Mating in Captivity - Book Summary

Dive into the age-old mystery: maintaining passion in long-term relationships.

Remember the adrenaline rush of your first date? The butterflies in your stomach before your lips met in your first kiss? How about the intoxicating moment when you both confessed your feelings for each other? This whirlwind of emotions led you to settle into the comfort of a shared home, maybe even the joy of parenthood.

But in the midst of these daily responsibilities, your once vibrant sex life seems to have fizzled out. The demands of everyday life have left you with little time or energy to keep the flames of passion alive. Resignedly, you may have come to view this as the new normal - a relationship full of emotional connections but lacking physical intimacy. You might assume that it's inevitable, that passion inevitably wanes in the face of long-term commitment.

But it doesn't have to be this way. A lasting relationship doesn't have to sound the death knell for eroticism, that enticing, intense desire you once felt for each other. With a better understanding of what keeps the flame of passion alive, you can keep the fire burning passionately, infinitely.

In this summary, we'll journey through compelling insights:

- Why maintaining a certain level of selfishness is crucial to sustaining passion

- The reason egalitarian ideals should not find their way into the bedroom

- How acknowledging a harmless crush could actually fortify your relationship.

The balancing act: How security can stifle passion in relationships.

Let's face it — we humans are beings of contradiction. We crave both security and passion, but these two desires often lock horns with each other. Security blossoms in relationships that are consistent and stable, while passion thrives on the dangerous, the mysterious, the unexpected.

To put it simply: When we look to our partner as our primary safety net, passion starts to fade.

Life can be full of unexpected turns, and having someone as a supportive pillar can bring comfort to our anxiety-filled minds. However, many of us, disenchanted with traditional institutions like marriage and religion that once provided security, now lean heavily on our partners to be our anchor, our best friend, confidante, and lover. This expectation weighs heavy on them and this burden of pressure can quash passion.

Let's peek into the life of 38-year-old Adele. She's a successful lawyer, a doting mother to 5-year-old Emilia, and has been with her partner Alan for seven years. Most times, she finds contentment in her marriage. Yet, she doesn’t feel like a sexual entity – just a mother and a wife. She can't view Alan sexually either. Their marriage has fallen into a comfortable routine, and their once flourishing passion was snuffed out by the predictability of their day-to-day life.

So, what's the secret to preserving the spice of eroticism while maintaining security?

The first step lies in dismantling our illusion of absolute security. Every relationship, no matter how strong, carries the risk of loss. Love may seem everlasting, but it could be terminated by a tragic event like death. By acknowledging life's impermanence, we can stop clinging to monotonous routines and start welcoming unpredictability. This shift can pave the way for the resurgence of mystery, which can act as a catalyst for excitement.

Adele experienced an enlightening moment at a work event. There, she saw Alan immersed in conversation with colleagues. Suddenly, she was struck by how appealing he was. The mundane interactions they usually engaged in — petty arguments about his untidy bathroom habits — momentarily slipped her mind. In their place, she noticed his intelligent charm and alluring persona. He was more than just her husband, and it sparked her attraction.

Looking at our partners through fresh lenses can be daunting. The thought of them as separate individuals can threaten our sense of security. But having the courage to do so opens up an opportunity to continuously discover new facets about them. This consistent novelty can fan the embers of passion back to life.

Pulling closer but staying apart: The dance of individuality and passion in relationships.

Flip on the radio and you're likely to catch a tune or two about lovers merging into a single entity. It's a common narrative woven in love stories, and surprisingly, it's one we might need to reconsider. See, what most of us don't realize is that while closeness nourishes love, it often tends to suffocate eroticism.

Let's underscore this: maintaining individuality is essential to keeping the flames of passion ablaze in a relationship.

When we embark on a new relationship, we step into the realm of the "unknown." Every discovery sparks excitement — be it learning that your girlfriend is a guitarist or finding out your boyfriend knits. This voyage of uncovering secrets fuels passion without feeling restrictive as we still maintain our sense of self and space.

However, as we deepen our emotional intimacy, we often blur the lines, believing that emotional and physical intimacy are two sides of the same coin. But truth be told, they are individual narratives that rise and fall independently. In fact, being excessively emotionally intimate can create a roadblock to physical intimacy rather than enhance it.

Here's why this happens.

Our capacity for passion in adult relationships is largely influenced by our childhood experiences. Take John, a stockbroker, for instance. He endured his childhood under the shadow of an abusive, alcoholic father. To lighten his mother’s burden, he became her beacon of hope, trying to alleviate her sadness and isolation. Fast forward to his adult life, and we find John in a relationship with Beatrice. Their journey began with a whirlwind romance, but a year down the line, their sex life had tapered off. John’s history led him to feel responsible for Beatrice’s wellbeing — much like he did for his mother. This caregiver role extinguished his sexual attraction towards her.

Adding fuel to the fire was Beatrice becoming too available. She had relinquished her autonomy, merrily merging her life with John’s. But the vanishing act of their individual lives meant the spark — the thrill of the unknown — had fizzled out. Their union, rather ironically, had put out the fire of passion instead of stoking it.

The couple decided upon a period of living separately which allowed Beatrice to reclaim her independence. She enrolled in college, reconnected with her friends, and with newfound autonomy, they managed to reignite the sparks that flew at the start of their relationship.

Maintaining individuality while being in a relationship can be a challenge for those who grew up being taught the virtues of selflessness. To navigate this, try viewing your independence as a catalyst for that thrilling sense of the unknown that your partner first fell in love with. The results can lead to gratification both inside and outside the bedroom.

Intimacy is more than just words: Exploring the silent language of love.

Connection; it's a buzzword that echoes throughout our contemporary society. A quick glance at social media platforms and it wouldn't take you long to realize our fascination with the concept. We've been conditioned to believe that shared words and experiences are the crux of intimacy — that in verbalizing our thoughts and showcasing our lives, we solidify our bonds with others. Yet, we seem to have overlooked a crucial aspect: intimacy can be voiced in multiple ways and not just through words.

To frame it simply: the language of intimacy extends beyond the realms of conversation.

Consider the evolutionary perspective. From a survival standpoint, women had to evolve as skilled socializers. If they couldn't fight against an obstacle, they learned to converse their way around it. In our complex mish-mash of modern relationships, open conversations — a core principle of feminism — hold immense value. But what happens to those who lack the knack for verbal expression?

Gender roles enforced upon boys today often discourage them from engaging in expressive verbal communication. Masculinity is intertwined with hiding vulnerabilities and exercising self-control, pushing boys and men to find alternative ways to emote — primarily through physical interactions. Their bodies often become the canvas where they paint the sentiments of their hearts.

Take the author's friend, Eddie, for instance. His girlfriends would often misunderstand his reticence and label him as a commitment-phobe. Eddie couldn't comprehend this reaction, believing his displays of love and care were adequate expressions of his feelings.

Eddie hadn’t accounted for the fact that women can struggle to interpret love expressed through physical means. Social conditioning has taught women to adhere to the comparative safety of words over physical intimacy, which carries the inherent risk of unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and societal shame.

Eddie found solace with Noriko, a Japanese woman who could only speak limited English. Given his non-existence fluency in Japanese, their interactions primarily constituted miming and gestures. Eddie firmly believes that the absence of verbal communication worked in their favour, pushing them to explore other facets of expressing their intimacy.

Embracing the concept that intimacy can be articulated in varied ways opens us up to a myriad of love languages. Instead of asking, “Can you tell me how you feel?” we can venture into, “Can you show me how you feel?” A caring touch, a day thoughtfully tailored around your partner’s preferences, or a passionate night — these can all be translated as heartfelt expressions of love.

A tug of war: Modern ideals and erotic energy in relationships

Try to recall the last passionate scene from a film you watched. There would be racing heartbeats, a tango between defiance and surrender, and an eventual dissolution into the depths of desire. It's a far cry, you'll realize, from our current aiding principles of decorum and consent. Clearly, there's a clash between our contemporary norms and our instinctual erotic impulses.

Let's delve into this: our modern beliefs about fairness and security have dented our capacity for eroticism.

Eroticism thrives in an atmosphere of seduction, a whirlwind landscape of temptation, power dynamics, and changing roles. It's a territory where power and aggression dance gracefully, often making equality-seekers hesitate to engage. But once permission is given, the seemingly dangerous edges of eroticism can metamorphose into an exhilarating liberation.

Elizabeth's story comes to mind. She's a committed feminist, yet finds immense pleasure in the realm of sexual submission. As a meticulously organized school psychologist, her everyday life runs on a stringent schedule. But when she's with her partner, Vito, she willingly lets go of control. For them, their equality-based relationship is distinct from their sexual life — a domain where dominance plays its part. This understanding between them allows safer navigation through the tempestuous waves of passion.

Safety, within this scenario, is crucial as it lays the foundation for uninhibited exploration. However, certain societal narratives around safety and sex can be counterproductive. American adolescents, for example, are repeatedly told that abstinence is the only safe route, while European counterparts are encouraged to view sexual exploration as a normal phase of teen development. Ironically, this fear-based narrative does little to deter adolescents from engaging in sexual activities. American teens end up being eight times more likely to experience unplanned pregnancies compared to their European contemporaries and typically commence their sexual lives two years earlier.

The culture of shame cast around adolescent sex further impacts their adult relationships, making it difficult to vocalize their sexual desires without being marred by guilt. However, once we stop branding our passion as a 'problem' or a 'taboo', we can truly immerse ourselves in the depths of self-expansion that it offers — especially when we allow ourselves to surrender to its immense power.

Childhood impressions and their lasting echo on our erotic mindscape

Imagine a 12-year-old boy, Dylan, mourning his mother's loss. His vulnerable eyes brim with tears, but his father commands him to maintain composure. From that pivotal point, Dylan buries his emotions, succumbing to his father's dictum. Little does he realize that this repression will cast long shadows over his adult sexual life.

The crux is this: a child's interaction with dependence and independence etches indelible marks on their ability to navigate through eroticism later in life.

Our first guides in life's intricate journey are our primary caregivers. They initiate us into the realms of love, imprinting their perspectives on our body, gender, and sexuality as they go along. The resultant beliefs and anticipations extend to our sexual interactions. Consider Dylan, who might frequent clubs to engage in anonymous sexual encounters, a defense mechanism erected to shield him from the painful sensitivity that vulnerability stirred in him.

Our "erotic blueprint" — the distinctive pattern of our sexual desires — offers insights into any concealed childhood trauma. It's an intricate portrayal of how our caregivers responded to our childhood needs and longings. Emotional deprivation in our tender years, similar to Dylan's experience, typically manifests as an aversion to vulnerability in adulthood. And without the courage to bare ourselves, succumbing to the tempestuous waves of eroticism remains an elusive ideal.

Case in point: James. His marriage to Stella was defined by harmony, but their intimacy lacked excitement. His sexual encounters were marred by performance anxiety, eventually extinguishing the flicker of eroticism and leaving Stella emotionally distant.

In his therapeutic journey, the author traced James' compulsive need to please back to his relationship with his mother, who heavily leaned on him for emotional sustenance. Upon realizing that he too held the right to consider his own needs during intimacy, James' obsession with Stella's satisfaction and pleasure waned. This, in turn, allowed him to reconnect with the present moment, igniting their stunted erotic life.

A resilient bond with our partners can provide an anchoring comes with immense reassurances. If we manage to overcome the fears of separation ingrained since childhood, we can confidently let go, delving into the depths of eroticism and knowing that upon surfacing, our loved ones would be right there — without judgment or reprimand.

Navigating parenthood: Preserving the flame of eroticism amidst the chaos

Isn't it paradoxical that offspring – universally birthed from the throes of passion – often culminate in the decline of their parents' sexual chemistry? Regardless of the child's arrival mode, their parents' genders or sexuality, the advent of a child can cause previously vibrant sexual lives to teeter on the edge of extinction.

The essence here is: eroticism can sail through the stormy seas of parenthood only if couples consciously decide to safeguard it.

Why does passion often take a backseat when parents step into their new role?

Parenthood triggers the most challenging phase in a couple's life. The moment a duo transforms into a trio, the definition of security takes on a deeper hue. Navigating the uphill task of caring for a delicate human life can feel overwhelmingly daunting, compelling us to do whatever it takes to cultivate a sanctuary of safety. The carefree artist in us gives way to a meticulous administrator, the gutsy biker transitions to a mindful pedestrian, and the party animal evolves into a responsible adult. But eroticism feeds on uncharted territories, unpredictability, and edginess — worlds that often clash with the concerns of child safety. Thus, eroticism takes a brave fall to safeguard the innocent life we've been entrusted with.

Adding to this struggle is the societal stereotype that paints an ideal mother with shades of selflessness. Take Stephanie, who finds herself constantly battling a never-ending list of chores while juggling her role as a mother. Her sexual chemistry with her husband, Warren, appears insignificant compared to mundane tasks like laundry or dishes. This ''list-driven lifestyle'', while offering a sense of control amidst the pandemonium of raising kids, also stems from the pressure to live up to the image of a 'perfect mother'. To reconnect with her inherent erotic spirit, Stephanie had to learn to relish guilt-free pleasure. Her journey commenced not with Warren, but with a refreshing weekend getaway with her sister, entrusting the kids to Warren's care.

Preserving the spark of erotic intimacy during parenthood requires acknowledging the incessant chase that defines a relationship. This pursuit lights up the flame of desire. Scheduling dates can facilitate physical intimacy for overwhelmed parents. Though some may regard this as an affront to spontaneity — an essential catalyst for eroticism — this practice actually stokes the fire of anticipation, a key ingredient for erotic sparks.

So, if you're a parent scrambling to balance parenting and personal needs, slot in a regular rendezvous with your partner. Be it a peaceful drive or a quiet dinner together, these moments can revive the dormant passion. Allowing yourself to daydream about these dates can whip up the exciting anticipation reminiscent of the first few romantic pursuits.

Unlock the secret doors of passion: Embrace sexual fantasies as a gateway to your erotic desires

Sexual fantasies are often shrouded in an external cloak of disapproval. Considered a sin under the realm of many creeds or perceived as perverse according to modern psychological theories, fantasies are generally kept under wraps to avoid potential embarrassment or shame. But, what if we could flip the societal script and explore fantasies as a window offering a new perspective?

The key takeaway is: recognizing sexual fantasies as a mirror to our erotic needs can reignite passion's flames.

Nurturing sexual fantasies is not just a normal, but a healthy aspect of adult sexuality. Indeed, fantasies have transformative power—they allow us to shrug off societal constraints—the labels of a perfect mother, a responsible husband—and break free from our emotional chains. Within the secure boundaries of fantasy, we may morph into an enticing escort surrounded by suitors, momentarily escaping the lingering wounds of a past spent in the shadows. In essence, fantasies voice our frailties while allowing us to transcend them.

Although fantasies inhabit the enticing world of eroticism, the fear of judgment or rejection often makes it intimidating to share them with our partners. This could be attributed to their contradiction with our publicly-accepted self, adding another layer of discomfort. The ardent feminist might balk at the thought of divulging fantasies of submission. The loving father may drown in guilt for desiring the teenage babysitter. However, gathering the courage to discuss our fantasies can pave the way for infinite erotic possibilities.

Take Joni as an example, who harbored fantasies of rugged cowboys competing to induce her most powerful orgasm. Troubled by thoughts of diagnosing herself as a masochist or pinning herself as a sexual offering, Joni unraveled her fantasies during her therapy sessions with the author.

The author interpreted it differently. Joni's fantasies weren't a dark masochistic abyss but a longing for her compassionate partner, Ray, to showcase a bolder side. Although apprehensive about revealing her fantasies, Joni encouraged Ray to dominate their lovemaking sessions. Additionally, she got comfortable voicing her desires—a step she previously avoided for the fear of belittling him. Surprisingly, Ray wasn't daunted. Instead, her requests turbocharged their passion, steering them towards a fulfilling sexual journey.

In conclusion, delving into our fantasies can be enlightening, laying bare our sexual cravings. Rather than being symbols of shame or humiliation, our fantasies serve as healing instruments that can fan the dwindling embers of eroticism.

Navigating Temptation: Reinforce commitment and reduce infidelity through acknowledgment and play

Given that two individuals commit to a monogamous relationship, how many individuals are involved in it? If you answered two, we might need to rethink that.

Making a vow to forsake all others and emotionally and sexually commit to a single person doesn’t abruptly dissolve all other temptations. The continuation of a long-term relationship depends significantly on realizing the fact that commitment doesn't render other people unattractive.

Here's the crux: Owning up to the existence of temptation can aid in diminishing the risk of cheating.

So, circling back to our initial question: how many people are really in a monogamous relationship? The surprising answer is three. This third person symbolizes the individual fantasies that you and your partner harbor. They could be real—as enticing as your child's attractive coach—or remnants of your past—like your college sweetheart. They may even be figments of your imagination—picture Mr. Darcy emerging from the lake, shirt clinging to his wet torso. Even if we steer clear of physically or emotionally indulging in our third person, their existence exudes a pull. They signify the taboo allure—triggering jealousy and insecurity in our partners.

Bound by the captivating notion of being our partner's everything, we often gloss over the existence of the third person. However, acknowledging them allows us to exercise our freedom while reaffirming our commitment. We reassure our partner, saying, "Sure, I find that interior designer appealing, but my heart chooses you."

A few fearless couples make the bold move of integrating their third person into their relationships. This doesn't imply extending a sleepover invite to the dreamy designer. It translates to indulging in erotic role-play. For example, Wendy was aware of George's eye for blondes. She decided to slip into a radiant blonde wig and surprised him with a lunch date at his office. Reveling in their provocative secret, they savored the imagined jealousy seeping through George's colleagues, contemplating an affair.

Embracing this candid acknowledgment transforms the third person from being a threat to an enticing game. This modification spares us from slipping into troubling behaviors fueled by anxiety, such as invading our partner's privacy by reading their emails or restricting their social circle. These desperate measures seldom provide us with the desired security, often pushing our partner away, amplifying our insecurities.

If the third person is incorporated into our relationship, there's no need to seek them elsewhere. There's no underlying craving because we get to explore their enticing persona along with our partner. Engaging in playful exploration can act as an incredibly powerful aphrodisiac. Following in Wendy and George's footsteps, we could find ourselves swimming in the sea of passion, abundant enough to last several lifetimes.

In Conclusion

The central insight here:

As part of any long-standing relationship, there's often an acceptance that the fiery passion of the initial phase gradually diminishes. Modern societal pressures, coupled with the demands of parenting, can leave us physically and mentally exhausted, with hardly any energy left for sexual encounters. Moreover, an increase in emotional intimacy often sheds away the enigmatic allure of our partner, reducing them simply to a familiar companion rather than an exciting, undiscovered territory. However, it's not solely the mundane routine and exertions of life that snuff out the sparks of desire. Our fear of vulnerability often makes us cling desperately to the roles we've meticulously crafted within our relationship, creating a false sense of security. Unfortunately, this sense of safety tends to be the biggest dampener of passion.

By tracing our insecurities back to their origins, and allowing our sexual fantasies to serve as a guide to unhealed wounds, we can begin the healing process. This exercise can shed light on our sexual behaviors and desires, empowering us to wholeheartedly embrace the risky yet intoxicating thrills of eroticism. In this process, both you and your partner can embark on a journey towards a more fulfilling and thrilling sexual relationship.