Love Worth Making - Book Summary

Unveiling the secret to a fulfilling erotic life with your partner

In a world where erotica is as common as the air we breathe, one might wonder if it's truly possible to maintain a fiery sexual connection within the confines of a committed relationship. With the advent of the internet, the secrets of physical pleasure seem to be at our fingertips, yet for many, bedroom fulfillment remains a distant dream.

The truth is, amidst an abundance of sex toys and tantalizing techniques, there lies a profound simplicity essential for fostering a deeply satisfying erotic bond with your partner. It's not about the flash and flair of exotic positions or the mechanical prowess offered by the latest gadget. Rather, it's the emotional intimacy and the connection that truly ignite the flames of desire and keep them burning.

In this exploration, you'll discover how to nourish your sexual self in harmony with your partner's emotional needs — ensuring that each encounter is not just good, but extraordinary. You will tread through the nuances of maintaining sexual energy through simmering, understand the dance between generosity and necessary selfishness in love-making, and why standing firm in your desires and boundaries is a vital ingredient to a love life that lasts.

Let's unlock the door to enduring erotic contentment, where the satisfaction extends far beyond the silk sheets and softly dimmed lights — deep into the heart of what makes two souls sing together in the most intimate ways.

The quest for arousal: Nurturing your sexual self beyond friction and fantasy

When it comes to the pursuit of sexual pleasure, the are ideas floating around that boil down intimacy to mere physical interaction coupled with whimsical daydreams. However, those who've walked the maze of trying to rekindle passion know there's a crucial element missing from this equation — the kind of arousal that touches the soul. Achieving this transcendent state involves more than just action; it requires a deep dive into the psyche.

Encountering true arousal is synonymous with a magical transformation of the mind. It kidnaps our attention, leading us to lose track of everything but the present moment. Next, it invites us to shed our complex, social facades and return to a more instinctual state of being. And finally, it elevates us, allowing us to see and be seen in our most authentic forms. This is where the so-called "rules of the heart" come into play. They aren't strict guidelines; rather, they are pathways to an environment where arousal can blossom.

The essence of these rules lies in understanding and nurturing your sexual self. Far from the common notion of base lust, this is a realm where feelings of joy and wonder preside. The sexual self speaks in clear terms — primarily in the language of "yes" and "no." Grasping at straws to change a "no" into a "yes" is a recipe for disappointing encounters.

Consider the story of Carmen, whose sexual experiences with her husband, Scott, were marred by her inner turmoil. It wasn't a lack of attraction that was the issue — a simple kiss could set her circuits ablaze. However, transitioning to the bedroom triggered a mental blockade, and her arousal dissipated amidst fears of inadequacy.

The crucial aspect many overlook is personal accountability for arousal. The author's advice to Carmen focused on self-empowerment: first, by relieving Scott from the burden of inducing her orgasm, freeing her from the anxiety of potential disappointment; and second, by embracing the spontaneity of desire, which might mean staying on the couch where the spark first ignited.

Carmen's journey revealed that their so-called "couch sessions" were indeed more erotic, though her distress lingered. She admitted to achieving orgasm in what she believed was the "wrong way" — with water in the bathtub, an act she felt reflected inadequacy. It was this false belief that had seized control over her self-image.

Here lies the lesson: For the sexual self to truly flourish, acceptance is paramount. After the author helped Carmen embrace this, the walls she had built came tumbling down. Mastery over her own body soon followed, leading to a climax that was authentic and shared lovingly in Scott's embrace. It was through self-acceptance and allowing individual arousal to unfold in its own way that Carmen finally reached the pinnacle of intimate connection.

Embracing your sexual self means letting go of performance and pressure

The journey into the landscape of intimacy reveals yet another guiding principle: the sexual self remains perpetually innocent, similar to a child. Untouched by the complexities of adulthood, it cannot disguise its truths or engage in pretense. Accepting this aspect of our nature illuminates the often-conflicted terrain of our sexual challenges.

Consider an issue that commonly presents itself in the realm of couple's therapy. Imagine a husband, puzzled and disheartened by his inability to deliver pleasure to his wife. Despite his diligent efforts, he is met with criticism rather than satisfaction. The wife, however, insists the issue is not about her being hard to please, but rather about his lack of passion.

The absence of "passion" often signals something deeper — an absence of sexual selfishness. A paradox of intimacy is that we find immense joy in our partner's unbridled pursuit of their own pleasure with us. We yearn to be consumed with desire, treasured, not merely catered to out of duty. It is here that generosity departs from the erotic — after all, if engaging with you feels like a chore for your partner, how can you truly surrender to the moment?

The heart of the matter is that sex should never feel like an obligation or toil.

It's hardly surprising then that for many, the pinnacle of sexual satisfaction is witnessing a partner's climax. This surrender, this loss of control, bestows upon us a sense of empowerment — and such power dynamics are a veritable playground for the sexual self. Yet, the shadow of shame often looms over these intense exchanges.

Take the case of Jill. She carried a deep-seated sense of guilt over her go-to fantasy, which sparked her arousal. Amidst the passion with her husband Peter, should her arousal wane, she'd resort to a dark vision — a sinister man observing her, unseen, possessing her, leading her reliably to orgasm. The release was consistent, but it left her feeling troubled.

Dialogue revealed that the fantasy seemed to be rooted in a longing for attention, perhaps a legacy of feeling overlooked in her youth. Our psyche has a curious tendency to weave past hurt into the erotic tapestry, transforming it into a source of pleasure. The problem wasn't the fantasy itself but the self-inflicted punishment she endured when her desire flickered.

The essence of sex therapy, as was conveyed to Jill, is about nurturing what feels natural and easy; it's not a gateway to additional stress. So, rather than struggling with her arousal or the inner turmoil caused by her fantasy, the author suggested she exercise compassion towards her sexual self.

The outcome? Jill and Peter shared a sexual encounter that flowed effortlessly — one that didn't resemble labor in the least. When her arousal waned, she didn't force it. Instead, Peter's satisfaction led the way. Afterward, she found her own release. Her fantasy still played a role, but understanding its roots allowed her to engage with it without judgment or distress.

In the end, embracing the sexual self means shedding the weights of performance and embracing a realm where pleasure is spontaneous, heartfelt, and unburdened by expectations.

The dance of desire: Understanding women’s need to feel chased

In the intricate ballet of desire, certain patterns often emerge, shaping the sexual dynamics between men and women — especially in heterosexual relationships. Though individual desires vary widely, a common thread the author has noticed is that many women desire to feel an active sense of being wanted, of being pursued.

Rob and Melissa's marriage provides a glimpse into this phenomenon. Initially, Rob's frequent advances left no doubt in Melissa's mind of her desirability. However, as time passed and Rob's initiations dwindled, Melissa's sense of being desired faded, leaving her questioning his attraction to her.

Another rule of the heart makes its entrance here: the notion that to feel desired, women often prefer to be pursued. Rob was puzzled by this. Why, he argued, was it not equally viable for Melissa to initiate their intimate moments?

The essence lies in a fundamental craving: Women need to feel chased to truly feel desired.

To help Rob understand, the author turned to an unexpected example: the courtship rituals of rats. Yes, rats. Describing how a female rat entices the male with a playful game of pursuit before finally allowing him to catch her, this parallel suddenly made sense to Rob. The chase wasn't about fairness; it was about conveying depth of interest, and it was something Melissa needed to feel wanted.

This quandary resonates throughout countless marriages. A secure bond may inadvertently lead husbands to retire from the chase, and the thrill that once invigorated their wives begins to wane. Yet, rather than employ the strategies of playing hard to get or inducing uncertainty — tactics espoused by some sex advice manuals — the author suggests a different approach.

Communication and education stand at its core. By sharing openly about their need to feel pursued, women can enlighten their male partners about this primal craving. From there, it becomes a choice for men: to rekindle the chase or to confront the potential fallout of not doing so.

Here enters the subtle art of simmering — a technique well-suited for stoking the fires of desire without the necessity of immediate consummation. Simmering is about those fleeting, electrifying contacts with your partner that spark arousal even when full-blown intimacy isn't on the cards. It is less intense than full engagement but more charged than a simple cuddle, which often dampens rather than ignites erotic fervor.

While anyone can initiate a simmer, it often works best in heterosexual relationships when the man takes the lead. A sudden passionate hold or an unexpected kiss can become a silent testament to his desire. An essential point: don't shy away from the resultant sexual tension. A dose of frustration, the author argues, is not harmful; rather, it keeps the erotic energy alive, simmering beneath the surface until it’s ready to boil over.

Untangling the complexities of desire: The concept of the sex knot

The intricacies of sexual response often defy the common belief that arousal, especially in men, is a simple and straightforward process. The reality is that within the tapestry of a committed relationship, a man's erotic desires can become enmeshed in emotional complexities that defy simple explanations.

Consider David's conundrum. Sent to the author by his wife, Gwen, his predicament echoed that of Rob — a cessation of sexual advances. But David's case wasn't a matter of ignorance or defiance. It was as though an invisible force had erected a barrier between his desires and his actions.

Despite his attraction to Gwen and the best of intentions to be intimate, by evening, David found himself distancing from her amidst a stream of complaints. It wasn’t apathy that held him back; it was deflation. Their story began when they moved in together and what ensued was what's known as a sex knot — a dynamic where personal sexual reactions don't align with our intentions, and our attempts to remedy the situation only tighten the knot further.

Identifying sex knots offers couples a gateway to reconnect and explore new approaches.

Here's how the sex knot manifested for Gwen and David: Gwen's criticisms rose, and David, hurt, masked his feelings with a façade of confidence while retreating inward. This defense only intensified Gwen’s dissatisfaction, creating a cycle of withdrawal and criticism. Ultimately, David's sense of welcome was eroded, which in turn dampened his desire for Gwen, who then felt increasingly undesired and critical.

Therein lies the paradoxical dance. While feeling desired is paramount for many women, men's sexual confidence flourishes when they feel accepted and regarded positively. The absence of these affirmations often leads to a disconnect, fueling the cycle of the sex knot.

The author suggested a path towards resolution: David must confront the knot by actively listening to Gwen, facing what he had been avoiding. To thaw the impasse, genuine engagement was needed, not physical withdrawal.

David's willingness to listen marked a turning point for them. Communication bridges rebuilt, Gwen no longer fixated on David's faults. The mutual resentment began to dissipate, but the question of their stalled intimate life loomed. Why was David still not initiating sex? This mystery remained to be unraveled as we probe deeper into the emotional landscape where the personal and the erotic intertwine.

Navigating the ebb and flow of change in relationships with resilience

The evolution of Gwen and David's relationship reached a new chapter when Gwen decided to meet with the author solo. She reflected on their early days — how David's enthusiasm had once made her feel cherished, but over time, his passionate attention faded to indifference.

Gwen proposed an explanation that might account for the change in David's behavior: the possibility of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, commonly known as ADHD. Those with ADHD often struggle to maintain focus unless intensely captivated by the subject at hand. After running through a checklist of ADHD traits with David, the diagnosis seemed to fit.

As David embarked on his treatment, his mood lifted and his interest in rekindling the bond with Gwen intensified. However, a twist emerged — with David's newfound positivity, Gwen now appeared withdrawn and despairing. Change within a partnership, positive or negative, can often disorient the other partner, whether it’s too much, too little, or simply the unknown.

Within this volatility lies a pivotal lesson: When each partner asserts their individuality, they can better navigate the unsettling tides of change in their relationship.

In a joint session with the author, Gwen recognized the positive impact of David's treatment but also voiced a lingering dissatisfaction. Despite his improvements, David wasn't manifesting the affection she needed in everyday aspects of life, leaving her feeling more like a caretaker than a partner.

But signs of progress were visible. Both Gwen and David were beginning to advocate for their own needs openly. During their conversation about intimacy, David mentioned feeling rushed during foreplay, while Gwen admitted her haste was driven by the fear of losing his attention.

David's assurance of his commitment and desire to appreciate Gwen fully presented an opportunity for growth. Nevertheless, Gwen hesitated, wary of past disappointments. It was here that the author observed David's successful differentiation — the ability to maintain a healthy self-concept and manage discord without seeking constant validation from Gwen. Perhaps now, it was Gwen's turn to embark on this journey of self-discovery.

Encouraging Gwen to embrace her fears rather than flee, the author proposed that she examine her trepidation and its outcomes. In accepting this challenge, Gwen traversed a significant transformation. She recognized that disappointment, though palpable, was not catastrophic. And in this revelation, Gwen understood that shared adversity could be a catalyst for joint joy — provided that both partners maintain their stance and persist through the intricacies of their evolving love.

Rediscovering passion by believing in the love you deserve

Years ago, Sarina and Jo visited the author to resolve some minor conflicts early in their relationship. Now, as a long-married lesbian couple navigating the quiet after their children had flown the nest, they found themselves at a crossroads once more. This time, Sarina's desire for intimacy had evaporated.

Jo described Sarina's reticence as a continuation of her historically passive-aggressive approach to their sex life, expressing frustration with instances such as Sarina's indifference following planned romantic getaways.

In the realm of sex therapy, these are the immediate causes — disruptions in a couple's erotic life that appear to call for simple correction. Yet, beneath these apparent causes often lay remote ones, deeply ingrained issues tracing back to past experiences and shaping present behaviors. For Sarina and Jo, unearthing and healing this underlying cause was necessary.

Erotic feelings are reignited when partners not only offer but also feel worthy of receiving each other's love.

Remote causes are generally rooted in past narratives — unprocessed childhood dramas unwittingly replayed in adult relationships. Sarina's coldness toward Jo's affection wasn't just an emotional reflex; it was an echo of her early life's neglect, a reenactment designed to convince Jo of her own undesirability. Jo faced a similar emotional history, mirroring the chilliness experienced with her mother. The revelation? Both women had not fully embraced the fact that they were deserving of being cherished.

To confront this, the author proposed a mindfulness exercise called sensate focus. It entailed mutual nudity, with guided touching that carried no expectation of arousal. It was an invitation for Sarina and Jo to simply feel, or not feel, according to their true responses.

By chance, Sarina became the receiver and Jo the giver. As Jo's hands explored Sarina's body, starting at her feet, Sarina encountered an unexpected resurgence of profound sadness. Through Jo's tender gestures, Sarina journeyed through her sorrow, buoyed by the understanding that Jo was her emotional anchor. Meanwhile, Jo found herself modestly stirred yet eased into a state of contentment.

Sarina sensed Jo's fatigue, but Jo reassured her softly to stay present in the emotion. The intimacy of her name spoken by Jo amplified Sarina's awareness of being deeply cared for. In this metaphorical lake of sorrow, Sarina envisioned solace — rolling in grassy meadows with her partner. This vision, shared with Jo, eventually blossomed into mutual arousal and a deeply connected encounter.

Such intimacy echoes the truth that fulfilling sex within a partnership is founded on attentive presence to the erotic present, free of judgment. This is achieved by nurturing your sexual self with the same dedication you would offer a child — with patience, kindness, and unreserved acceptance. By affirming their worthiness of love, Sarina and Jo rekindled the flame of desire that had once seemed extinguished.

Embrace the essence of your sexual self and nurture intimate connections

In the intimate dance of love and desire, understanding the nuances of your sexual self is the foundation for a rich and fulfilling sexual relationship. The crux of a thriving erotic life lies not in the mechanics of physicality but in the emotional interplay between partners.

If you feel your sexual desires rebelling against your will, realize that coercion is never the answer. Instead, cultivating an atmosphere of self-acceptance allows your sexuality to flourish naturally. Responsibility for arousal is personal; it is shaped by the emotional landscape you create with your partner, not dictated purely by their actions or your reactions.

Remember, intimacy is not meant to be laborious. Passion can be stifled when focus is placed too heavily on pleasing your partner at the expense of your own pleasure. Genuine, electrifying connections are born out of a mutual embrace of pleasure — where each partner is equally invested in their own enjoyment as they are in their partner’s.

It's also crucial to recognize that even the smoothest paths may encounter obstacles. When faced with moments of sadness or discord, resist the urge to withdraw or become anxious. Instead, allow yourselves space to truly perceive and process these emotions. From such a place of tranquility and self-assurance, each partner can stand firm and engage with each other authentically.

Ultimately, the secret to continually refreshing the wellspring of desire within a partnership resides in mutual understanding, open-hearted communication, and a sincere willingness to revel in the joy of each other's erotic company. The culmination of these principles forms the bedrock upon which long-lasting and mutually-satisfying erotic relationships are built.