently urged her mother to buy her an affordable guitar and enrol her for basic lessons. She dedicated countless hours to practice, despite the discomfort, and also befriended Nick, a charming boy from her English class who had a band in middle school. Gradually, she began recording her own songs, sharing them on Myspace, and performing at open mics and high school charity events. Eventually, she was given the chance to perform as an opening act for the renowned singer-songwriter, Maria Taylor, at WOW Hall in Eugene — a momentous landmark in her musical journey.

Following an awkward interaction with Taylor backstage, Michelle performed her set flawlessly, earning genuine applause from the audience. Her parents let her stay and watch Taylor's performance, during which she performed her hit song, "Xanax". Seeing Taylor perform on the same stage she had just occupied further cemented Michelle's aspiration — perhaps, music was her true calling.

Still basking in the euphoria of her performance, Michelle decided to share her newfound dream with her mother over lunch at Seoul Cafe, the town's only Korean restaurant. However, Chongmi's dismissive response to her ambitions led to an outburst from Michelle and widened the rift between them. The vibrant strings of Michelle’s newfound musical passion now resonated against the discordant chords of her personal life.

A bitter brew: The aftermath of rebellion and the echo of disease

Post their tiff at Seoul Cafe, a young and rebellious Michelle moves out of her house. She takes refuge at her friends' homes and frequents local squats where she indulges in aimless activities with other troubled youth. Her lack of interest in school soon leads to flunking in all her subjects, and dark thoughts begin to hover in her mind.

Eventually, Chongmi intervenes and resolves Michelle's academic issues while also arranging for her therapy. Despite her turbulent teenage years, Michelle manages to secure admission at Bryn Mawr College, situated just outside Philadelphia. The mother and daughter collectively acknowledge that the distance could perhaps mend their strained relationship. However, just before Michelle leaves for college, she engages in a physical brawl with Chongmi, during which her mother confesses having considered abortion due to Michelle’s difficult behavior.

Nevertheless, time proves to be a miraculous healer. Away from each other, their fractured relationship gradually heals. Chongmi regularly sends care packages filled with Michelle's favored Korean snacks, ramen, and rice to Bryn Mawr. Gradually, Michelle starts to recognize and appreciate the toil behind Chongmi’s role as a homemaker and parent, especially after she steps into her post-college life living in untidy apartments shared with unemployed musicians.

At 25, as Michelle is contemplating leaving her struggling artist lifestyle behind, she receives the dreadful news — Chongmi is diagnosed with cancer. Her boyfriend Peter provides her solace during this traumatic time. Desperate to make amends, Michelle hatches a plan to redeem herself and rectify past wrongs while tending to her ailing mother.

Overcoming Chongmi's protests, Michelle quits her multiple part-time jobs, puts her band's activities on hold, and moves back to Eugene to assume the role of her mother's caretaker. She begins jogging, a healthy habit that her mom had always advocated. She also starts visiting Sunrise Market, Eugene’s local Asian grocery store that rekindles a myriad of childhood memories. She lovingly prepares her mother's favorite dishes, ensuring they are easily digestible, such as gyeranjjim, a savory Korean egg custard, and mochi, a Japanese rice cake. But chemotherapy drastically curbs Chongmi's appetite.

On the fourth day of chemo, Chongmi starts vomiting uncontrollably, and she is unable to even keep down water. The situation worsens the following day when she is too weak to get out of bed and throws up in a bucket, which Michelle tirelessly empties and cleans.

As they prepare to take Chongmi for an oncologist’s appointment, Michelle and her father, Joel, are hit by the stark reality of her deteriorating health — Chongmi can neither stand nor speak. Desperate to escape, she clings onto the car door as they drive. They pull over and shift her to the backseat, where a distressed Michelle tries to comfort her hallucinating mother. Upon their tumultuous arrival at the oncology clinic, they are immediately directed to head straight to the Emergency Room. This was the bitter reality of the merciless disease that Michelle had to face as a caretaker.

A turbulent voyage: From the valleys of Oregon to the heart of Seoul and onto wedded bliss

A gravely ill Chongmi becomes unresponsive for several days and requires hospitalization for two weeks. She gathers the strength to face another round of chemotherapy, but the treatment proves ineffective — the malignant masses persist.

Haunted by the memory of her sister Eunmi's futile struggle with cancer after enduring 24 grueling chemotherapy sessions, Chongmi resolves to limit herself to just two rounds of treatment. Respecting her personal decision, the family supports Chongmi in her wish to undertake a final journey to Korea.

However, the trans-Pacific flight takes a toll on Chongmi's deteriorating health. Arriving in Seoul, she is plagued by fever and shivers. Chongmi's health nosedives even further in the hospital — her stomach bloating, her feet and legs covered in edema, her lips dotted with sores, and white blisters on her tongue. She is unable to eat and loses control of her bowels.

Throughout this distressing time, Michelle remains at her mother's side during the nights, catching up on sleep during the day. Despite their hopes, Chongmi's health worsens as she spirals into septic shock, necessitating the use of a ventilator for breathing. Stressed and unsure of their next steps, Michelle and Joel step out for a meal and a beer. Upon their return, they find an unexpectedly alert Chongmi sitting upright on her bed, inquiring about their whereabouts — as if she had just awoken from a lengthy sleep.

They waste no time in arranging for a medical evacuation back to Oregon. During this period, Michelle, driven by a desire to have her mother witness her wedding, calls Peter and urges him to hasten their marriage plans. Peter complies, and the fervor of wedding preparations begins.

Hoping that the wedding would offer Chongmi a motivation to live a little longer, their plan seems to succeed. Chongmi's return journey to Eugene is smooth. With the aid of gentle walks around their property and the comfort of Korean friends and food, she gradually regains a bit of her health and strength each day. Chongmi shows a fierce determination to share a dance with Peter, her soon-to-be son-in-law, at her daughter's wedding.

As the wedding day dawns, Chongmi hardly seems ill. Adorned in a traditional Korean dress, makeup, and a wig to cover her baldness, she looked ravishing. Importantly, she was present to shower her daughter with heartfelt compliments, a stark contrast to the critical voice she used to be. The mother who once found faults in Michelle now had nothing but sweet words for her.

Their wedding vows evoke tears from the attendees, the food delights the palate, and Chongmi manages to have her anticipated dance with Peter. Despite needing to retire to bed afterwards, the wedding day was a triumph. Michelle, exhilarated and joyful, kicks off her high heels and dances barefoot with her friends before spending the rest of the night celebrating with her new husband.

The dawning of a new chapter

Following Michelle and Peter's joyful wedding, a sense of sober normality returns to the Zauner household. Merely weeks later, Chongmi succumbs to her illness.

In the wake of Chongmi's demise, Michelle's aunt, Nami Emo, and cousin, Seong Young, journey from Korea to attend the funeral. Eager to be a hospitable host like her mother, Michelle decides to prepare Korean comfort food, namely, doenjang jjigae — a hearty stew of vegetables and tofu. To help her navigate the recipe, she turns to Maangchi, a Korean cook on YouTube whose soothing voice and detailed guidance provide comfort to Michelle. Her culinary effort impresses Nami Emo and Seong Young, marking a small victory in her grief-stricken state.

In addition to cooking, Michelle finds solace in music. She pens down a series of songs during her stay in a secluded cabin on her parent's property. The collection forms the basis of her album, Psychopomp. Produced over a fortnight in a makeshift bedroom recording studio, the album is a collaborative effort between Michelle, Peter, Nick — a high school friend, and Colin — a pansexual drummer from Alaska.

Psychopomp, released under the band name Japanese Breakfast, turns out to be a personal healing milestone for Michelle. But one year later, it morphs into a massive professional breakthrough when it begins garnering widespread attention. Following an opening act for Mitski, a renowned Japanese-American singer-songwriter, Michelle embarks on a cross-country tour with her band. They perform at popular music festivals like Coachella and Bonnaroo, venture to Europe for shows in London, Paris, and Berlin, and finally book a two-week tour in Asia, culminating in Seoul.

The Asian tour proves to be a gastronomic delight for Michelle, with an array of local food offerings at every location, from Taipei to Beijing to Tokyo. In Seoul, she's welcomed with an assortment of her favorite Korean snacks. Her concert there is well received, and albums — bearing her mother's picture on the cover — are purchased in abundance by enthusiastic fans.

For two more weeks, Michelle and Peter stay back in Korea. They visit places that Chongmi had yearned to see during her final trip but couldn't. They cap off their stay with a grand feast at a seafood restaurant, accompanied by Nami Emo and her husband. Relishing dishes like abalone, scallops, and live spoon worms, they end the night on a high note at a karaoke bar. In a memorable moment, Nami Emo pulls Michelle onto the stage, and together, they sing “Coffee Hanjan,” a childhood favorite of Nami Emo and Chongmi.

Summing up the journey

Like the intricate process of kimchi fermentation that transforms raw, humble ingredients into a powerfully tangy flavor, Michelle and Chongmi's relationship too had to endure strain and transformation to reach its meaningful depth. Their final days were marred by medical interventions, relentless ailments, and hard choices. Nevertheless, their bond remained resilient, their love for each other surfacing through a shared appreciation of food — a crucial thread that wove their lives together until the end.

If there's an H Mart near you, consider paying it a visit. Watch the buzz in the food court, sample ppeongtwigi, taste gyeranjjim, or nibble on shrimp chips. Experience the richness of Chongmi's heritage, or explore the wonders of your own, through the universal language of food. There's a unique story in every morsel — a tale of culture, connection, and a shared bond. Just as Michelle discovered in her journey with her mother.