Surrounded by Narcissists - Book Summary

Navigating the world of narcissists: How to shield yourself

In our lives today, it seems as though narcissists are popping up everywhere — from the higher echelons of politics to the feeds of social media influencers, and even within our own circles. Perhaps you're tired of dealing with a self-centered acquaintance, or you're at your wit's end with a partner's controlling behavior.

Fortunately, behavioral expert Thomas Erikson offers a lifeline with pragmatic strategies for handling those infiltrated by narcissism. This summary will explore several of these tactics, providing you tools to navigate situations dominated by ego.

The unfortunate truth is that you're unlikely to change a narcissist. However, arming yourself with the knowledge to identify specific actions and knowing how to react can protect you from being drawn into their manipulative webs.

In this segment, you will learn to:

- Identify the hallmarks of narcissistic behavior.

- React effectively when you sense manipulation.

- Understand when it's time to distance yourself — or sever ties completely.

Recognizing narcissists around you

When you think of a narcissist, images of vanity and self-adulation likely spring to mind, right? This concept originates from a Greek myth about Narcissus, a young man so enamored with his own reflection that his story ends in tragedy, a stark reminder of the perils of excessive self-love.

However, real-life narcissism extends beyond simple vanity; it's a complex personality disorder that often harms those around the narcissist more than the narcissists themselves.

Thomas Erikson, in his book "Surrounded by Narcissists," aims to equip us with the tools to avoid falling prey to such individuals. The key, according to Erikson, lies in learning to spot the narcissists that we encounter daily. These individuals are not merely absorbed in their reflections like the legendary Narcissus.

Consider, for example, a colleague who is quick to point out flaws in others but reacts explosively to any form of criticism. Or perhaps a friend who monopolizes every conversation to focus solely on their interests and achievements.

It could even be someone as close as a partner or a family member known for deceitful or manipulative behavior.

Take a moment to reflect — do these descriptions remind you of anyone? Chances are, you're thinking of someone right now.

Understanding the impact of narcissists and their resistance to change

As you consider the self-centered individuals in your life, you might question just how detrimental narcissists can be. Sure, they're irritating, but are they truly harmful?

The truth is, while they may not be conventionally violent, narcissists can pose a significant psychological threat. Engaging in behaviors like cheating, lying, manipulating, gaslighting, love bombing, and playing mind games, narcissists have the capacity to severely impact mental health, particularly in those who hold emotional ties with them.

Those who have been romantically involved with narcissists often see themselves as "survivors" of the relationship. The initial charm and overt displays of affection eventually give way to coldness, criticism, and manipulation.

So, to address the earlier question — yes, narcissists can be quite destructive. Moreover, the prospects for change in a true narcissist, someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), are bleak. NPD, found in about one to two percent of the population, is a personality disorder, not an ailment with a clear cure.

While there are treatments like psychotherapy and cognitive behavioral therapy available for NPD, none have definitively proven to be effective in curing the disorder. That's mainly because to entertain the idea of a cure, the individual in question must first recognize a problem and desire to change — a realization unlikely in narcissists, who often see their manipulative behaviors as advantageous.

Although it's possible to encourage someone displaying narcissistic traits to modify their behavior, if real change doesn't occur, continuing these efforts might only lead to your own distress. Therefore, conserving your energy for more effective strategies is advisable — let's explore what those might entail in the following segment.

Enhancing self-awareness to outsmart narcissists

You might still be questioning how much of a threat narcissists really pose, especially if you believe yourself immune to manipulation. However, it's crucial to understand that narcissists have honed their skills in exploitation to such a degree that very few, including experts, are entirely beyond their reach.

Take, for example, an anecdote shared by Thomas Erikson about a researcher who, under some inexplicable compulsion, decided to lend his Mercedes to a narcissist fresh out of prison. Predictably, the car was never returned. This story underscores a harsh reality: narcissists are opportunists who exploit everyone, particularly those who are most emotionally vulnerable — the empaths.

Empaths, with their natural inclination to aid others, are perfect targets for narcissists, often falling for the latter's guise of victimhood only to find themselves the actual victims in a classic wolf-in-sheep's-clothing scenario.

Up to this point, our discussion has centered on identifying narcissistic traits in others. Now, it's time to turn the lens inward and engage in some self-examination. Knowing your own strengths and vulnerabilities is essential before confronting the narcissist in your life.

To guide this self-assessment, let's utilize the color system from the DISC behavior assessment model, familiar to those who've read Erikson's other works like "Surrounded by Idiots" or "Surrounded by Setbacks." For those new to this model, here's a brief overview:

- Reds are extroverted and fact-focused. They're ambitious and excel in problem-solving but need to maintain control. Loss of control is their trigger point.

- Yellows are also extroverts but prioritize relationships over facts. They are optimists who thrive on social interactions but struggle with isolation and rejection.

- Greens are introverted and relationship-oriented, usually empathetic and resistant to conflict and change.

- Blues are introverted and fact-focused, known for their thoughtfulness and diligence, yet they fear public embarrassment.

Understanding these dynamics is more than just self-discovery; it's about preparing for interaction with a narcissist. Narcissists excel in identifying and exploiting the vulnerabilities linked to these personality types. By recognizing your own tendencies and potential weaknesses, you can better safeguard against manipulative tactics.

Take a moment now to reflect on which color resonates most with you. This knowledge is a powerful tool in arming yourself against the manipulative exploits of a narcissist.

Strategies for handling manipulative tactics by narcissists

Imagine you're a red personality type. When things don't go your way, you might become agitated or anxious. Narcissists are adept at detecting and exploiting these emotional responses in order to manipulate situations to their advantage.

For instance, during a disagreement about their troublesome behavior, a narcissist might provoke you into raising your voice. Their retort, "I knew this would happen — you're always yelling," shifts the focus from the topic at hand to your reaction. It's a classic manipulation tactic: divert and dominate.

Or, suppose you're a green, characterized by your sensitivity and aversion to conflict. In a confrontation with a narcissist, you may become flustered or speechless, only to be met with exasperation: "Ugh, talking to you is impossible; it's like you're too scared to have a proper conversation." Suddenly, the discussion shifts from their actions to your perceived shortcomings.

These scenarios illustrate manipulative behavior at its core. So, how do you respond effectively without playing into their hands? Here are a couple of approaches:

First, try to remain calm and call out the manipulation directly: "I feel like you're trying to manipulate me." Expect them to deny it, but establishing that you see through their tactics is crucial.

Another effective method is to momentarily halt the conversation. This can be more straightforward during a phone call — a simple "Someone's at the door, need to go" or "Sorry, my battery’s running low. I’ll call you back later" provides a quick out.

In person, consider using a plausible excuse such as needing to use the restroom or check an urgent email on your phone. Alternatively, you might say, "I need some time to think about that. I'll get back to you." This not only gives you space to collect your thoughts but also momentarily takes the wind out of their sails.

If pressing pause doesn't come naturally to you, particularly for those with impulsive red or yellow traits, practicing this technique can be invaluable. Recognize when you're at risk of being manipulated, and don’t hesitate to step back from the conversation. Removing yourself from the immediate situation rebalances the power dynamic, ensuring the narcissist can't control the interaction.

Establishing boundaries and considering separation from a narcissist

Understanding how to manage interactions with a narcissist is essential, yet it's often not a one-time challenge. If a person has manipulated you before, chances are, they will do it again.

This necessitates a strategy to effectively deal with ongoing narcissistic behavior, particularly through setting firm boundaries.

Let's say the narcissist in question is your partner. They might occasionally manipulate or frequently issue undue criticism — a trait not uncommon among narcissists. Suppose you're not ready to end the relationship but are intent on improving the situation. Here’s how you might proceed:

Start by openly prioritizing your own needs. Declare to your partner, "My needs matter too. I expect to be treated with respect moving forward."

Next, clearly outline what behaviors you find unacceptable. You might say, "I'm tired of constant criticism over trivial matters. I will not tolerate this behavior any longer."

Encourage your partner to recognize that divergent views or needs are natural, asserting, "You might not always agree with me, but that doesn’t invalidate my perspective."

Express your expectation for improvement in the relationship now that you’ve established these boundaries: "I believe I've made my position clear, and I expect things to improve."

Ask for explicit acknowledgment and commitment from your partner: "Do you understand my points? Will you make an effort to change?"

This approach essentially sets a framework for change and makes clear what needs to shift in the relationship dynamics.

If, however, your partner persists in treating you poorly despite these boundaries, it may be time to consider walking away. Remember, true narcissists seldom change. Staying in a perpetually toxic relationship isn't an obligation.

It's important to note that the strategy of setting boundaries is most feasible with personal relationships like partners, friends, or family. With a narcissistic boss, the dynamics are different, and it's tougher to set the terms.

If direct confrontation and boundary-setting don't seem feasible, distancing yourself might be the next best solution. Physically and emotionally distancing yourself can help avoid further harm. In extreme cases, completely cutting ties might be necessary — whether it’s ending the relationship, quitting a job, or stopping all communication with a friend.

Making such decisions can be tough, but it's vital to prioritize your emotional health. Don’t feel guilty for taking steps to protect yourself from a detrimental relationship.

The rising tide of narcissism in society

It's one thing to distance yourself from a narcissistic partner or friend, but what about when it feels like narcissism permeates the very fabric of society?

Narcissistic tendencies are not limited to personal relationships. From politicians to social media influencers and reality TV stars, narcissistic behavior seems to be everywhere. While True Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) might impact only 1 to 2 percent of the population, estimates suggest that up to 20 percent engage in narcissistic behaviors.

The 2009 publication "The Narcissism Epidemic" by psychologists Twenge and Campbell highlights a stark rise in narcissistic behavior within American culture, exceeding those clinically diagnosed with NPD. This trend isn't just a statistical concern—it's becoming a societal norm.

One contributing factor is likely the influence of social media, which fosters and often rewards self-promotion and attention-seeking behaviors. Less apparently, the self-help industry also plays a role. Consider Rhonda Byrne's "The Secret," which promotes the idea that one can have anything if only they desire it enough. This ethos resonates deeply with narcissistic personalities, further feeding into the societal narcissism.

Thomas Erikson expresses concern not only about individual narcissists but about the broader phenomenon of collective narcissism. This occurs when a group—whether united by political ideology, faith, or even fandom—demands uncritical acceptance and admiration from outsiders.

A study involving American participants reading a fabricated interview criticizing the U.S. illustrates the danger of collective narcissism vividly. Even when participants learned that the criticisms were made up, their agitation persisted, showcasing the defensive and often irrational behavior spurred by collective narcissist tendencies.

With no simple resolution for rooting out cultural narcissism, the focus shifts to personal safeguarding. The strategies for dealing with individual narcissists—such as taking breaks or setting boundaries—apply similarly to interactions with collectively narcissistic groups. A practical step might be a digital detox or consciously steering clear of social platforms and groups that champion or exhibit toxic behaviors.

Though you may find yourself surrounded by narcissism, engagement is optional. Remember, choosing not to interact with narcissistic behaviors, whether individual or collective, is within your control.

Key takeaways from dealing with narcissists

The overarching lesson in managing relationships with narcissists is recognizing the psychological toll they can impose. While narcissists themselves are generally resistant to change due to the nature of their personality disorder, you hold the power to alter how you respond and deal with their behavior.

If tactics like setting boundaries or creating physical or emotional distance prove ineffective, it's crucial to prioritize your own mental well-being. When a relationship with a narcissist continues to be harmful despite your best efforts to mitigate its impacts, taking decisive action by saying farewell is not just an option—it's a necessity.

Empower yourself to step away completely from damaging dynamics with a narcissist. In doing so, you liberate yourself from ongoing manipulation and psychological harm, opening the path to healthier relationships and personal peace.