The 11 Laws of Likability - Book Summary

Welcome to an enlightening journey to understand the essence of likability. After all, aren't we social creatures, relying on an intricate web of relationships to give our lives meaning, purpose, and happiness?

So, the question arises, what makes us drawn towards certain people? Moreover, how can we enhance our own charm? Here, we will unravel the eleven rules of likability — an engaging blend of authenticity, self-image, perception, energy, curiosity, listening, finding common ground, creating a happy memory bank, familiarity, generosity, and patience.

In this captivating exploration, we'll reveal:

— The importance of shifting away from the manipulative 'winning people over' mindset when networking,

— What it truly means to ask an impactful question, and

— The reason why being ourselves around those we dislike can be so tough.

Unleash your likability by genuinely connecting with others.

Picture the web of relationships we weave — professional, personal, familial. Doesn't it form the tapestry of our lives? Now imagine weaving the same intricate web in the world of business. We call this art — networking.

At its core, networking isn't about clinching deals or accumulating business cards. It's about cultivating relationships. In other words, it's about likability. It's about discovering the likable aspects within ourselves and others, sparking meaningful conversations, and lending an attentive ear to what others share.

Yet, the concept of likability isn't universal. It's as unique as each individual. However, despite this variability, certain fundamental components underpin likability — the eleven enchanting laws we'll unravel one by one.

But before we delve into these, let's clear a misconception — networking isn't a test where you must 'win' people over. If it feels like a chore, it's likely you're approaching it with the wrong mindset — viewing it as a transaction rather than a connection.

In fact, successful networking shouldn't be about 'takeaways'. It's not about what you can gain from the relationship, but rather the genuine connection you can build. And the secret to fostering such connections? It's simple — authenticity and honesty. Because the path to likability begins with simply being you.

Embrace authenticity: Be true to yourself and perceive others without judgment.

In a world where we all parade our unique sets of beliefs, goals, values, and attitudes, there's one thing that remains universal — authenticity. It's about genuinely representing who you are. But how do you know if you're wearing your authenticity like a badge of honor?

A simple gauge is your comfort level in any given situation. Authenticity feels effortless and natural, while inauthenticity can be a source of awkwardness. The trick, however, is that we often don't notice when we're being our authentic selves, precisely because it feels so comfortable. Yet, when we force ourselves to wear a mask and act against our inherent nature, it leaves us feeling uncomfortable and drained.

Often, we're drawn towards inauthentic behavior when we're under pressure to conform or when interacting with someone we dislike. We've all had thoughts like, "I don't like this person, but I should be polite," or "This situation is uncomfortable, but I don't know how to navigate it." These situations can compel us to mask our true feelings with over-politeness, a strategy that often leads to blatantly obvious pretense.

In such scenarios, what's the solution? Be authentic. Instead of forcing a plastic smile, try to observe the other person without bias. Perhaps you'll uncover qualities in them that deserve admiration, like unique skills or traits. Perhaps empathy for their actions or compassion for their circumstances might emerge.

This mental shift can pave the way towards genuine interaction, free from pretense. And remember, finding the silver lining in any situation or individual often leads to a more sincere and fruitful interaction. Be genuine, be you. That’s the way to be likable.

Opt for events where your authenticity shines.

How often have you grudgingly attended an event due to a sense of obligation? A situation we’ve all encountered. Yet, our real selves bloom when we act out of desire, not duty. Hence, if you don't have a genuine interest or absolute necessity to attend an event, consider opting out. Stand by your authentic choices.

Generally, events fall into two categories: those we're thrilled to attend, generating feelings of joy and anticipation, and those we feel pressured to attend, perhaps due to professional obligations or family expectations.

The secret here lies in discerning between the two, always remembering that you have a choice. If you can wriggle out of an event you'd rather not attend, go ahead. If a meeting doesn’t require your presence, feel free to skip.

Simultaneously, it helps to tweak your attitude a bit. After all, the essence of success often hinges on maintaining a positive outlook. So, transform the dreaded 'have-to' events into the eagerly awaited 'get-to' ones by identifying elements that ignite excitement within you.

For instance, if you're not eager about a birthday party of a mere acquaintance but can't get out of it, why not bring a friend along? Your authentic self will shine through when you're at ease, socializing in smaller groups, and meeting new people.

And always remember, there's no universally 'correct' way to be at a social gathering. The best person you can be is simply you. Your authentic self. That’s what makes you likable.

Pursue consistency and confidence in your conversations.

Ever had a conversation with someone, only to walk away feeling like they were entirely insincere? Chances are it was due to a disconnect between their words and their body language — a pitfall you should strive to avoid.

Instead, aim for congruency in your communication, harnessing the power of the triple V's — Verbal, Vocal, and Visual.

The first V, Verbal, focuses on the actual words you use. Vocal, the second V, spotlights your voice tone. The third V, Visual, emphasizes the importance of your body language.

The harmony of these three V's is crucial for effective communication. Ensure your message aligns across all three dimensions — what you say (verbal), how you say it (vocal), and how you physically express it (visual).

In his book "Silent Messages," psychologist Albert Mehrabian unpacks the notion of "total liking." He suggests it's 7 percent verbal, 38 percent vocal, and 55 percent visual. This implies that your words hold little weight on your likability if they aren’t harmonious with your body language and voice tone.

However, keep in mind, communication isn't just about consistency. Your three V's can occasionally misalign due to self-doubt. If you don't believe in what you're saying, others are unlikely to either. Moreover, if you're not feeling confident, your body language will inadvertently reveal it.

So, how can you exude the required confidence for effective communication?

Start by recognizing that your descriptions of situations shape your perceptions of them. Adopting a positive frame can help dispel negative thoughts. Instead of telling yourself, "I'm too slow, I'll never finish this," rephrase it as, "I'm taking my time to ensure I do this right."

Lastly, focus on your abilities, not your limitations. Convert thoughts like, "I have no idea how to do this" into "I'm eager to tackle something new." Remember, confidence, like authenticity, is key to likability.

Show genuine curiosity and question away to keep the conversation alive.

Engaging in conversation with a complete stranger can often seem daunting. Perhaps you're preoccupied with avoiding blunders, or maybe you feel you have nothing interesting to share. In such instances, don't fret. When in doubt, allow your genuine curiosity about the other person's life to guide the conversation.

Demonstrating sincere interest in someone's profession, hobbies, viewpoints, or personal experiences can be a wonderful conversation starter. If you lack information about the other person, ask simple questions about their favorite book or hobby. Usually, all it takes is one topic to set the conversational ball rolling.

However, the success of your conversation doesn't just hinge on your curiosity. It also heavily depends on the kinds of questions you pose. Essentially, questions fall into two categories: open-ended questions and probing questions.

Open-ended questions typically begin with what, how, why, or how come. They're brilliant conversation starters, capable of breathing life into a stagnating dialogue.

For instance, if you're at a music festival and you ask your neighbor, "How did you discover this festival?" it encourages a comprehensive response. However, if you ask, "Did you learn about this festival from their website?" the answer is likely a simple yes or no. To keep the conversation flowing, stick to open-ended questions.

Probing questions serve as excellent follow-ups, helping maintain an engaged conversation. They can be broken down into three categories:

First, clarifying questions that begin with "Do you mean...?" Secondly, rational questions like "I'm curious why you think that…" And lastly, expansion probes that start with "Please elaborate…"

All three variants are effective at fuelishing engaging conversations. Remember, showing genuine interest and curiosity is a surefire way to be likable.

Effective communication requires masterful listening.

Did you realize that honing your listening abilities enhances your natural likability? Indeed, it does, and understanding how to do it is pivotal.

There are three distinct layers of listening — inward listening, outward listening, and intuitive listening. Each plays a different role in a conversation and is instrumental in fostering connections. They make people feel acknowledged and understood.

Inward listening, the fundamental layer, allows you to perceive what the other person says from your vantage point and connect it to your experiences. For instance, if a friend says, "I adore Thai food," you might respond, "I do too," or, "I favor Indian cuisine." This level of listening uncovers shared experiences and mutual interests, vital elements of likability.

Outward listening focuses on the speaker. It involves correlating what you hear with your knowledge of them.

For example, if the same friend mentions their love for Thai food, you might respond, "What about it do you love?" or "Have you tried a good Thai place recently?" By posing such questions, you delve deeper into the person's interests and perspectives.

Lastly, intuitive listening goes beyond the spoken words. It takes into account the speaker's voice tone, body language, and energy. In essence, it's about discerning more than just verbal expressions.

Suppose your friend expresses their love for Thai food with a vibrant expression. You might respond, "You seem thrilled when you talk about it. Are you planning a trip to Thailand someday?" By listening intuitively, you engage more profoundly, fostering stronger connections and increasing your likability.

Shared commonalities and trust significantly enhance likability.

Individuals generally gravitate toward what's familiar. Hence, identifying shared commonalities with others can enhance comfort levels, increasing their likability.

You can seek mutual friends, shared interests, and similar backgrounds, or connect over common experiences and beliefs to establish a rapport.

An effective way of discovering these mutual aspects is to jot down a list of all the organizations you've ever been part of. Having this mental inventory can provide conversation starters. Your list could encompass schools, clubs, exchange programs, sports teams, parent associations, volunteer activities, and beyond. The primary goal is to discover as many shared aspects as possible with others.

However, don't overlook the importance of trust. People usually lean on sources they trust. The mindset is often, "I like this person, so I'll likely like the people they like as well." They validate their choices through a trusted third party.

This principle is why people often consider a friend's recommendation when hiring a new employee, or are inclined to interview a candidate who has worked with a trusted colleague. The same holds true for friends suggesting blind dates or recommending a new restaurant or movie.

For job seekers, this insight can be beneficial. It's worthwhile during your job hunt to identify any connections you might have with a prospective employer, possibly using platforms like LinkedIn.

If shared connections exist, utilize them to create a context for your conversation. Research the company's recent activities and tie them in with similar experiences on your resume.

In essence, people tend to like those who reflect their own characteristics. Therefore, seeking out common interests or hobbies can be an effective way to connect with others.

In conclusion

The crux of the book:

Cultivating meaningful relationships isn't a solo act, but rather it's about fostering connections. Building productive networks mandates you to discover shared commonalities, listen attentively, and establish a groundwork of trust.