The Defining Decade - Book Summary

Unlock the potentials of your 20s

The 20s. A period that, for many, feels like a natural extension of their teenage years. There's no expectation to have your whole life sorted out yet, to find your calling, to discover 'the one', or to start a family. With the lack of societal pressure to commit to anything of consequence, the 20-something often sails through this decade in a sort of personal limbo, hesitant to make any substantial commitments. And then, suddenly, the terrifying reality of nearing 30 sets in.

"The Defining Decade" by Meg Jay turns the notion of 20s as an inconsequential period on its head. It emphasizes the importance of this decade as a foundational period for the rest of our lives.

In the following narrative, you'll unearth:

— why cohabitation isn't necessarily the best rehearsal for marriage, and how it could, in fact, increase the likelihood of divorce,

— the way that a temporary, offbeat job can shift the course of your entire career,

— why a smaller pool of choices for 20-somethings is a blessing in disguise and not a curse, and

— how postponing the decision to have a family till your 30s can often end up causing complications.

Your 20s job choices build your personal capital and create unique resources

Landing that dream job in your 20s can seem like an elusive aspiration, even if you've been relentless in your pursuit since your school or college days.

So picture this: you're presented with two job options. The first is working at a coffee shop. The second, a slightly unconventional role, like translating comic books. Which would you go for?

If your pick is the latter, you've hit the nail on the head. These one-of-a-kind work experiences amass our identity capital — our reservoir of personal assets — which is highly valued by future employers.

Yes, identity capital encompasses traditional components such as degrees, job history, examination scores, and so forth. However, it also includes more personal elements like our communication style and problem-solving skills. And the only way to expand this identity capital is by diving headfirst into new experiences and opportunities.

What's more, a unique job — like translating comic books or mentoring troubled teens through canoeing — can often spring open unexpected doors to even better opportunities. Why? Because employers these days value your distinctive experiences more than your formal qualifications.

So when confronted with short-term job choices, lean towards the one that adds more richness to your identity capital.

However, tread carefully. A prolonged period of underemployment — being a dog walker, say, when you hold a PhD — can lead to a downward spiral into depression. Future employers might interpret this extended phase as unproductive.

One study revealed that 20-somethings who experienced underemployment for merely nine months showed increased levels of depression and decreased motivation compared to their unemployed counterparts. In simpler terms, accepting underemployment can make you relinquish your ambitions and feel undeserving of better jobs.

And from an employer's viewpoint, a period of unemployment mirrors underemployment. They associate joblessness with harmful habits such as excessive drinking and depression. So whether underemployed or unemployed, the impact on your professional profile can be equally detrimental.

Your 20s job decisions shape the trajectory of your income growth

Imagine your twenties as the starting line of your professional marathon. Does the idea of launching into a serious career right away make you squirm?

The truth is, while it may seem early, these critical years are when you should begin setting the groundwork for your career path. Delaying it may well mean you miss the boat.

Why, you ask?

For starters, a staggering two-thirds of your lifetime wage growth typically unfolds within the first decade of your career. Data from the US Census Bureau suggests that salaries usually hit their peak and plateau as we enter our 40s. Consequently, those who catch the early bird may outpace the late bloomers, creating a sense of lagging behind and exclusion for the latter group during their 30s and 40s. This is the perfect recipe for a midlife crisis.

Moreover, as we age, familial responsibilities and financial commitments like mortgages come into play, further dampening the pace of salary growth.

As we step into our 30s and 40s, our lives lose their flexibility. Embarking on a new degree or relocating to a different country for a career opportunity become complex propositions. The need to make consistent mortgage payments can render the prospect of funding a university degree a serious risk. Similarly, uprooting your children to a new country and school is a considerable upheaval for them.

Thus, the 20-somethings should seize this decade of relative freedom from such commitments to identify their life objectives and take proactive steps towards them.

And although planning might not be the favorite pastime of the 20-something demographic, surely no one wants to play catch-up later in life!

Boost your career prospects by stepping outside your close-knit circle

Imagine being at a social gathering. You're introduced to a friend's acquaintance, and during your casual chatter, he mentions an upcoming vacancy at his company — a role that seems tailor-made for you.

Yet, once you're back home, you're left ruminating over why you didn't ask for more details about the job. What prevented you from seizing the opportunity?

Often, we struggle to engage with individuals beyond our familiar circle. The allure of engaging with like-minded people offers us a sense of comfort and the security of predictability.

However, this cocoon of security inhibits us from venturing out of our comfort zone — a vital leap that opens doors to new acquaintances and career breakthroughs.

But how do you bridge this gap?

The key lies in making yourself relevant to those outside your immediate circle.

These faint connections, often referred to as weak ties, can only be strengthened by establishing relevance. Without this, any attempt to connect may simply fall on deaf ears. For instance, sending an email proposing lunch to someone you scarcely know could end up being an exercise in futility.

A more promising strategy involves researching the person you wish to connect with and then politely asking for a favor — no matter how small.

This approach, known as the foot-in-the-door technique, allows us to establish connections beyond our personal circles and encourages reciprocal exchanges of favors, both small and significant.

Interestingly, this technique parallels the "Benjamin Franklin Effect". The tale goes that in a bid to win over a legislator in the late 1700s, Franklin asked to borrow a book from him. Upon returning it, he included a note of gratitude for the favor.

This small act sparked a connection, leading to a mutual exchange of favors and eventually culminating in friendship. Much like Franklin, reaching out to your weak ties with meaningful intent can pave the way for invaluable relationships and opportunities.

The perceived abundance of options for 20-somethings isn't as wide as it seems — and that's beneficial

Life in your twenties can often feel like being in a candy store with countless varieties to choose from. The belief that they can do anything and everything tends to spark not excitement but a sense of overwhelming dread among many twentysomethings.

Thankfully, in reality, their options aren't as limitless as they may seem. A surplus of choices can lead to decision paralysis, often resulting in indecision.

This was demonstrated in a renowned study which found that supermarkets offering a wider variety of jams attracted more foot traffic than those with fewer choices. Surprisingly, these bustling stores witnessed fewer sales compared to their counterparts which offered fewer options.

Every 20-something needs to understand that their choices, while numerous, aren't infinite. Breaking down and defining these options can help alleviate feelings of overwhelm.

However, the paralysis that many twentysomethings experience isn't just due to the perceived excess of choices.

More often than not, we are already aware of our true desires. Yet, many of us lose touch with these dreams and goals, resulting in what's referred to as the 'unthought known'.

Why do we let our dreams fade into oblivion? Primarily, because the fear of not knowing how to achieve them can be intimidating.

Not knowing what you want to do with your life is far less daunting than knowing exactly what you aspire to — like becoming a politician — without having a roadmap to get there.

This fear is what often holds twentysomethings back from making a firm decision and following through on it. Instead of taking initial steps towards their ultimate goal, they counter this fear by side-tracking their true purpose and pursuing an entirely different objective.

Career planning is vital, but cultivating relationships is just as crucial

Recall the number of times you received guidance in school or university, or from parents or mentors, about shaping your career. Now compare this with the advice you received about nurturing future relationships.

You'll probably notice a stark imbalance, with a bounty of career guidance but very little to steer your relational course.

Ironically, we often find our life partner much earlier than we carve out a career.

In fact, the US has one of the highest marriage rates in the Western world, with approximately 50% of its citizens tying the knot by age 30, and around 75% doing so by 35. Moreover, the majority of 20-somethings are expected to be either married to or dating their future partner within the next decade.

Once you've committed to a life partner, your lives become intricately interwoven. From sharing finances and mortgages to the responsibility of raising children — your decisions impact each other profoundly.

Unlike a job, walking away from a marriage is not as simple. Even following a divorce, the ties that bound you remain intact in one form or another.

Therefore, it's paramount to exercise caution while choosing a life partner. You need to have a clear vision of what you expect from your future and understand the compromises you're willing to make.

Despite the pressing need for relationship guidance, career advice often overshadows it. Whether through consultants, college career advisors, or private tutors, professional career help is readily accessible. These resources teach us that career paths can be revised, and there's always the option to embark on something new.

If only we had such support when deciding on our life partners! This decision, undoubtedly more impactful and life-altering, often leaves us fumbling in the dark due to the lack of assistance.

Delaying marriage doesn't guarantee a better relationship

Does the idea of tying the knot at 26 sound premature to you?

A rising trend among young people today is to marry later in life. While previous generations often got hitched in their twenties, today's youth believe that biding time can lend them enough experience to make a well-informed choice when choosing their life partner.

However, postponing marriage until you are older doesn't necessarily shield you from divorce. Although the average age at marriage has seen an upward climb, the divorce rate remains unaltered at around 40 percent. Interestingly, while teenage marriages are more prone to end in a split, the chances of maintaining a stable marriage are the same whether you marry at 25 or 35.

Additionally, if you decide to wait until you cross your mid-30s to marry, indulging instead in a string of low-commitment relationships, it could hinder your chances of finding lasting love.

The reason? A looming fear of the 'Age Thirty Deadline' — often voiced as the anxiety-ridden sentiment, "I better not be alone by 30!"

In their 20s, many individuals either focus on enjoying life or believe they're too young to desire a serious relationship. However, once they hit their 30s, the urgency to marry and start a family intensifies.

As a consequence, some end up marrying around this age, not because they've found their ideal partner, but due to the pressure of time ticking away, which can lead to less-than-ideal pairings.

But what about cohabitation as a trial run before marrying?

Surprisingly, it doesn't pan out as expected.

Around two-thirds of 20-somethings believe that living together before marriage can ward off divorce.

However, this belief is a fallacy. Couples who opt to live together before marriage often end up less satisfied with their marital life compared to couples who skip this 'trial period'. They also have higher divorce rates, a phenomenon in sociology known as the 'cohabitation effect'.

Why does this happen? It's primarily because cohabitation often morphs into marriage casually rather than it being an active, deliberate choice.

Your twenties are a time for self-discovery and understanding relationship preferences

Many individuals in their twenties view dating as an amusing pastime. The threshold for choosing a date often hangs on physical attractiveness, with little consideration given to long-term compatibility.

While this carefree dating can provide momentary joy and gratification, it doesn't pave the path toward a fulfilling, serious relationship.

Hence, twentysomethings would fare better if they viewed dating as a window of opportunity to discern the traits they value in a potential partner.

As your dating experiences accumulate, you might observe a pattern — you are generally drawn to people whose characteristics mirror yours.

But here's a word of caution: don't confine yourself to superficial similarities, such as religion or hometown. Overlooking deeper personality traits can lead to unfulfilling relationships.

There are various personality dimensions to consider, such as openness — your propensity for routines or new experiences, and extraversion — whether you're communicative or reserved. When partners align on these personality facets, they're likely to be a good match.

However, when it comes to selecting a life partner, one factor trumps all: a shared vision of life.

Throughout the course of a marriage, each person evolves, and their needs change. When disparities in these needs surface, conflicts can arise, potentially threatening the marriage.

But these differences need not be deal-breakers. If a couple is willing to make compromises and harbor a common vision, they can bridge the gaps. For instance, if one partner enjoys outdoor adventures while the other prefers cultural events, it needn't become an issue. They could manage their shared life in a way that allows for both interests — enriching their shared vision.

Having explored how relationships in our twenties shape our lives, let's delve into two other significant influences: our brains and bodies.

Your brain hits its stride between the ages of 20 and 30

"Should I lay down roots or continue riding the wave of youth and spontaneity?"

As they navigate their twenties, young adults often grapple with decision-making, beleaguered by a sense of uncertainty. But how can they improve their decision-making prowess?

The answer lies in practice.

The section of the human brain responsible for managing uncertainty and contemplation of the future — the frontal lobe — is the final segment to mature, achieving full development between the ages of 20 and 30. However, this brain region doesn't only evolve with age; it also thrives on exercise and stimulation.

The best way to master managing ambiguity and making critical decisions — such as, "Which career path should I embark on?" or "Should I relocate for this job opportunity?" — is by diving headfirst into these experiences as early as possible. Delaying these decisions, simply to dodge confronting uncertainty, only serves to hamper our capability to tackle it.

The two stages of life when we encounter the most learning opportunities are during childhood and our twenties. Our brain's capacity for learning gets a significant boost during the latter stage, aiding in the acquisition of skills we'll require in the future — like learning to interact professionally in a workplace.

Your twenties offer the optimal period for experimentation, for your brain will never again be as receptive to new learning experiences.

And those who expose themselves to a wide array of experiences and make numerous decisions will witness the most considerable expansion of their mental capabilities.

The twenties are ripe with opportunities for such enriching experiences — through jobs, academic pursuits, and more. Therefore, twentysomethings should seize every opportunity, take risks, and make significant decisions. Failing to do so could put them at a disadvantage for the rest of their lives.

Mastering emotional regulation and fostering a growth mindset paves the way to success

In our twenties, it's common to be plagued by negative emotions, such as diminished self-esteem and the terror of failure. These feelings can be paralyzing, often serving as roadblocks on our path to success.

Twentysomethings' brains tend to react more intensely to unfavorable information than those of older individuals. This is primarily because during this decade, the emotional region of the brain matures faster than the rational part, which is the frontal lobe.

However, while these emotions are a normal part of life, it's crucial to remain aware of them and keep them in check.

Chronic worrying escalates cortisol, the stress hormone, and can steer us toward depressive thoughts. On the other hand, people who master control over their emotions often report enhanced life satisfaction and healthier relationships.

So how can one harness their emotions? A practical approach is to train yourself to identify when emotions are taking the driver's seat. Once recognized, analyze the situation realistically to assess its gravity. Spilled coffee may not warrant a meltdown, but losing a dream job opportunity might justify some emotional turmoil.

Another stumbling block for many in their twenties is the belief that they already possess all the skills necessary to reach their goals. This belief — referred to as a fixed mindset — can trigger immense distress. For instance, research shows that college students with a fixed mindset often fail to exert the effort required to devise new strategies when faced with unfamiliar challenges.

Conversely, adopting a growth mindset — the conviction that success necessitates hard work and the acquisition of new skills — empowers you to confront challenges head-on and overcome hurdles.

Those with a growth mindset are open to learning and aren't intimidated by tasks that require strenuous effort. Consequently, these individuals amass considerable confidence and career prospects.

Delaying parenthood can lead to unexpected challenges

For many women in their twenties, the idea of conceiving and raising a child stirs a whirlwind of emotions — a mix of anticipation and fear. The usual indecision around career paths and romantic relationships intensifies significantly when it comes to deciding whether it's the appropriate time to start a family.

Regardless, it's crucial not to procrastinate on this decision for too long.

A woman's fertility hits its zenith during her late twenties. Once she crosses thirty, the quality of her eggs deteriorates rapidly, and her body's capability to handle pregnancy decreases.

Therefore, if you delay pregnancy excessively, you might find yourself relying on costly fertility treatments that don't always guarantee success.

Moreover, attempting to conceive under duress can heighten anxiety and stress levels, jeopardizing the health of your marriage, pregnancy, and even early parenthood.

Generally, postponing marriage and parenthood tends to introduce more stress into life.

For example, you might delay these life-altering decisions to such an extent that once you tie the knot, you feel obligated to conceive as soon as possible. This pressure inevitably leads to strain in the relationship, despite a robust shared vision. Marrying at 35 and then rushing to have two children consecutively to avoid fertility treatments can put an unsustainable stress on a marriage.

Lastly, if it becomes standard to have children between 35 and 40, parents could find themselves juggling care for toddlers and elderly parents simultaneously. As grandparents age, they might not be in a position to assist with child-rearing, requiring care themselves. This scenario undoubtedly presents a significant challenge and introduces considerable stress.

While most women understand the physical and financial constraints that late pregnancy imposes, they should also consider the potential strain on their relationships and the long-term consequences for their entire family.

In a nutshell

The pivotal takeaway from this book:

Thirty is not an extension of your twenties. While enjoying life is essential, your twenties should also serve as the foundation for career growth and finding a compatible partner. After thirty, these pursuits become notably more complex. Even the seemingly insignificant experiences in our twenties can profoundly shape the trajectory of our lives.