Getting to Zero - Book Summary

Delve into the art of conflict resolution and journey towards serenity

When you hear the term conflict, what's the first thing that springs to mind? An escalating war? Political disputes? Harrowing street riots? Indeed, these are extreme illustrations of conflict. However, conflict isn't exclusive to the global stage, it infiltrates our personal sphere too, lurking within our close-knit relationships.

At times, we may sweep conflict under the rug, believing it's best to ignore its presence in our interpersonal relationships. However, entertaining the idea of conflict could sometimes serve as the elixir needed to save a strained marriage, or breathe life into a fading friendship. In this narrative, we'll explore the journey to "return to zero" post-conflict — achieving a state where disagreements are resolved, facilitating the establishment of your desired connection level.

It's important to note that the guidance offered in this narrative isn't designed to mend traumatic or abusive relationships. In such extreme scenarios, please consider reaching out to trauma professionals or access other appropriate support mechanisms to assist you.

Through this narrative, you'll be enlightened on:

— the art of effective communication during conflict,

— unearthing the roots of five prevalent conflicts, and

— how forging agreements can alleviate your conflicts.

The roots of conflict: when closeness becomes a threat and distance feels like abandonment

Ever pondered on the inception of conflict? Though the exact factors may differ, typically, conflict sprouts when a threat is sensed. This threat can come in myriad forms – it might threaten your physical or emotional well-being, your identity, property, safety, health, ethics, or even the ones you hold dear.

In the context of relationships, this sensation of feeling endangered generally emanates from one of two situations – an excess of intimacy or an extreme lack of it. Both scenarios can elicit feelings of threat – too much proximity can stir up fears of assault, while too much distance can raise alarms of abandonment.

An overwhelming amount of closeness may manifest when someone confrontationally advances towards you, or raises their voice. Actions like these exude a vibe of aggression, especially if the person in question is already upset – their body language might make them appear physically larger than they actually are. This often sparks an automatic defensive reaction.

On the flip side, too much distance can instill the fear that the other person is indifferent towards you or on the verge of leaving you. This sentiment usually surfaces when someone resorts to silent treatment, abruptly exits, slams doors, or interrupts you mid-conversation. In the context of our hyperconnected, instant messaging-dominated era, someone ignoring your calls or messages can also create an uncomfortable gap. Silence, however, probably takes the cake for creating the most unsettling distance, leaving you clueless about what's transpiring.

Experiencing triggers due to excessive closeness or distance is perfectly normal. However, remaining in a triggered state can adversely impact your mental and physical health in the long run. Thankfully, there are steps you can take to tackle this.

Begin by pinpointing your coping strategies, or disconnectors – there are primarily four of these.

The first strategy, posturing, involves launching an offensive or blaming the other party as a self-defense mechanism. Then there's collapsing, which is essentially the converse of posturing. Here, you internally implode or shut down, feeling that the entire situation is your fault. The third coping mechanism, seeking, is when you feel insecure and reach out to the other person in an attempt to revive the connection; ironically, this can potentially push them further away. Lastly, avoiding, the fourth coping mechanism, involves creating physical or emotional distance.

Recognizing how you disconnect not only empowers you to identify when you're resorting to these coping mechanisms and respond accordingly, but also helps you to alert those close to you, enabling them to support you during conflicts.

Embark on the path to conflict resolution by identifying a meaningful relationship you want to mend

Is there a lingering unresolved conflict in your life with someone? Like most of us, you probably do have one. And most likely, you're allowing this unresolved conflict to needlessly deplete your emotional energy. If this resonates with you, it's time for a shift – time to return to zero, which starts with thinking within a box.

How, you might ask? It's simple. All you need is a pen and a blank piece of paper. Once equipped, settle down to create your first conflict box.

Here's how you craft a conflict box. Sketch a rectangle on your paper and segment it into nine rows. In the first row, inscribe the name of the person with whom you're experiencing an unresolved issue. Then, in the succeeding row, note down up to five words that depict what that individual did or failed to do. In the third row, express how you feel when you ruminate about this person – perhaps frustrated, irritated, or anxious. The fourth row is for quantifying these feelings, rate them on a scale from one to ten – where zero represents your baseline and ten signifies the most severe degree of the emotion. The fifth line is for indicating the duration of the conflict. Feel free to label each row with a succinct description of what it stands for, if it helps you navigate the contents.

Once you've filled these rows, take a moment to carefully ponder about the person, the situation, and everything you've just jotted down. Then pose yourself a question: Are you keen on resolving this conflict? Have you exhausted all possible avenues to do so? If your answer isn't affirmative, you might be dreading a confrontational encounter with that person. If that's the case, you might want to consider working towards returning to zero with someone else first. Alternatively, if you genuinely view the person as a lost cause, accept that reality, and instead focus on someone you truly cherish and desire to mend things with.

Once you've zeroed in on the right person, you can proceed to the sixth row of your conflict box. Here, own up to the part you've played in the conflict by outlining your behaviour. What actions did you undertake or fail to do? It's not about assuming guilt or playing the victim. It's about taking responsibility.

Your newly crafted conflict box is a handy resource, harboring all relevant details about your conflict. It's a reflection tool, aiding your journey towards zero. Keep it within arm's reach, as you'll find it useful in the subsequent sections of this narrative.

Early experiences shape the way we navigate our significant relationships.

Do you ever get anxious when your partner doesn't reply to your messages promptly? Do you sometimes yearn for solitude, desiring an escape from the world's clamor, even if it means distancing yourself from loved ones?

Such emotions can be traced back to your relational blueprint — the patterns imprinted by your previous experiences with high-stakes relationships. This includes your bonds with family, close friends, and your partner. These experiences influence how you relate to others throughout your life.

Comprehending your unique relational blueprint is crucial if your goal is to reach a state of zero after a conflict. Despite not having reliable role models growing up, this understanding can catalyze empathy during conflicts.

At the core of your relational blueprint lies your attachment relationship — your primary relationship. This relationship is usually formed with at least one caregiver — the person or people you depended on for survival as a toddler. Your life experiences, particularly your capability to form and sustain relationships, are largely contingent on how secure you felt during your formative years. A secure attachment relationship during childhood — one that makes you feel supported, challenged, safe, seen, and soothed — paves the way for stability in adulthood. As you mature, the fulfillment of these relational needs becomes a mutual responsibility in your high-stakes relationships. In your childhood, your caregivers would navigate you back to a comforting place after conflicts, thereby instilling confidence.

However, this isn't everyone's reality. Some might have experienced a caregiver who was too detached or overly involved, leading to an insecure attachment. This could prompt an emotional shutdown, cause relationships to feel threatening, and make you feel detached from life. It also hampers your ability to resolve conflicts in your high-stakes relationships.

Now, it's worth noting that unresolved issues or disconnects in relationships are a common occurrence. The goal is to tackle these disconnects through a process of reconnection, ultimately reaching a state of connection, or zero. Your approach to this conflict repair cycle — a cycle that oscillates between connection, disconnection, reconnection, and back to connection — is influenced by how the adults in your life navigated this cycle during your childhood.

Some individuals may feel perpetually disconnected despite having an extensive social network. However, you're not doomed to live the rest of your life at the mercy of your relational blueprint. By learning to resolve conflicts, you can rewire your brain to comprehend the normal conflict repair cycle, thereby gaining control over your own relational future.

Unraveling conflict requires understanding the repercussions of conflict avoidance.

Cheryl Richardson, a renowned author and self-care expert, once stated, "if you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself."

Most of us, as children, experienced dual personas. The first was carefree, spirited, and pure — the authentic self. The second was the one that conformed and adjusted in response to perceived dangers and the environment's rules — the strategic self.

These opposing personas induce an internal conflict, making you feel like something's off, especially later in life. Encountering conflicts in your adult life, though unpleasant, provides an avenue to inch closer to your authentic self. It's thus beneficial to confront conflicts rather than evade them.

Ready to take on the conflicts in your life? Let's revisit your conflict box and the person's name you penned down. If your intent is to resolve your conflict with this individual, you realistically have two choices. Option A is to be candid, but doing so without caution could jeopardize the relationship. Option B is to maintain status quo — avoid conflict and preserve peace.

Option B might seem enticing, but perpetuating the conflict and not expressing your true self will eventually reach a tipping point, unleashing the truth. In this scenario, you're juggling three issues: the original conflict, the internal conflict arising from your avoidance, and a fresh conflict triggered by the truth's revelation. This is what we call conflict creep, and option B — avoidance — only magnifies it.

To better understand this, return to your conflict box. For the moment, bypass row seven. In row eight, pen down your fears about the other person's possible reactions if you disclose the truth — they might accuse you, cut ties with you, or even abandon you. Then, in row nine, capture how you'll feel if these fears materialize. Use "I" statements where possible — for instance, "I'll feel hurt."

Surveying your fears in this manner makes it clear that choosing option B — avoidance — is essentially a self-preservation strategy, shielding you from the fallout of speaking out.

Fortunately, there exists an option C: learning the right conflict resolution techniques. This enables you to remain true to yourself while striving for the connection you desire. By imparting conflict resolution skills, option C facilitates the transition from option B to option A — moving from avoidance to honesty.

Mastering conflict resolution involves learning to cope with your discomforts and understanding the other person's perception of the conflict.

Most relationships crumble because, as the author articulates, “People don’t know how to work their shit out” — which essentially means people struggle to manage their own reactions or those of the person with whom they're in conflict. Reflect on your previous relationships that didn't survive and you'll likely realize that this lack of resolution skills led to the relationships' demise, making even trivial disputes insurmountable.

If you resonate with most people, confronting your own discomfort is probably a challenging ordeal. However, the encouraging news is that this ability can be developed. Start by discerning whether the origin of your discomfort is internal or external. You may perceive another person as the source of your feelings — but truthfully, others don't create your feelings, they merely trigger them. The responsibility of addressing these feelings lies with you.

The author refers to the magnitude of emotional discomfort you can handle as your emotional discomfort threshold, or EDT. Without learning or development, your EDT tends to remain low. But, you can enlarge your EDT by practicing NESTR meditation — an acronym that stands for Number, Emotion, Sensations, Thinking, and Resourced.

Here's how it works. Concentrate on the pain or discomfort you're experiencing. Quantify it on a scale of zero to ten, where zero represents your comfort zone and ten indicates an emotional meltdown. Then, label the Emotion you're feeling — maybe you're content, despondent, or irate. What physical Sensations are you experiencing? What are you Thinking about? Then locate a place within you where you feel anchored and Resourced — akin to the solidity experienced when both your feet are firmly rooted to the ground. This NESTR meditation should ideally take around five minutes. With repeated practice, you'll become more familiar with your feelings, and your number will gradually lean towards zero more frequently.

Equally critical to acclimating to your own feelings is learning to be comfortable with the other person's conflict experience — comprehending this is instrumental in reaching a resolution. One method is to recall the four relational needs discussed earlier. Ensure that the other person feels supported and challenged, safe, seen, and soothed by you.

Persistently offering these connectors during each conflict will guide you back to zero.

Develop the art of attentive listening until the other person feels heard.

Not everyone is blessed with the ability to be a good listener. This skill gap becomes glaringly noticeable during conflicts, often leading to quick defensiveness. This typically arises from a mutual lack of understanding between you and the person with whom you're in conflict.

To truly understand the person you're conflicting with, the author introduces a tool named LUFU — an acronym for Listen Until they Feel Understood. The approach involves multiple steps, but before embarking on it, you need to cultivate presence; essentially, an alertness towards your thoughts and feelings complemented by a focus on the other person.

The eight stages of LUFU are not linear, but try adhering to the sequence until you've mastered the technique.

Firstly, embrace curiosity — not just about what the person is articulating, but also about their manner of expression. Be curious about what's left unsaid.

Secondly, practice reflective listening. Paraphrase or contemplate on what the person shared with you. Utilize phrases like, "It sounds like..."

Thirdly, verify your understanding of what the other person said using same-page questions such as, "Am I grasping your point so far?"

Fourthly, engage in active listening. Essentially, hit the "pause" button; refrain from interjecting, but briefly interrupt the speaker to process what they've communicated. You could say something like, "Hold on — let me ensure I'm comprehending your perspective so far."

The fifth step, empathizing, is often the most challenging. Put yourself in the other person's position, honestly evaluate your contribution to the conflict, and contemplate its impact on that person. Capture this in line seven of your conflict box and communicate it to the other person with empathic phrases such as "I understand how upset you are."

Sixthly, validate what the other person has expressed. A simple "That makes sense" can accomplish this. You're not conceding that the person is absolutely right — you're merely acknowledging their viewpoint. However, you genuinely need to grasp their perspective.

The seventh step involves owning your part, which can be as straightforward as saying, "Yes, I did do that." However, avoid justifying or explaining your actions — focus on continuing to listen.

After the eighth step, when you've confirmed a shared reality, it's your turn to speak. Achieve this by posing questions like, "Do you feel heard now?" If the person responds negatively to this question, persist with the LUFU process!

Navigating through conflict necessitates empathy.

Research suggests that between 70 and 93 percent of our communication is nonverbal. Hence, even before you utter a word, remember that your tone, eye-rolling, crossed arms, or distractions like your phone can affect your interaction with the person you're trying to communicate with. Engaging in these activities will pull you further away from zero rather than drawing you towards it.

So take a deep breath, loosen up your shoulders and abdomen, and examine your tone of voice before it's your turn to speak!

The author introduces an acronym for the speaking process called SHORE — Speak Honestly with Ownership to Repair Empathetically. Just like LUFU, SHORE comprises eight steps. As you did while listening, remember to be fully present when speaking.

Firstly, ponder over the context. Declare why you wish to reconnect — perhaps because the relationship matters to you. Remember, your goal to speak is to foster mutual benefit.

Secondly, assume responsibility for your part. Share with the other person your contribution to the conflict. Avoid justifying yourself or turning defensive. Be ready to expose your vulnerability if necessary.

The third step entails empathizing with the other person, mirroring your LUFU practice.

Fourthly, validate the other person. This is similar to what you did during LUFU, except that during LUFU you validated the other person's feelings. With SHORE, you're validating their experience.

In the fifth step, reveal the impact of the other person's behavior on you. Discuss factual instances or observations about that person's action or inaction. Then express how it affected you, using "I feel" statements.

The sixth step involves proposing a behavior change. For example, if the person is habitually late, you could request them to inform you in the future if they can't be punctual. It's helpful if you commence by suggesting something you'll modify in your behavior first.

Subsequently, discuss the insights you've gained. You could even journal these insights and share them with the other person. What lessons have you learned together?

Lastly, collaboratively decide on how to progress. Formulate agreements, or a conflict plan.

By leveraging the LUFU and SHORE techniques, you and the other person should ideally be approaching zero — or at least be in close proximity to it.

Recognizing the five most prevalent conflicts can assist in their resolution.

Have you ever experienced how, in long-standing romantic relationships, once the honeymoon phase fades away, trivial issues like your partner not closing the toothpaste cap start to annoy you? Or worse, you discover disparities in your values, or aspects about your partner that you don't appreciate?

This phenomenon isn't exclusive to romantic relationships; it also surfaces in familial relationships, close friendships, and even professional environments. If you're unequipped to navigate through conflict, grudges can gradually build up. Fortunately, most conflicts can be boiled down to five usual situations — understanding these scenarios can significantly enhance your conflict-resolution skills.

Firstly, you have surface fights, which are arguments triggered by trivial matters such as the way you fill the dishwasher or neglecting to respond to messages. Keep in mind that these fights might stem from a deeper issue, so identifying the actual root of the conflict is vital for its resolution.

Secondly, we encounter childhood projections. Projection occurs when you superimpose a previous negative or positive experience onto someone else in the present. For instance, if your father was constantly critical of you, you might assume that other people are doing the same in your adult life. Once you recognize this, confess it to your partner by saying something like, "Sometimes I project onto you that you're criticizing me."

Thirdly, you might face security fights. Here, one or both partners may feel a lack of full commitment from the other in the relationship. Fights about sex and money often fall under this category. If you're financially reliant on your partner, it might make you feel insecure, leading to a reluctance to be intimate with your partner. These fights will persist until both partners are completely committed to the relationship.

Fourthly, you may encounter value differences. You hold your values — aspects like monogamy, parenting, and religion — in high regard, but you notice that your partner doesn't share those values. You can navigate these differences by setting up the context — why you want to reconnect — and then agreeing to face those differences. It's essential to listen to and comprehend each other, and to remain open to change or compromise.

Finally, resentments can develop when you attempt to alter someone, or vice versa. If you don't change, the other person resents you, and if you do, you resent them. By clearly communicating your expectations of each other, you can negotiate and arrive at a more favourable outcome that caters to both parties.

While there might be obstacles to reconciliation, making agreements can diffuse conflicts.

Our conflict resolution mechanisms take root during our childhood, influenced predominantly by the adults around us. As adults, it becomes imperative to reassess these patterns and take charge of our conflict resolution strategies, instead of blindly relying on what we've learned growing up.

Let's take a trip down memory lane. How did adults around you respond to conflicts? Did they offer comfort or take responsibility for their part in the conflict? Who usually initiated an apology, if at all? Or did you resort to distractions such as sports, food, games, or mingling with friends to escape the discomfort?

Most adults employ ineffective coping strategies when faced with conflicts, which are essentially roadblocks to reconciliation. These roadblocks showcase either a lack of capability or willingness to tackle conflict.

For instance, laying blame is a form of posturing, placing the responsibility and solutions for the conflict elsewhere. However, blaming yourself is a form of collapse, where you believe everything is your fault and responsibility. Both of these roadblocks can be neutralized by assuming responsibility for your role in the conflict.

And what about apologies? More often than not, they're delivered hastily and lack sincerity, not adequately addressing the crux of the issue — a misunderstanding between two people. However, if an apology is timed correctly and resonates with the other party, it can bring you closer to zero. Typically, an apology should be reserved until the end of a LUFU process.

By making agreements, these roadblocks can be tackled more effectively, helping prevent knee-jerk reactions and speeding up the journey towards zero. It's highly recommended to set these agreements early on in high-stake relationships.

For example, prenuptial agreements safeguard both parties in the event of a divorce, and co-parenting agreements provide clarity on the pickup and drop-off timings of children. Similarly, in the business world, legal agreements protect all parties should the partnership become contentious.

Furthermore, it's beneficial to make an agreement for making transparent agreements. You certainly don't want to find yourself in a disagreement over what the agreement implies! Naturally, it's crucial that both parties agree to acknowledge their part in any future conflict and to maintain respect in their communication.

Final recap

The central idea here is that:

In times of conflict with someone who is a part of your high-stakes relationships, strive to reach zero by mastering the art of listening and communicating during conflict. Grasp how you and the other person typically respond during conflict and resort to NESTR meditation to handle your own emotions effectively. By identifying the obstacles to reconciliation and facilitating conflict resolution through agreements, you can expedite your journey to zero.