He Comes Next - Book Summary

Unveiling the secrets to a man's sexual nirvana

"He Comes Next" provides an intimate exploration into the male sexual psyche, offering techniques and understanding to both men and women aimed at elevating the male sexual experience. Building on the success of "She Comes First," Dr. Ian Kerner extends his expertise into uncharted territories of male pleasure, recognizing that while the conversation around female pleasure has garnered much attention, the male counterpart is often shrouded in stereotypes and misconceptions.

The truth is, many men have not yet fully explored the depths of their sexual potential. Conditioning and routine approaches to self-gratification have established patterns that may inhibit the kind of sexual satisfaction they crave. Dr. Kerner urges both men and their partners to free themselves from the grip of convention — to explore beyond mere physicality and into a realm of connection and exploration that can lead to profound pleasure.

Listeners will uncover why relying on medications like Viagra can hinder more than help in the long term, and why the key to fabulous sex isn't more performance enhancers but a deeper understanding of how to tap into the body's natural chemicals — like the excitement-enhancing dopamine, the passionate norepinephrine, and the intimacy-bolstering vasopressin.

More than just the goal of reaching climax, Dr. Kerner introduces the concept of the "full-body, global orgasm" — a state where one's entire being is consumed by waves of pleasure, rather than confining the experience to one focal point of release. Engage with these insights to unlock true sexual ecstasy for the male partner, ensuring a mutually fulfilling and continuously adventurous sexual journey for both.

Understanding the male anatomy's delicate balance of protection and pleasure

Have you ever wondered why men seem to have a natural, unconscious reflex to shield their lower regions, even in the dead of night? At the core, it's not just a humorous quirk but a deep-seated instinct to protect one of the body's most delicate and vital areas — both for physiological reasons and psychological comfort.

Imagine navigating a pitch-black room, filled with invisible toe-stubbers and shin-whackers. For a man, the instant protective hand that covers his genitals is as automatic as flinching from a sudden noise. It's intrinsic — a combination of self-preservation and the primal aspect of sexual arousal rooted in human physiology.

Delving into the specific anatomy, a man's external genitalia are particularly sensitive, with the glans, or the head of the penis, being the most responsive to physical sensation. If uncircumcised, the foreskin serves as a natural shield, retracting only in the throes of arousal to reveal the glans — the pinnacle of vulnerability.

Adjacent to this, the testicles also play a significant role, engaging in their tightrope dance closer to the body with sexual excitement. It's a delicate tango of sensitivity and physiological response that reflects the intricate dance of male arousal.

However, it's crucial to address the psychological defenses men erect regarding their genitalia — particularly the shaft, which swells and hardens with arousal. The fixation on size and potency is a source of unwarranted stress for many men, overshadowing the reality that size is often inconsequential to sexual satisfaction for their partners.

Emphasizing understanding and trust in this area can open extensive dialogues about sexual concerns. By shifting the lens from size and hardness to shared pleasure and sensitive exploration — like the often-ignored clitoral stimulation — couples can transcend long-standing insecurities and enhance their intimacy.

Further south, the perineum and the somewhat stigmatized anus rest behind cultural barricades. Despite the region's protective geography, it's a treasure trove of tactile potential, hiding nerve endings that promise untapped pleasure. Indeed, the male G-spot, nestled just a couple of inches inside the anus, unlocks a level of gratification that can be transformative when approached with openness and curiosity.

This area's hesitancy is a reminder of barriers that are often more psychological than physiological — walls built from taboo and misunderstanding. Yet, they conceal possibilities for profound sexual joy that await those willing to explore with care and trust.

Focusing beyond 'down there' to alleviate men's sexual anxieties

Imagine a world that scrutinizes every twitch and pulse of a particular body part, carrying expectations that could turn any man's bedroom into a stage of performance rather than pleasure. Such is the predicament where much of male sexual anxiety stems from — an undue concentration on the penis and the pressures of maintaining the "perfect" erection.

These concerns often hark back to adolescence, when unexpected erections were sources of immense embarrassment. Fast forward to adulthood, and the specter of these anxieties lingers, only now bolstered by a culture that perpetuates the idea that sex, at its core, is synonymous with penetration, and a successful encounter depends entirely on the penis.

We see this narrative played out explicitly in pornography, which shapes not just expectations, but also habits — particularly when it comes to masturbation. The immediate gratification culture, supported by abundant digital erotica, leads many men to prioritize rapid release over the indulgence of buildup and desire, inadvertently training themselves towards premature ejaculation.

Viagra, a name now synonymous with erectile 'solutions,' emerges from this backdrop of pressure and expectation. Steadily crescendoing hopes of perpetual readiness clash with the pharmaceutical reality, where dependency breeds further insecurity, creating a loop of reliance that distorts natural sexual experience.

These external stressors — the media's portrayal of sex and the pharmaceutical industry’s promises — ironically conspire to exacerbate the very issues they claim to solve. The result is a cycle of pressure that is counterproductive to the very essence of intimacy.

A holistic approach beckons, therefore, suggesting a reevaluation of sex that incorporates trust, communication, and an honest exploration of desires, removing the spotlight from performance and directing it toward mutual enjoyment and emotional connection.

In the embrace of this perspective, it becomes evident that not only individual insecurities but also the evolutionary stage of a relationship can shape sexual dynamics, suggesting that the solution lies not in a pill but in a more profound connection and understanding with one's partner.

Igniting long-term passion by tapping into the power of desire

Every relationship is a unique journey, yet there's an almost universal trajectory that charts a path from sizzling initial attraction to deep, enduring partnership. Along this path, there's a pivotal component that separates a vibrant sexual connection from a lackluster one — desire.

Understanding the trajectory helps: relationships typically evolve through distinct phases of lust, romantic love, and finally, attachment. The first two stages are alive with biochemistry — dopamine and norepinephrine course through the body, heightening every sensation and emotion, intensifying the rush of arousal. Attachment, while still influenced by its own cocktail of hormones, leans into comfort and security, sometimes at the expense of sexual exhilaration.

So how do couples weather this transition without falling prey to the all-too-common narratives of diminishing passion and routine intimacy? The secret lies not in resisting the stages but in consciously feeding the flames of desire even as a relationship matures.

In his discussions with men about their sexual experiences, Dr. Kerner found a unanimous chorus hailing the early days of their long-term relationships as the pinnacle of sexual excitement. Not because of any acrobatic prowess or exotic techniques, but because of the sheer, unbridled desire they had for their partners.

To rekindle these embers into a robust flame, couples should embrace the unpredictable. Men who reminisce about the fervor of "hot and wild" encounters often speak fondly of spontaneity, the allure of the unknown, the thrill of something fresh. It's a natural craving for the dopamine rush that once turned every touch into electricity.

Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher's insights corroborate this, noting that our brains are wired to reward the novelty, risk, and excitement found within the infatuation phase with generous doses of feel-good chemicals.

Therefore, to breathe new life into a complacent sexual routine, consider weaving in elements of the unexpected — novelty, surprise, adventure. Adventure can sustain the sexual spark not as a fleeting thrill, but as a renewable energy source that deepens intimacy over time.

So, what are some actionable ways you can integrate this into your relationship? Stay tuned for some practical, tantalizing tips that could resuscitate desire and inject a vibrant new chapter into your shared sexual narrative.

Unleash the thrilling potential of fantasy in your intimate moments

Picture a world where the spark of fantasy ignites the embers of desire, adding depth and vibrancy to the tapestry of your sex life. Sexual fantasies, often kept secret and shrouded in shame, are in truth an invaluable resource for deepening pleasure and intimacy between partners.

The findings from research and the wealth of clinical expertise available underscore a rather liberating truth: fantasies are a normal, healthy aspect of human sexuality. They are not just idle daydreams, but potent reservoirs of excitement that can elevate sexual experiences from mundane to the extraordinary.

To repress these fantasies out of misplaced shame is to snuff out a key to unlocking intense arousal and desire. Partners open to sharing and exploring each other's fantasy worlds can revitalize a connection that has settled into the doldrums of routine.

It's more than just a tantalizing thought — neuroscience backs up the transformative power of fantasizing. This psychological reverie mirrors the dream state, stimulating the brain and fostering a sense of relaxation that dissolves anxiety, paving the way for a more enriching sexual encounter.

Rethink the bounds of foreplay. Instead of viewing it as mere physical preparation for intercourse, consider foreplay as the preamble to pleasure, where fantasies serve as both appetizer and spicing agent. Incorporating erotic imagination into pre-encounter playtime — possibly even before touching or entering the bedroom — can create an electricity that surges through every subsequent touch.

Allowing imagination to roam in the realm of foreplay encourages a break from sexual scripts that rigidly prioritize intercourse above all. This expanded view of foreplay invites a dance of desires, where the acting out or teasing of each other's fantasies amplifies the anticipation and delivers a richer sexual experience.

Fantasies might also include elements of exhibitionism, adding a frisson of thrill to the encounter. Whether it's indulging in a daring rendezvous in the intimacy of a taxi's backseat or tantalizing each other with a playful striptease in a discreet cubicle of a department store, these scenarios can add an element of the forbidden, the unpredictable, and the wildly exciting to your shared experiences.

Dare to journey beyond the conventional, and watch as your intimate moments are transformed by the endless possibilities that fantasy brings to foreplay.

Deepen your intimacy with emotional connection and unhurried arousal

Picture a scene where love isn't just a fleeting expression but a deeply rooted state that infuses every shared moment. A common hurdle couples encounter, one that creates a chasm in their sex lives, is the absence of an emotional bond. Men, when candidly discussing their dissatisfaction, often cite this lack of connection as a source of their sexual ennui. But there's a roadmap to rediscovery, a remedy for rekindling the closeness that once made every touch electric.

The commitment to nurture intimacy in the everyday can bridge the gap that's grown between partners. An embrace, simple in its essence, can be an incredibly powerful conduit for reconnection. It's not about the perfunctory, shoulder-patting kind of hug, but about a meaningful, sustaining hold — one that lets warmth spread through you, signaling that you're not just physically but emotionally present with each other.

Consider beginning and ending your day with hugs that linger, and find moments of closeness after the day's work is done. These repeated, thoughtful acts of physical tenderness can weave a tapestry of intimacy, repairing and strengthening the emotional fibers of your relationship.

Beyond these daily gestures, maintaining eye contact during sexual encounters offers a window into the soul, establishing an emotional bridge that physical posturing alone can’t achieve. The enduring appeal of the missionary position owes as much to the proximity of bodies as it does to the opportunity it affords for gazing into each other's eyes, sustaining that emotional thread even in the midst of passion.

Turning the dial down on the pace of arousal is equally critical for profound sexual experiences. The contemporary male inclination might lean towards quick satisfaction, but the journey to peak pleasure defies haste. Swapping a hurried beeline to the genitals for a more scenic route filled with teasing touches, massages, and kisses that journey the length of the body can transform the entire sexual narrative.

Introducing variety in stimuli — from shoulder rubs to kisses on the neck, nibbling on earlobes to stroking the back — each becomes a note in a symphony of sensations that build to a more profound arousal.

Finally, remember that relaxation is the bedrock of desire. Stress and anxiety trigger a fight-or-flight response, diverting blood away from where it is most desired, while relaxation welcomes pleasure. Experienced massage therapists will attest to the involuntary reactions elicited by deep relaxation — a testament to the importance of a full-body approach to arousal that goes beyond the strictly sexual.

Embrace these principles, and watch as your relationship blossoms into a space where sex is not only a physical act but a celebration of your profound emotional connection.

Embark on a journey from localized pleasure to transcendental ecstasy

Embark on the path to heightened ecstasy by embracing an immersive approach to arousal that elevates sexual experience from the commonplace to the extraordinary. Just as women have their intricate tapestry of orgasmic response, men too can ascend from the conventional 'local' orgasm that hinges on penile sensation to the transformative 'global' orgasm that radiates through the entire body.

The pursuit of such profound pleasure calls for a departure from the myopic focus on the genitals and invites a more comprehensive, whole-body exploration. Here's a collection of suggestions designed to help you guide your man from concentrated climaxes to expansive, electrifying ones.

Begin by encouraging him to shed all layers, physically and metaphorically. Full nudity not only heightens physical sensitivity but also ushers in a state of psychological openness that can amplify his capacity for pleasure.

Consider the thrill of restraint. Binding a man gently invites him to surrender control, shifting from the active to the receptive, and transforming his body into an open canvas for your affection and exploration.

Blindfolding is the next step in this sensual odyssey — heightening senses, amplifying every touch, and injecting an element of unpredictability that can intensify the entire experience.

Infuse the full-body massage into your intimate repertoire, a gesture that stimulates more than skin-deep sensation. This act elicits a cocktail of hormones, including vasopressin — the bonding chemical that fosters trust, security, and profound emotional connection.

When navigating towards genital pleasure, let the journey be leisurely and tantalizing. Employ your hands, lips, and body in harmonious concert, all the while maintaining a languid tempo filled with soft, exploratory, and varied techniques.

For an all-encompassing experience, simultaneously indulge his upper and lower body. This dual stimulation ignites a spectrum of nerve endings, doubling the arousal and increasing the anticipation, particularly when his most sensitive regions eventually become the focus.

Stay tuned as we delve deeper into the art of touch and discover hands-on techniques that promise to transform your partner's experiences of pleasure from the familiar to the sublime.

Transforming pleasure into an art form with tactful caresses and patient exploration

The art of love-making is multifaceted, embracing a spectrum of sensations that evolve from the early stirrings of desire to the crescendo of climax. A man's self-pleasuring techniques might offer insights into his personal embodiment of pleasure, but there's always room to enhance and enrich these experiences in the context of a partnership. It's an intricate dance of knowing when to stimulate, when to apply pressure, and when to simply let the moment breathe — or, in more evocative terms, when to please, squeeze, and ease.

Think of the initial stage of arousal as 'filling' — a time when blood flow is paramount and the embers of pleasure begin to glow. Gentle, non-rhythmic touch that teases the entire pelvic region can set the stage, culminating in firmer grips and exploratory pressures that beckon erection. At this juncture, precision is key: discovering the force that ignites his desire without speeding towards the finish line.

Pay homage to the frenulum, a hotspot of sensitivity, with adroit touches that promise to amplify euphoria. Meanwhile, the lips can cast an unexpected spell of delight, eschewing traditional sucking for the tantalizing unpredictability of a trailing lick or the feathery tease of teeth skimming over skin.

In this symphony of pleasure, his penis becomes an instrument not just of his joy, but of mutual stimulation, engaging the clitoris in a dance of shared ecstasy.

Yet, amidst the pleasure, remains the strategic 'squeeze' — a gentle compression of the glans that serves as an erotic checkpoint, ensuring the journey towards orgasm unravels at a measured pace, respectful of the threshold of ejaculatory inevitability.

Should excitement threaten to overtake the moment prematurely, transition into an 'ease' — a deliberate pause in genital stimulation, shifting to tender kisses and caresses elsewhere, allowing arousal to simmer without boiling over.

It's a rhythm of intimacy that celebrates exploration and patience, turning every encounter into a canvas where pleasure is painted with strokes of presence, touch, and attunement to the other's depths of sensation and emotion.

Mastering the art of prolonging the crescendo leads to an explosive finale

Imagine the ability to conduct an orchestra of sensations, leading your partner through peaks and valleys of tension, eventually culminating in a cataclysmic release. This mastery of timing — of extending the plateau phase of arousal to dizzying heights — is the cornerstone of delivering a cataclysmic orgasm.

To craft this journey, think of arousal as a tapestry woven with threads of anticipation. As you deftly navigate between rhythmic and non-rhythmic touches, your hands become instruments, evoking intense longing with every stroke. The “grasp and clasp” technique, a rhythmic interplay of firm, long strokes and more focused attention on the sensitive frenulum, is a strategic move that amplifies desire.

Incorporate your mouth into this sensory orchestra, creating an intimate seal around the glans. Beyond the physical sensation, this also reinforces the emotional connection as your partner surrenders to your lead. With mindful head movements, gentle licks, and enveloping as much as comfortable, you tease the edge of total submission without crossing over.

As the boundary between pleasure and climax blurs, maintain control through intercourse — not relinquishing the tempo to your partner, but rather dictating the rhythm to maximize mutual satisfaction. It's akin to a dance where you signal, "trust me, you'll reach the climax, but not until the dance has fully played out."

The telltale moment just shy of orgasmic inevitability, when the body is taut with longing, is your cue to modulate the intensity. Yet, this is not simply to tease or delay but to deepen the impending explosion of pleasure.

And when the moment is ripe, when you’ve both reveled in the prolonged plateau, accelerate the pace, fueling the moment of release. Throughout this crescendo, it's essential to sustain the connection, entwining your emotional presence to the very end — ensuring that the height of physical release is matched by a deepening of your shared bond.

In this way, the orchestration of arousal — skillfully postponing and intensifying that final surge — results in a symphony of sensations that will reverberate long after the echoes of ecstasy have faded.

Unlocking the true potential of male sexual fulfilment

The journey to unparalleled sexual fulfilment for men lies beyond the well-trodden path of genital-centrism, venturing into a realm of discovery that integrates body and mind. "He Comes Next" dissects the intricate layers of male pleasure and the burdensome stress that often accompany the territory below the belt. It upends the overwhelming fixation on the penis, instead heralding an awakening to a spectrum of sensual experiences capable of creating seismic waves of ecstasy across the entire body.

The key to transcending the mundane and catalyzing this sexual renaissance is a careful deconstruction of psychological barriers and learned behaviors. By shifting focus from localized pleasure to a holistic embrace of the full body, men can transcend the ordinary and experience the extraordinary — the enraptured state of full-body orgasms.

This book serves as both a guide and a revelation, encouraging men and their partners to journey through the landscape of desire and arousal without the constraints of pressure and performance. In doing so, it teaches us that true satisfaction emerges not from a singular point of focus but from a symphony of sensations that harmonize to elevate men's intimate encounters to new, unimagined heights.