The Mastery of Love - Book Summary

Uncover the wisdom for directing your life's relationships.

Take a moment to consider the Toltecs, an ancient Mesoamerican civilization. They had a profound belief — that the universe around us is nothing but a dream.

In their philosophy, each individual is the dreamer of their own personal dream. However, they noticed a tragic reality — the majority of people inhabit a rather grim dream — a dream they termed as the "dream of hell". This dream is steeped in pain, terror, violence, and injustice.

The fundamental learning of this dream is to become a commander of adverse emotions. For instance, as young ones, we quickly pick up that exhibiting anger can potentially aid us in getting what we desire. Thus, we repeatedly resort to anger until we become adept at it.

Following the same path, we master other emotions like jealousy, sorrow and so on — until eventually, these feelings start dictating our lives and ruling over our relationships.

Yet, this does not have to be the ultimate dream. We hold the capacity to pivot and learn to master love instead. Let this summary act as your compass in this transformative journey.

In this engaging narration, you will discover:

The manner in which an emotional contagion affects us all;

The reasons why your pet dog is truly the perfect dog; and

The exact kind of scalpel you would require to mend your emotional wounds.

Please note, this narrative touches upon the topic of sexual violence in Section 8. Proceed with discretion while going through it.

Our emotional scars start forming in our early years.

Picture a world where all inhabitants are inflicted by the same relentless illness. Their skin festers with open, painful, infected wounds. This devastating disease surfaces when individuals are around three or four, yet, shockingly, everyone accepts it as an absolutely normal part of life.

Does this sound horrifying? This, in essence, mirrors the present condition of humankind. While people's skin may not literally be riddled with wounds, their minds — referred to by Don Miguel as the "emotional body" — certainly are. These mental wounds are infected by an insidious emotional toxin, fear. Every other negative emotion — anger, sorrow, envy and so on — arises from this base emotion of fear.

At the time of birth, children are devoid of this emotional toxin. But, unfortunately, it doesn't take long for the poison to seep in.

The core insight here is: Our emotional scars start forming in our early years.

Our emotional wounds start surfacing when we're around three or four years old. Prior to that, we're in a state of pristine mental health. Two- and three-year-old kids are uninhibited in their expression of love — their days are spent in the joyous activities of laughter and play. Indeed, they do react when they experience pain or encounter something unfavorable. But it's typically a matter of moments before they resume their play.

This, in truth, is the authentic, healthy state of the human mind. However, as children grow, they start imbibing lessons from adults, who, unfortunately, have been contaminated by the emotional toxin for a long time. They learn to dread punishment and pursue rewards. They develop fears of non-acceptance, or fears of not being good enough. All these fears constitute the emotional toxin.

As a consequence of these emotions, children start constructing their own image based on what they perceive others expect from them. They project different images at school, home, and eventually, at the workplace. Then, when any of these images are inevitably confronted, they experience intense pain.

Let's consider an example: A teenage boy identifies himself as being highly intelligent. One day, he takes part in a debate competition and underperforms compared to his peer. All of a sudden, he feels stupid and worthless. His pain stems from the disparity between his internal self-perception and the image he was attempting to portray.

Each of us constructs these sorts of relationships between ourselves and the world during our childhood — these relationships then go on to govern the rest of our lives, causing us immense suffering.

Our relationships suffer under the burden of emotional toxin.

Travel back in time to your early childhood. Picture yourself, a toddler, engrossed in play in your living room. You come across your dad's guitar and begin exploring it with excitement.

Suddenly, your dad returns home from work, sees you with his guitar, and gets angry — having had a rough day at the office. He even ends up punishing you.

In your young mind, the guitar was nothing more than an intriguing toy and your dad's reaction is perceived as a grave injustice. This man, whom you trusted implicitly and looked upon for protection, is now the source of your pain. Unwittingly, you start fostering a bit of fear towards your father. Gradually, you understand that expressing your desires freely could prove unsafe, and you retreat into shyness.

Here's the core insight: Emotional toxin is the root cause of unhealthy and abusive relationships.

As we grow older, our store of emotional toxin keeps piling up in response to perceived injustices. Once we're filled to the brim with this emotional toxin, we feel the pressing need to unload it. And how do we typically achieve this? By trying to transfer our emotional toxin onto others.

Let's consider a couple. The wife has accumulated a substantial amount of emotional toxin from an injustice she believes her husband has inflicted upon her. The next time she encounters her husband, she instantly starts berating him. She accuses him of being horrible, stupid, and unjust. Naturally, he reacts with anger, while she starts feeling better, having successfully transferred her toxin onto him. But now the husband is carrying his own emotional toxin along with his wife's. They keep bouncing it back and forth, and over time, the overall volume of emotional toxin escalates.

In certain cases, this compulsive need to offload emotional toxin ends up sparking abusive relationships. Imagine a person who has received his emotional toxin from someone vastly more powerful than him, making it hard for him to transfer it back. He then seeks out someone weaker or more vulnerable, onto whom he can transfer this toxin.

Abusers are often individuals whose emotional bodies are unwell, overwhelmed with emotional toxin, which makes them act out. We can't cleanse others of their emotional toxin, but we can certainly start managing our own by recognizing its presence. Acknowledge the toxin within you and around you — that's the first step towards overcoming it.

Happiness relies solely on you, not others.

Imagine a man who resolutely didn't believe in love. He propagated the view that love was nothing more than a highly addictive drug — it could elicit incredible feelings of joy, but it was dangerously addictive. In order to secure your daily fix, you might turn controlling and possessive of the person you're dependent on for this "love drug."

One fine day, while strolling in the park, the man encountered a woman, in tears. She confessed that her despair stemmed from her belief that love didn't exist. The man, well-acquainted with her sorrow, comforted her, and they quickly became the best of friends.

Whenever the man and woman were together, they experienced boundless happiness. There was no trace of envy, jealousy, or possessiveness between them, and neither felt accountable for the other's happiness.

The core insight here is: Happiness is dependent solely on you, not others.

One evening, the man experienced what he perceived as a miraculous event. As he was gazing at the stars, the most brilliant one descended and fell into his hands. As he held it, the star merged with his body.

Excitedly, he rushed to the woman and placed the star in her hands as a testament to his love for her. However, the woman experienced a fleeting moment of doubt. She let go of the star; it fell and shattered. Today, the man and woman remain distant from each other. The man continues to claim that love doesn't exist, while the woman mourns the loss of the star that slipped through her fingers.

Let's ponder over what transpired with this couple. Who truly made the mistake? It wasn't the woman — it was, in fact, the man, who assumed he could give his star to the woman. The star symbolized his happiness, and by offering it to her, he was essentially trying to make her responsible for his happiness.

In real life, we might not exchange stars, but we certainly exchange wedding rings. This act embodies our expectation that our partner will be responsible for our happiness, and vice versa. But this is a misguided dream, as we can never fully comprehend our partner's thoughts, expectations, or aspirations. This implies that, inevitably, our partner will fall short of our expectations and shatter our happiness.

In the grand scheme of things, the onus of your happiness lies squarely on you. Let's delve deeper into this crucial understanding in the next summary.

Relationships are steered either by love or fear.

Every relationship in your life involves just two people — you and the other individual. Each of you is accountable for your respective half of the relationship.

Regrettably, people often behave as though they're liable for the other person's half as well as their own. They attempt to manipulate their partner's actions, instructing them on what to do or avoid. But if you engage in this struggle for control, it's not love for your partner that's driving you; it's purely self-interest — with fear pulling the strings.

Indeed, our relationships can be envisioned as navigating one of two paths: the path of love or the path of fear. Most people's relationships are set on the path of fear; what we need to do is consciously select the path of love.

The key insight is: Relationships are steered either by love or fear.

What characterizes the path of fear? Two main things: obligations and expectations.

On the path of fear, everything is done out of a sense of duty. But whenever we feel obligated to do something, we start to resist and resent that task. Inevitably, this causes us distress — and then we attempt to avoid it.

Simultaneously, on the path of fear, we also carry expectations of others. When these people fail to meet their obligations, we feel hurt. We believe it's unjust, and we start to fault them. As you can see, expectations are a surefire recipe for suffering.

Contrastingly, on the path of love, there are no obligations or expectations whatsoever. We simply do the things we want to do — and the same applies to others. You don't interpret another person's actions — or lack thereof — as a personal affront to you. Consequently, they can't inflict pain on you.

To truly master a relationship, you must be cognizant of these two paths. Armed with this awareness, you'll be able to identify when you're on the path of fear — and switch to the path of love.

By repeatedly practicing this shift, you'll be able to master your part in every relationship. You'll no longer feel compelled to control your partner because you'll realize that you're only responsible for your own part. You'll be free to share, revel in, and create together.

Opt for a partner you don't wish to alter in any way.

Do you have a pet, like a dog or a cat? If so, think about your bond with it. Your pet — let's assume it's a dog — perhaps waits eagerly for your return home each day. When you arrive, it responds with excited barks or a wagging tail. It flawlessly manages its part of the relationship — simply being a dog — and you love your dog unconditionally. You believe it's the perfect dog, and you have no desire to change it into something it's not.

So why is it that when you're involved with a human partner, you attempt to reshape them into someone they're not? Much like your dog, every individual is already perfect as they are. The only caveat is that some people might not be the perfect fit for you — and that's entirely fine.

The central insight here is: Opt for a partner you don't wish to alter in any way.

It's not always straightforward to find someone you don't feel the urge to change. But making that effort is absolutely vital.

The first step to finding the right person is to gain a precise understanding of what you desire. You need to have a clear awareness of all your physical and emotional needs — and you must be brutally honest with yourself about those needs.

Picture yourself in a marketplace, intending to "sell" yourself. To achieve that, you need to display your true personality to others. While at the market, you're also planning to "purchase" another individual. If the person doesn't meet all your specifications, you don't invest in them. Be mindful not to deceive yourself; many people convince themselves that a particular "product" meets their needs when they deep down know it doesn't.

But what happens if you're already committed to a relationship? If your troubles don't involve abuse, you can choose to keep the relationship going. How? By first accepting and loving yourself as you are, allowing you to express your authentic self. Subsequently, you can also accept and love your partner just as they are.

If the relationship continues to falter, parting ways can actually benefit both you and your partner. Staying in a dysfunctional relationship is inherently selfish because it hinders your partner from finding what they truly want. Someone else will be capable of loving your partner just as they are — even if you can't.

To nurture healthy relationships, start with self-love.

Imagine this scene: You're on a date with the person you've been dreaming about, and you've mustered the courage to express your love to her. You finally get the words out, only for her to respond with: "Well, I don't love you."

Her response likely inflicts considerable pain on you. She's rejected you, leading you to start rejecting yourself as well. But is that really the most reasonable reaction?

Just because one individual doesn't reciprocate your feelings doesn't mean that another won't. Furthermore, your self-worth should never hinge on others' affection towards you! Instead, turn your attention towards the most beautiful and crucial relationship you can cultivate: the relationship with yourself.

So, the core insight is: To nurture healthy relationships, start with self-love.

Our beliefs often obstruct our path to self-love. Let's take beauty as an example. Beauty is a belief we hold about something's quality. It doesn't reflect the actual nature of that thing; it's merely a construct implanted in us to segregate the "good" from the "bad". In truth, everything that exists is already perfect and beautiful.

You probably have a personal set of beliefs about your beauty, which can be a source of immeasurable suffering. If you've convinced yourself that you're not beautiful, you may accept mistreatment from someone who convinces you otherwise. You may allow them to manipulate you in exchange for compliments because you falsely believe that you need their validation to feel content. The truth is, all you need is self-love. You are already beautiful!

A daily puja — a ritual — can greatly enhance self-love. In India, pujas are performed to honor deities, during which they place flowers near an idol. But you can perform a puja for your own body. For instance, when you eat, chew your food very slowly. Take a bite, close your eyes, and envision the food as an offering to the temple that is your body. With regular practice, your love for your body will steadily intensify.

Self-love and self-acceptance are paramount because, with them, you begin to live life differently. You won't tolerate abuse — from others or yourself. You'll naturally draw people who have learned to accept themselves, just as you have.

Embrace your sexuality by aligning physical and emotional needs.

Our bodies are essentially biological entities, naturally inclined towards sexual activities. However, our minds, plagued with a plethora of misconceptions and untruths about sex, complicate this natural process. We are fed standards for how men and women should behave sexually, what their bodies should look like, and what actions make them truly masculine or feminine.

As a result of these fallacies, we may find ourselves unable to enjoy sex, viewing it as sinful or wicked, or feeling guilt over our sexual desires. To realize that none of these beliefs hold any truth, we need to acknowledge and reconcile the differences between our physical and emotional needs. When these aspects are in conflict, we grapple with internal turmoil regarding sex.

Thus, the central insight is: Embrace your sexuality by aligning physical and emotional needs.

Suppose you grew up in a Catholic household where you were taught that sex before marriage is immoral. So, you get married, but one day you see an attractive man on the street and feel sexually drawn to him. You instantly judge yourself for these feelings, believing they make you a horrendous person, and try to suppress them — only to watch them grow more potent. Eventually, you end up cheating on your spouse.

But what if you never criticized yourself for those feelings? If you dismissed the judgment and understood that it's merely a physical need your body has, you might have quickly forgotten your attraction to the stranger.

The problem here is — while your body has needs, your mind controls how you perceive them.

Take the need to cover your body as an example. Your body needs protection against the heat, wind, and cold. However, you can have a closet bursting with clothes and still think, "I have nothing to wear". Your mind invents these unsolvable needs.

So, what's the solution? Stop conflating your body's needs with your mind's. Acknowledge, for instance, that your body's desire for sex isn't wicked — it's absolutely normal. Gradually, you'll understand that you're neither your body nor your mind. Instead, you're life itself — a force shared with everything else in the universe.

Use truth, forgiveness, and self-love to mend emotional wounds.

Imagine a doctor treating an infected wound. Typically, she'd start by incising it with a scalpel. Then, she'd cleanse it, apply medication, and instruct you to keep it clean during the healing process.

When it comes to mending our emotional wounds, the process mirrors the above. Here, truth serves as the scalpel, allowing us to expose and dispel the lies. Then, we detoxify the wounds with forgiveness. Finally, we maintain cleanliness until complete healing is achieved — with love.

In essence: Use truth, forgiveness, and self-love to mend emotional wounds.

In a world teeming with deceit and illusions, finding the truth can be a daunting task. Moreover, the truth is often unsettling. Take this example, for instance:

Suppose you were raped ten years ago. While it's undeniably true that you were raped then, it's not a reality anymore. You may still suffer from the trauma of the incident, perhaps necessitating years of therapy to recuperate. However, the injustice that's causing you pain presently is no longer a truth.

This illustrates how you can wield truth like a scalpel to dissect your emotional wounds and perceive them from a new angle. Having done that, you can begin to eliminate the toxicity with forgiveness.

Forgiveness might be challenging, but it's crucial. You need to forgive everyone who has ever caused you pain — not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve freedom from the torment of their past actions.

Begin by listing everyone from whom you seek forgiveness. Reach out and ask for it. If that's not feasible, ask for their forgiveness in your prayers. Next, note down all those who've hurt you — and then forgive them. It will take time, it won't be easy — but remember, whatever they did wasn't your fault. It was a repercussion of their emotional toxicity.

Lastly, maintain cleanliness in your emotional wounds with love. Make it a habit to see everything around you through the lens of love, appreciating the beauty in everything. This will transform you into a master of love, which will inspire others to follow suit — eventually liberating the whole world from emotional toxicity.

Closing thoughts

Here's the core message to take away:

Each one of us carries emotional scars, brimming with emotional toxins. These wounds influence the way we interact with each other, often resulting in relationships marred by dependence, envy, and possessiveness. We're in charge of curing our emotional scars using a blend of truth, forgiveness, and self-love. When we accomplish this, we can cultivate relationships where we unconditionally accept and love one another.