Good Boundaries and Goodbyes - Book Summary

Discover how to effectively manage toxic relationships

Many Christians harbor the misconception that the principles of love, forgiveness, and turning the other cheek mandate a passive acceptance of negative behaviors, allowing people to exploit their self-sacrificing tendencies. Author Lysa TerKeurst argues that this approach is not just detrimental to oneself but contrary to God's true intent. The divine plan, she posits, never intended for us to sacrifice our identity, well-being, or safety in an unhealthy pursuit of seeing the best in people. This misplaced altruism often leads to a vicious cycle of toxic behavior and unsatisfactory relationships.

To successfully navigate through troubled waters, it is essential to establish robust boundaries, safeguarding our identity while laying the foundation for healthier relationships. Throughout this series, we will delve into the dos and don'ts of setting boundaries, understanding the function of consequences, and recognizing when it's time to bid farewell. As the book primarily speaks to Christian readers, we will adhere to the author's Christian outlook for our discussion.

Guard your identity

Who truly are you at your core?

Ponder over this question.

When God crafted you, imbuing you with your unique attributes, what did He envisage? If this question has left you grappling for an answer, you've stumbled upon the primary cause of your boundary struggles. A crystal clear understanding of your identity is the first step towards erecting strong boundaries.

Moreover, it's crucial to acknowledge your eligibility for divine love — a right as much yours as anyone else's. If an incorrect interpretation of Christian teachings has led you to a pattern of over-giving in relationships, rest assured, you're not alone in this dilemma. We'll soon debunk some of the misconceptions surrounding the concept of forgiveness.

One effective way to shield yourself from unhealthy relationships is by cultivating a stronger bond with God, dedicating time for personal growth. Often, a poor understanding of our needs and self can give rise to the fear that God's love won't suffice to fill our inner void. This fear can push us towards seeking fulfillment from external sources, such as other people.

However, it's a futile pursuit to expect others to satiate your inner emptiness. Only the divine can achieve that feat. Therefore, the cornerstone of any wholesome relationship should be a secure connection with oneself and with God.

Recognize that you can't reshape them

Regrettably, the journey towards healthier relationships doesn't conclude at the finish line; it's not a race that you can win with a sprint. It's instead an ongoing marathon, a consistent part of the ceaseless journey of life.

An ideal goal would be to fortify your relationship with yourself and with God before you venture into new relationships. Nevertheless, it's impractical to put existing relationships on hold until perfection is attained. Hence, distinguishing a harmful relationship can often prove challenging.

A detrimental relationship is marked by one party's stubborn refusal to confront and address their dysfunctions.

To illustrate, author Lysa shares an interesting anecdote. Her home's faulty wiring dictated that the hot water heater would only function if the floodlights were left switched on. Despite the obvious issue, instead of fixing the electrical problem, she would instruct her guests to keep the floodlights on to ensure hot water supply.

Essentially, she was encouraging others to tolerate and accommodate her problem rather than attempting to rectify it. If you find yourself in a similar situation, wherein your partner expects you to adapt to their dysfunction without making any efforts to improve, it is a clear sign that you need to enforce boundaries immediately.

Red flags signaling a destructive relationship could range from feeling a dip in self-worth around the other person, making excuses for their behavior, doubting your own sanity, experiencing fluctuating levels of affection based on their mood, or constantly treading on eggshells. The list is exhaustive.

At such junctures, setting boundaries becomes crucial, and as we will explore in the upcoming segment, establishing boundaries revolves fundamentally around regulating access.

Boundaries are all about controlling access

Implementing boundaries doesn't equate to denying forgiveness or withholding love. It's about determining how much access you grant someone to your heart. Love should be an unbounded offering, but access should be carefully controlled. The level of access one provides should be in line with the degree of responsibility the other person demonstrates.

Consider the biblical story of Adam and Eve. Initially, they enjoyed unrestricted access to God. However, their act of disobedience, which reflected a lack of responsibility, necessitated a curtailing of this access.

Let's apply this concept in a more relatable context. Suppose you give your child your credit card to buy gas, trusting them with this degree of access. If they misuse this trust, using your credit card for an extravagant shopping spree, they've displayed irresponsibility. In response, you would rightly limit their access.

While this is a straightforward decision when it comes to financial matters, it becomes far more complex when it concerns your heart. Setting emotional boundaries can be fraught with challenges. You might believe that embodying Christian virtues necessitates limitless giving and forgiving. Or you may fear that defining boundaries might alter others' perception of you, tarnishing your image as a good person. Or perhaps, you dread loneliness because your relationship with God isn't sufficiently strong.

Your reasons could be entirely unique. Regardless, it's important to introspect, to delve deeper into your motives. If you find yourself compromising your emotional well-being rather than safeguarding it, strive to understand the origin of these inclinations. Most likely, they're not driven by divine intent.

Setting boundaries is your responsibility

To fully grasp the essence of an effective boundary, let's commence with discerning what it is not. A boundary isn't a tool for rectifying someone's flaws, enforcing your judgment on them, or punishing them. Establishing boundaries shouldn't stem from resentment or be driven by passive-aggressive sentiments.

Boundaries serve the purpose of safeguarding your identity. While it's certainly beneficial to be open to evaluating and altering your behavior, you should never compromise your identity.

Additionally, boundaries act as a barrier, preventing further harm to your relationship. Picture a scenario involving two emotionally mature individuals:

Suppose your carpool buddy is consistently tardy, forcing you to be late for work, which strains your professional relationships. In response, you erect a boundary.

You inform them that you can no longer offer them a ride to work due to their habitual tardiness impacting your punctuality.

This might upset them, leading to some discomfort on both sides. They might request an opportunity to correct their behavior or simply accept the need to commute independently. Regardless of their response, they would respect your boundaries.

This is the typical outcome of boundary-setting in a healthy relationship. Conversely, in an unhealthy dynamic, the other person might demand justification for your boundary. They might shift the blame for their tardiness onto you, making you question your rationality. They might evade responsibility, or feign acceptance of their mistake only to persist with their behavior.

Irrespective of the nature of their response, boundaries empower you to preserve your true self, curtailing any further damage to the relationship.

Focus on consequences, not threats

Boundaries are effective only when accompanied by appropriate consequences. This could prove challenging, particularly if you are dealing with someone who disregards your boundaries. It's crucial to remember that a consequence isn't a threat, a punitive measure, or an ultimatum.

A consequence must be articulated explicitly and executed unwaveringly. Failing to enforce a stated consequence will render it an empty threat in the eyes of the other person. A person resistant to your boundaries may accuse you of being cold-hearted, issuing threats or ultimatums, or overreacting.

Such accusations can hurt and lead to self-doubt. If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone.

Christians often possess the propensity to self-blame for any arising issues. They usually strive to see the best in others, and as previously discussed, they often go to great lengths to maintain their image as good people, sometimes even sacrificing their own well-being in the process.

Though it's normal to feel this way, channel these emotions to God, seek divine guidance through prayer, and then resume the discussion with your boundaries firmly intact. Bear in mind, those boundaries are in place to honor both God and your relationships.

There's nothing wrong with setting a boundary. Refrain from over-explaining or defending it. Do not invite debate about it, instead, present it as a fact. Here are some examples:

"When I swing by your place, if you aren't ready by 7:45 a.m., I'll have to proceed to work without you."

"If our conversation veers towards name-calling, I'll step away and we can attempt to converse when we've both calmed down."

"If you bring drugs or alcohol into the house again, I will dispose of them immediately."

A person who values your relationship and is committed to personal growth will respect your boundaries by amending their behavior. If they persist in their ways, it might be time to consider parting ways.

Embracing the art of saying goodbye

As a Christian, you're expected to forgive. It could appear as if this expectation conflicts with the concept of terminating relationships. However, it's important to remember that your relationship with God isn't without conditions; it hinges on your obedience. While His love for you is infinite, unless you follow His path, eternal life with Him is not guaranteed — demonstrating the ultimate form of goodbye.

On the other hand, when Adam and Eve — representing all of mankind — were banished from the garden, they were given guidelines to restore their relationship with God. Goodbyes could be temporary or permanent, and often, the difference remains unknown.

Romans 12:18 states, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."

Pay attention to the words "if possible". Sometimes, peaceful coexistence simply isn't achievable. If a relationship transitions from being challenging to becoming destructive, it's time to bid adieu. When your mental or physical well-being is under threat, it's time to say goodbye. If the person you're involved with repeatedly rejects personal growth, accountability, or engagement in improving the relationship — it's time to part ways.

To execute a godly goodbye, ensure that it's devoid of resentment, brimming with compassion and forgiveness, and free from bitterness. You can persist in loving the person through prayer, but you no longer have to grant them access to you.

Although the concept might sound straightforward, the reality of goodbyes is a unique brand of pain, hard to articulate. Surviving the initial goodbye is followed by recurring reminiscences. You grieve and just as you feel you've healed, something triggers a relapse into the pain all over again.

A simple item, like a spatula, can transport you back to family breakfasts around the table, filled with hope and dreams, before the harsh reality shattered your idyllic vision.

Understand that you're not alone in enduring this pain. We all experience these moments. With each step we take in life's journey, we collect more small scars and stories.

Always remember your worth, both to yourself and to God. Turn to Him in trying times, navigate your grief, and then continue with the established boundaries, enabling you to progress in a healthier manner.

Wrapping it all up

Establishing boundaries and saying goodbyes can be challenging, yet they are crucial for your wellbeing. While love knows no bounds, granting access to your heart and life should be reserved for those who respect and value this privilege. Therefore, establish boundaries to safeguard your emotional health and fortify your relationships. And when boundaries cease to protect, remember that goodbyes, however difficult, are an integral part of life's journey.