Feedback (and Other Dirty Words) - Book Summary

Unlock the power of feedback to fuel personal and professional growth.

Do you dread the very mention of feedback? Does your heart race and your palms sweat when you have to give or receive feedback? If these feelings resonate with you, it's clear that the word "feedback" has been unfairly tainted. It's often linked with punishment, self-doubt, uncomfortable interactions, and workplace politics. Even positive feedback can leave us feeling unsatisfied due to its ambiguous or unhelpful nature. Consequently, our minds are wired to respond negatively, both psychologically and physically, to feedback situations.

But it's time for a perception makeover! In its essence, feedback is a wealth of information and insights meant to facilitate growth. Recognizing how we're perceived by others and welcoming advice from peers and supervisors are essential steps toward our professional development.

It's high time we strived for a healthier feedback culture. Fortunately, this is not a monumental task. Once we identify the roots of our adverse reactions to feedback and arm ourselves with effective strategies, the process becomes simpler. Stay with us as we uncover ways to transform your mindset, enhance your abilities to give, receive and seek feedback more productively.

In this journey, you'll also find out:

— why effective feedback can bolster your company's financial performance,

— how cultivating positive daily interactions sets the groundwork for a productive feedback environment, and

— tactical advice to elevate your effectiveness in seeking and receiving feedback.

Despite its tarnished reputation, feedback is a vital springboard for progress and advancement.

Imagine this: You enter your workplace, ready to tackle the day's challenges, when your boss calls you into her office for feedback. Just hearing those words is enough to make your heart pound, your palms sweat, and your mind race with countless questions. Have you made a mistake? Did you mess up an assignment?

The irony is that the feedback may very well be harmless or even complimentary. So why does this simple word trigger such intense, anxious responses?

Unfortunately, the poor reputation of feedback lies in its misuse. Ineffective leaders often use it as a tool for manipulation or punishment, delivering harsh criticism without regard for employee morale. On the other hand, even well-intentioned bosses tend to stockpile feedback — both good and bad — only to unload it all at once during annual performance reviews.

But the feedback takers aren't blameless either. We've all been guilty of reacting defensively, arguing against critiques, or retaliating with a litany of others' shortcomings in response to feedback.

This is rather unfortunate, considering that feedback, when correctly given, can significantly enhance business performance.

A 2018 study examining numerous performance improvement techniques across 57 US companies revealed that cultivating a Performance Feedback Culture was the most potent driver of quantifiable performance enhancements. In such a culture, managers are trained and incentivized to give feedback routinely and thoughtfully. Interestingly, the companies that excelled at feedback witnessed financial gains twice as high as those that faltered in this aspect. Moreover, the study concluded that quality feedback was the managerial practice with the strongest correlation to employee motivation.

Are you still skeptical about the importance of feedback? Let's consider this: Although feedback carries negative connotations, the authors, as management consultants, frequently encounter grievances about the lack of it. In fact, a 2018 global survey on employee engagement by Officevibe revealed that a staggering 62 percent of employees yearned for more feedback, and 83 percent appreciated it — whether positive or negative.

People desire effective feedback, and fostering a healthy feedback culture is beneficial for any organization. However, to establish such a culture, we must first comprehend why our current approach to feedback is flawed.

Feedback can induce a sense of threat, leading to anxiety and stress reactions.

Ever wondered why the mere mention of feedback sets your nerves on edge?

The answer lies within our brains and their deep-rooted evolutionary history.

If you've had unpleasant experiences with feedback in the past, the prospect of receiving feedback can initiate a fear response in your amygdala — an ancient part of the brain. This response is an evolutionary survival mechanism to perceived threats. A few millennia ago, spotting a saber-toothed tiger would trigger a cascade of reactions — facial flushing, dry mouth due to blood diversion to the limbs for a quick escape, and a rapid heartbeat to energize your actions.

In our contemporary context, this fear response is decidedly unhelpful, especially when it flares up at something as benign as feedback. Recalling past negative encounters with feedback, your amygdala reacts, plunging your body and mind into a state of high alert. With survival instincts in overdrive, rationality and emotional regulation fly out the window. As a result, you're likely to miss, misinterpret, or inadequately process any feedback your boss tries to deliver, no matter how sensible it might be.

So, how do you stay composed and receptive when your heart is pounding and palms are sweating?

The answer is simple: pay attention to your body.

Our brain can only activate one area at a time. The "fight, flight, or freeze" reaction is initiated by the amygdala, known as the primitive brain. However, consciously focusing on your physical sensations, like the feeling of your feet against the floor, engages your prefrontal cortex, also known as the wise brain. This deliberate attention to your body helps to subdue the primitive, fear-based brain activity.

If you notice stress creeping in, try the relaxation technique known as 4-7-8 breathing. Take a quiet, four-second inhale through your nose, hold your breath for seven seconds — this slows down your heart rate and induces relaxation — and then exhale for eight seconds.

While this technique is effective in managing immediate reactions, it doesn't offer a long-term solution. For sustainable change, we must cultivate healthier attitudes and practices around feedback. Let's delve into how we can achieve that.

The cornerstone of development lies in clear, specific feedback, and a growth-oriented mindset.

As we navigate our way toward improving the culture of feedback, we need to start with a fresh definition — a manifesto, if you will — of what feedback should represent.

The authors propose a reimagined definition: feedback should be clear and specific information, provided or solicited solely for fostering individual or group growth and improvement.

Let's dissect that a bit. First off, feedback must be clear and specific. Vague comments like "Just keep up the good work" or "Try to mirror Janie in sales" aren't beneficial. Precise information is the catalyst for effective action.

Second, feedback should be a two-way street. To truly reap its benefits, we can't be passive recipients; we must actively seek it out. Finally, feedback should be purely growth-centric. If it isn't aimed at facilitating development or transformation, it serves no purpose. Feedback should never be wielded as a weapon or a power-play, but instead utilized exclusively for fostering improvement.

One crucial strategy that can aid in altering your perspective on feedback is cultivating a growth mindset. Dr. Carol Dweck, a psychologist at Stanford University, observed that individuals with a fixed mindset view inherent qualities, like intelligence or talent, as unchangeable traits and hence, abstain from cultivating them. Conversely, those with a growth mindset perceive talent merely as a launching pad, embracing an appetite for learning and psychological resilience. Interestingly, Dweck's research disclosed that those with a fixed mindset dismissed negative feedback, even if it was beneficial. Meanwhile, those with a growth mindset actively sought feedback and considered criticism as a learning opportunity.

The more you nurture a growth mindset, the more comfortable you'll become with feedback, and the more you can learn from it. So, be aware of how you're responding to professional challenges.

If you catch yourself saying, "I cannot do this," remind yourself that it's not that you can't, you just can't do it yet. Are you comparing yourself unfavorably to your colleague Sarah's interpersonal prowess? Commit to asking Sarah for some networking advice, and remember that honing this skill could yield tangible results.

In the following section, we'll explore the building blocks of an improved feedback culture.

Creating a supportive feedback environment hinges on forming connections, cultivating trust, and honing observation skills.

Like any sturdy structure, a wholesome feedback culture needs solid foundations.

The initial step in establishing this foundation is connecting meaningfully with individuals. Authentic listening and understanding are the lifeblood of trust, which in turn, plays a pivotal role in feedback. Our attention to feedback tends to correlate directly to our trust in the person providing it. Hence, investing time to genuinely connect with your colleagues is paramount. Devote undivided attention when interacting with them, ensuring you're fully present and viewing their perspectives and ideas with an open, nonjudgmental mind.

If you're seeking a helpful guide, consider adopting the 5:1 ratio prescribed by renowned marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman. He identified that happy, stable relationships hinge on maintaining a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Imagine the positive impact on your workplace relationships if you consciously elevated the ratio of affirmative connections with each other.

The subsequent step is as straightforward as it is significant: observation.

Observation involves seeing things or people as they exist, devoid of judgment or emotion. What does this mean for feedback? Well, it implies constantly being aware and attentive, rather than relying on an annual review to garner secondhand observations. It encourages a focus on the here and now, enabling the provision of clear, factual insights to colleagues. Consequently, the nature of feedback discussions transforms. Instead of saying something like "I'm quite disappointed. We had an agreement to complete that task on time", the focus shifts to observed details, steering clear of blame or judgment. The conversation might evolve to "According to the tracking details, we were four hours behind schedule on Friday. I believe our agreement included you notifying me of any delays. Is my understanding correct?"

By practicing mindful observation, your capacity to provide constructive, frequent feedback will surge. As you engage in this practice, you'll start to uncover the genuinely positive influence that feedback can exert. However, for some of us, actively seeking feedback will be the next step on this journey, which we'll explore in the following section.

Effective feedback seekers ensure precision in their requests and solicit input from a variety of sources.

To elevate your performance, stop passively waiting for feedback — actively request it.

The results might surprise you. A recent article by leadership consultant Jack Zenger in Forbes discussed research suggesting that organizations encouraging employees to request feedback, rather than merely dispensing it, witness enhanced performance and stronger teams.

So why not initiate a shift toward a healthier feedback culture in your organization by proactively seeking feedback? Here are a few strategies to evolve into an adept feedback seeker.

Firstly, keep your requests specific. Research indicates that feedback providers tend to become anxious when confronted with vague questions like "Could you let me know how I'm doing?" A more effective strategy is to narrow down your request. For instance, if you have an important presentation and you're apprehensive about your delivery, you could ask your manager, "Could you observe my body language and eye contact with the audience during my presentation to the marketing team? I'm concerned I might be pacing excessively and failing to establish a connection." This approach supplies the feedback provider with a precise request, yielding actionable and detailed information for you, rather than general comments about your presentation.

Secondly, consider tapping into diverse sources for feedback. The more varied the sources of feedback, the more comprehensive your learning will be. Diverse input paints a more accurate portrait of your performance than just relying on a single manager's perspective. While valuable, a manager's view is still just one angle.

So, think about other potential feedback providers. One often overlooked, yet valuable, source of sincere feedback is your immediate peer group. Frequently, feedback is sought from superiors, while peers — who likely know you best and witness your performance in various lights — are left out of the loop.

A study by recognition solutions provider Globoforce revealed that peer-to-peer recognition positively impacts financial results by almost 36 percent more than manager-employee recognition alone.

Involving everyone in the feedback conversation enriches the discourse with a broader range of voices.

Pose pertinent questions and manage your emotional responses to extract maximum benefit from received feedback.

Even as the recipient of feedback, you can't just be a passive listener. If you're aiming to maximize the benefits of the situation, you need to play an active role.

There's a simple technique to ensure every feedback session works effectively for you: asking the right questions.

For instance, if you're confronted with a barrage of abstract, unclear statements, request specific examples. You might say, "Could you provide an instance when you observed this?" And don't hesitate to probe into the impact of the behavior under discussion. Asking, "Could you elucidate the effect this had on the team?" is a fantastic way to understand why a certain behavior might need alteration. Conversely, some feedback providers may complicate matters by discussing too many issues simultaneously. In such cases, asking, "What's the one thing I should be doing more of?" can guide your feedback provider towards clarity.

But there's an issue we often encounter when receiving feedback: we let our emotional response to the feedback taint our perception of the provider's intentions. For example, when your manager publicly highlights a typo in your PowerPoint presentation, you might jump to the conclusion that she's attempting to embarrass you before your peers — simply because that's how you feel. In reality, she probably didn't realize it would upset you and merely wanted you to be aware of the mistake for future reference.

To avoid falling into this trap, it's crucial to assume that your feedback providers have positive intent and are trying to assist rather than harm you.

However, there will inevitably be times when the feedback is difficult to accept. This can pose problems, as one negative thought can often trigger an avalanche of negativity, overshadowing any positive aspects. Psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema demonstrated that a single stressor can unleash a wave of unrelated, negative thoughts.

When one piece of harsh feedback initiates an emotional downward spiral, regain control by posing a few questions to yourself: What truth exists in what you heard? What do you perceive as biased? Most importantly, how can you use this feedback to improve? Thoughtful reflection on these queries will shift your mindset from feeling punished to feeling geared up for progress.

Understanding oneself and delivering frequent, digestible nuggets of information are keys to providing impactful feedback.

You may consider yourself a straightforward, candid individual. But what you perceive as frankness might come across as harsh to someone with higher sensitivity. This brings us to the final element of an effective feedback process: gaining self-awareness. Your personality, work attitude, and communication style heavily influence the feedback you dispense.

Therefore, self-reflection is essential. Recognize the way you do things and understand that occasionally, altering your tone or approach might be necessary.

Moreover, clarity about your intentions when offering feedback is paramount. Sometimes, our motivations can miss the mark: the ultimate goal of helping others. For instance, if a missed deadline has you fuming or a poorly-performing project has left you feeling sour and wanting to distribute blame, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself: What's the true purpose behind giving this feedback? Am I aiming to contribute to this person's growth, or am I serving my own interests?

Now that you have the right mindset, let's delve into practical steps to elevate your feedback. A promising approach is to focus on delivering frequent, bite-sized insights.

The more we share, the more we all learn. A study involving schoolchildren discovered that learning outcomes improved and performance was enhanced when they received feedback before, during, and after a learning process, rather than just at the end. This approach seemed to allow the students time and space to reflect on their new knowledge as they absorbed it. Adults are no different — according to the authors, the research suggests that providing informal feedback at least every fortnight is ideal.

You might be thinking, "I barely have time for bi-weekly feedback sessions!" Well, the silver lining is that you can keep things compact. Aim to offer just one suggestion or objective for the recipient to concentrate on. In a world where we're inundated by a multitude of information daily, our capacity to process is maxed out. Keeping feedback concise and manageable significantly heightens the chances of it being acted upon. A great starting point is simply noting the positive occurrences around you and informing your colleagues about the constructive impact they're creating.

So, here's a final piece of advice: disseminate more positive feedback. Leadership consultant Jack Zenger's research reveals that managers frequently underestimate their impact and are less effusive than they believe when it comes to giving positive feedback. So even if you feel you're giving enough positive feedback, push yourself to give a tad more.

Wrapping it up

The crucial takeaway from this narration:

The term 'feedback' often evokes a sense of dread in many of us. However, it doesn't necessarily have to be this way. Done correctly, feedback can be a robust catalyst for personal and professional development. By learning to deliver feedback that is regular, just, and concentrated, we can mitigate the fear and unease associated with it and transform it into a positive impetus for advancement.