Partnering - Book Summary

Unlock the power of deep connections to elevate your impact

Our culture prides itself on individualism, pushing us towards personal triumphs and independence, often at the expense of our connections with our peers and loved ones. Consequently, many of us grapple with isolation, struggling to form significant bonds in both professional and personal arenas. But upon closer inspection, we find that the backbone of a purposeful life and a thriving organization lies in the strength of durable partnerships. Accomplished leaders, like the originators of Innocent Drinks and the united front that worked to seal the ozone hole, reached their optimal potential and amplified their influence by fostering their relationships.

If you're seeking to nurture a business alliance or enhance your connections with friends, family, or romantic partners, you're in the right spot. In the forthcoming discussion, you'll uncover six guiding principles for the discovery, establishment, and growth of Deep Connections, drawing on insights gathered by Jean Oelwang from over 60 interviews with life and business partners.

Navigating towards a fulfilling life through Deep Connections

When Jean Oelwang inaugurated Virgin Unite, the philanthropic extension of the Virgin Group, she was a seasoned professional, boasting two decades of hard-earned success. Her journey included the establishment and growth of mobile phone companies globally. However, this victory did not come without sacrifices. To establish her identity as a triumphant female leader, her friendships had to fit into hurried taxi calls, while family time was relegated to fleeting, in-and-out visits.

This state of affairs was disrupted in 2006. Jean found herself in a taxi in Johannesburg, South Africa, heading to a meeting alongside her friend Nicola Elliot and her boss, Richard Branson — the renowned founder of the Virgin Group. This meeting was poised to alter her perspective on relationships radically. They were en route to meet Nelson Mandela and his wife, Graça Machel, to discuss potential appointees for the Elders — an organization established by Mandela and Machel in association with Richard and musician Peter Gabriel. The Elders was set to comprise global leaders joining forces to address worldwide conflicts.

Upon their arrival at Houghton, a lush suburb of Johannesburg, the trio — Nicola, Richard, and Jean — were welcomed by Graça. Her vibrant aura and generous spirit made her instantly likeable. Graça's illustrious past included being a freedom fighter, the education minister of Mozambique, and an advocate for women and children globally. Soon, they were joined by Mandela in the living room. His radiant smile and towering presence instilled an immediate sense of joy. But there was another palpable energy in the room — the profound love shared by Graça and Mandela. This love transcended the realm of romance; it was a Deep Connection that uplifted them, enabling each to pursue their life's missions more effectively.

As the meeting progressed, Mandela regaled them with stories about his friends — including renowned figures like former UN secretary-general Kofi Annan and former United States president Jimmy Carter. It was at this juncture that Jean had an epiphany — Mandela had ascended to his esteemed stature largely through his relationships. The Deep Connections that influential leaders nurture with one another empower them to conceive and build something beyond individual capabilities. Contrary to the widespread belief in rampant individualism, Jean realized that life's true meaning is cultivated through the Deep Connections we foster with others.

This revelation sparked a 15-year exploration journey for the author, trying to understand how to build Deep Connections and collaborative initiatives to make a positive impact on the world.

Infuse your life mission with vibrancy through nurturing significant associations.

Most of us often associate purpose with individual pursuits. However, the most profound shifts typically occur when individuals unite. Therefore, the initial Degree of Connection lies in amplifying your life's mission by forging meaningful partnerships. By fostering such associations, we set ourselves up for the possibility of being part of a larger cause. In some instances, shared missions can even catalyze sweeping changes on a global scale.

Consider the example of Professor Frank Sherwood Rowland, fondly known as "Sherry" by his close associates. He was instrumental in initiating the chemistry program at the University of California, Irvine, back in 1964. Almost a decade later, in 1973, a student from Mexico City, Mario Molina, joined Sherry's postdoctoral program. The duo resolved to study the impact of chlorofluorocarbons, or CFCs, on the environment. CFCs were widely used in several technologies, ranging from refrigerators and pesticides to deodorant and hairspray. While Sherry and Mario were aware of the atmospheric persistence of CFCs, their research led them to an astonishing discovery. CFCs, carried to the stratosphere by wind patterns, were accelerating the breakdown of the Earth's protective ozone layer. The implications of this were staggering — without the safeguarding ozone layer, the Sun's ultraviolet radiation would decimate ecosystems, lead to a dramatic rise in skin cancer and cataract cases, and severely affect agriculture.

Upon publishing their groundbreaking findings in Nature in 1974, Sherry and Mario were met with disbelief from most quarters. Despite this, the two scientists embarked on a mission to persuade business leaders, politicians, the general public, and the media to act. They faced backlash from companies that were reaping significant profits from the multi-billion dollar CFC industry, accusing them of publicity-seeking. Even some fellow scientists criticized them, arguing that activism had no place in science. Unfazed by the criticism, Sherry and Mario pressed on, driven by a shared purpose — the urgent need to protect humanity.

Their persistence bore fruit a decade later when another group of scientists discovered a "hole" in the ozone layer above the Antarctic. Subsequent studies corroborated that the ozone layer was diminishing at an alarming rate. The world was finally beginning to take notice. In 1987, the Montreal Protocol was ratified, outlining a strategy to phase out CFCs and other ozone-depleting substances. Eventually, 197 countries endorsed the agreement, and Sherry and Mario were honored with the Nobel Prize in Chemistry.

By forging partnerships, we unlock the potential to manifest something that eclipses the scope of ourselves, our collaborators, and even our organizations. This transcendent objective is not about amassing wealth or power. Instead, it's about crafting a meaningful life and facilitating a positive global impact, leveraging your unique abilities. Your mission may be personal, or it might align with your partner's vision. But here's the crux of the matter: shift your focus from extracting benefits from your relationships towards contemplating how these associations can contribute to the betterment of the world. Over time, your relationships will demonstrate greater resilience during inevitable conflicts, anchored by a shared sense of purpose.

Unreserved commitment - the cornerstone of robust relationships.

The bedrock of any flourishing relationship lies in a mutual understanding — knowing that each partner will be there for the other, come what may. As such, the Second Degree of Connection is about wholeheartedly investing in your relationships. An "all-in" relationship necessitates crafting a bond that permits vulnerability and encourages risk-taking, assured by the underpinning of unqualified love.

Creating such a relationship isn't necessarily a cakewalk. It demands courage, diligence, and the ability to navigate conflicts creatively. However, the feeling of security and mutual trust propels you to do more and fosters a liberating confidence that lasts.

When Jean interviewed former United States president Jimmy Carter for her book, she embarked on a journey unlike their past encounters. Although she had collaborated with President Carter for ten years through the Elders, this interview stood apart. When they convened at the Carter Center, their dialogue didn't revolve around conventional topics such as human rights, climate change, or health care. Instead, they delved into President Carter's lifelong partnership with his wife, former first lady Rosalynn Carter.

President Carter's relationship with Rosalynn originated from their shared hometown, Plains, Georgia, where they grew up as neighbors. During a weekend visit home from the US Naval Academy, a spark ignited between them. President Carter admitted that he had decided to marry Rosalynn from the outset. Their commitment led to four children, twelve grandchildren, and fourteen great-grandchildren, sealing their record as the longest-married US presidential couple. President Carter lovingly credited Rosalynn as the most pivotal figure during his presidential tenure, during Jean's interview.

Their candid discussion also unveiled the inevitable confrontations that a marriage encounters. One of their most difficult periods unfolded after Carter's failed re-election bid. The couple decided to co-author a book — Everything to Gain: Making the Most of the Rest of Your Life. They encountered numerous disagreements about the nuances of their narratives, prompting their editor to propose including both versions in the book. The Carters conceded that they didn't always share the same perspectives, but they made it a point to discuss their disparities before retiring for the night.

According to President Carter, shared failures are typical in a relationship since both partners are in it together. And the successes? They attributed their victories to respecting each other's individual space and cultivating shared passions, such as skiing, fly-fishing, and bird-watching. Through the Carter Center, they also persevered in their mutual advocacy for peace and human rights. At the end of the day, their steadfast commitment bolstered their bond, providing resilience in the face of adversity and triumph.

Building a virtuous ecosystem: Six key principles

In our digital age, the pursuit of instant gratification, wealth, and power often eclipses the aspiration for collective progress. To foster Deep Connections, a shift in our ethical and moral compass is required.

The Third Degree of Connection advocates for cultivating a moral ecosystem. Visualize this ecosystem as a spiritual guiding mechanism, leading your actions by engraining in you key virtues. Over time, these values become reflexive, fostering compassion, grace, and unconditional love among us and our Deep Connections.

To transcend cultural barriers and elevate your aspirations, six fundamental virtues come into play: Enduring Trust; Unshakeable Mutual Respect; United Belief; Shared Humility; Nurturing Generosity; and Compassionate Empathy.

Enduring Trust, the most critical among these virtues, warrants closer examination.

Enduring Trust extends beyond establishing trust in each other - it concerns trusting life itself. It requires believing that your decisions will guide you towards success and a graceful existence. Living without fear facilitates being wholly present in our relationships, allowing us to bring our complete selves to the equation.

A perfect illustration is the journey of three young entrepreneurs — Brian Chesky, Nate Blecharczyk, and Joe Gebbia — who in 2007, were on a mission to establish a unique business. The concept of inviting strangers into your home was deemed far-fetched back then. The trio comprehended that earning trust from both hosts and guests would be the linchpin for their business model's success. Hence, Airbnb was built with connection and trust as its cornerstone, providing free professional photography services, establishing a comprehensive reputation system, and prompting customer reviews.

However, the advent of the COVID-19 pandemic and the consequent cessation of travel pushed Airbnb into a corner. Choosing health and safety over profitability, the founders decided to issue full refunds to customers, leaving hosts dumbfounded. This perceived breach of trust could have been a death knell for the company. Recognizing their mistake, Joe, Brian, and Nate displayed humility by offering a $250 million fund to aggrieved hosts, along with a formal apology.

To foster trust, prioritize open and straightforward communication. Presume that others have positive intentions, but don't shy away from challenging conversations. Accept that missteps are part and parcel of the journey, and take responsibility for your actions when they occur. If trust-building in a relationship proves difficult, introspect — do you trust yourself? Having faith in your own intentions and capabilities is the fundamental stepping stone towards fostering trust in all your relationships.

Fostering deep connections: The power of magnetic moments

Imagine your most cherished memories with your loved ones, colleagues, or business partners. Perhaps it's the shared laughter at a company barbecue or the gleam of surprise in your best friend's eyes during a surprise birthday party.

Such shared experiences are what we define as magnetic moments, the Fourth Degree of Connection. These moments intensify the sense of unity, adding depth and significance to your relationships. They could take the form of customs, daily practices, or traditions that evoke curiosity and wonder. Not only do these moments create room for boundless joy and candid conversation, but they also help build a broader network of support. They become defining moments in your relationships, steering your Deep Connections through turbulent times.

Magnetic moments don't just happen; they require thoughtful planning and intentional effort. This was a concept well understood by Richard Reed, Adam Balon, and Jon Wright, the brains behind Innocent Drinks. The trio, who first bonded at the University of Cambridge, conceived the idea of a natural fruit smoothie business during a snowboarding trip in the late '90s. Their first initiative was a £500 investment into crafting an array of smoothies for sale at a London music festival. The positive response kickstarted the journey of Innocent Drinks.

One of the keys to the company's success was the founders' commitment to instituting rituals, practices, and traditions. Their quarterly off-site meetings, which started in local pubs, evolved into team-building trips to locations such as Salzburg and Ibiza.

Since 2003, the company also initiated the Big Knit, an annual tradition where people all over the UK send miniature knitted hats to the company. For every bottle sold with a hat, Innocent Drinks donates 25 pence to Age UK to assist the elderly. With over seven and a half million hats and more than £2.5 million raised for charity, this tradition has not only strengthened the bond between the company and its consumers, but also built a distinct sense of community.

The founders' continuous effort to create new customs and traditions has been instrumental in sustaining their friendships alongside their business partnership. Consistency is also essential — their routine Monday afternoon meetings provide a space for connection, enabling them to better anticipate and fulfill each other's needs.

The art of celebrating friction: Turning conflict into a stepping stone

Friction in any relationship is as inevitable as the ebb and flow of the ocean. More often than not, we consider it an undesirable occurrence to be avoided. But, what if we've been viewing it all wrong?

The Fifth Degree of Connection invites us to celebrate friction. This isn't about instigating drama or conflict — it's about viewing disagreement as an opportunity for growth. It necessitates setting your ego aside and contemplating your role in the problem. This form of constructive conflict rests on trusting that your partner has your best interest at heart, reflecting back to the moral ecosystem discussed in the Third Degree of Connection. Discovering shared resolutions allows you and your partners to rise above the turmoil and keep sight of the bigger goal.

By handling friction elegantly, we can treat conflict as an enlightening experience. We can embrace the fact that we don't possess all the answers and view our partners as our trusted guides and support system.

An exemplary tale of celebrating friction is the journey of André Borschberg and Bertrand Piccard, the brains behind the first solar-powered flight around the world in 2016. This 26,000-mile expedition took 558 hours, but the duo attributes the success of their enterprise, Solar Impulse, to the Deep Connection that was the bedrock of their friendship.

One of the early points of contention that emerged between them was when the media credited Bertrand as the sole founder of the company, overlooking André. Michèle Piccard, Bertrand's wife, advised him to address the issue to prevent any lasting damage to their friendship. Casting their egos aside, Bertrand and André discussed the matter privately, recognizing that Bertrand's extensive public speaking background had unintentionally cast him as the company's spokesperson, while André's inherent talent as a pilot had been overshadowed. Bertrand hadn't intended to outshine André. As a resolution, they decided to share their skills — Bertrand would help André improve his public speaking abilities, while André would coach Bertrand in flying aircraft. What could have sparked a feud instead became a valuable learning experience for both parties.

André and Bertrand refer to their knack for transforming conflict into innovation as "the sparkles." Instead of competing against each other when disagreements arise, they aim to rise to a higher level of understanding. According to Bertrand, if neither of them has grown from a conversation, it signifies a lost opportunity to learn and evolve.

Unlock the power of collective action through deep connections and collaborative design

Our world today is confronted with enormous challenges — from climate change and racial injustice to stark inequalities. Addressing these monumental issues calls for innovative, collaborative solutions driven by a diverse team of individuals spanning various nations and cultures. It is here that Deep Connections find their paramount importance. They serve as the cornerstone to tackling these global crises.

This takes us to the Sixth Degree of Connection — collective connections. These connections draw upon a set of design principles that foster successful collaborations. When assembling a team for a collective effort, people typically focus on technical skills, expertise, or prestige. However, what if we built these teams with Deep Connections at their core? The ripple effect from such intimately connected leadership teams could revolutionize an entire organization.

To make collective connections among diverse individuals work, we can apply specific collaborative design principles. One such pivotal principle is relational scaffolding — a concept that values the relationships you cultivate instead of focusing solely on transactions.

The $11 billion global enterprise, Natura, is an exemplary example of relational scaffolding at work. Founded by Luiz Seabra, Pedro Passos, and Guilherme Leal in 1969, the Brazilian cosmetics giant has utilized relational scaffolding to broaden its reach. With a distributed collective of over six million consultants across 100 countries, Natura generates innovative, eco-friendly ideas while promoting sustainable consumption.

But their commitment doesn't stop there — the company has established partnerships with over 30 indigenous Amazonian communities to source ingredients like ucuuba berries and Brazil nuts. These strategic relational structures inspire their partners to contribute actively to the company's broader mission.

Natura prioritizes transparency and knowledge sharing, ensuring that information flow is unhindered. Simultaneously, it maintains an adaptive and flexible stance, allowing room for change within the organizational structure. These practices have enabled the company to extend the Deep Connections that reinforce its co-founders' collaboration across the whole organization, effectively setting up a robust relational scaffolding.

A concluding reflection

Deep Connections serve as the foundation to build something extraordinary that transcends self-interest and impacts the world at large. By developing Deep Connections in both your personal and professional spheres, you can nurture a shared vision and a moral environment infused with virtues. Embrace friction and create room for Magnetic Moments, thus transforming conflict into an opportunity for further connection. Delve into the limitless potential of growth that your relationships present — cultivating, nurturing, and harnessing the power of Deep Connections.