The Relationship Cure - Book Summary

Diving into the maze of human relationships — a one-stop solution

In the labyrinth of life, relationships form the most complex section. Whether it's your spouse or partner, the camaraderie with your buddies, the professional connection with colleagues, the bond with your family, or the nurturing relationship with your children — they all come in a myriad of shades and sizes. Naturally, the idea of a one-size-fits-all remedy to all these distinct relationship issues may sound fantastical.

True enough, relationships aren't riddles that can be solved with a magic pill. However, there's a basket of universal strategies that can come to your aid, enabling you to navigate the tumultuous seas of relationships with flair.

Admittedly, the application of these strategies needs to be tailor-made, suiting the specific contexts and challenges posed by different relationships. But, the foundational principles remain consistent and are based on scientifically backed theories that you're on the brink of exploring.

As you embark on this journey, brace yourself to—

Decipher the covert messages nestled within our quotidian communication routines.

Master the art of response to these messages for enhancing relationship intimacy.

Gain insights into one of the author's social experiments, intriguingly named — the "Love Lab".

Unraveling the secret ingredient of strong, healthy relationships

What is the magical formula that transforms any random relationship into a deeply connected, fulfilling bond?

If you, like many others, believe it's about having the courage to share your most intimate emotions, experiences, and thoughts, you're in good company. This was a widespread belief among psychologists, including one of the authors, during the early '90s. However, certain research findings blew away this assumption and shook the very foundations of traditional psychological beliefs.

The narrative takes an intriguing turn at this point: Unearthing close relationships doesn't necessitate a simple "heart-to-heart" revelation.

The chronicle begins in 1990, when Dr. John Gottman and his team at the University of Washington established an unconventional research facility, fondly named "the Love Lab". The interiors of this center closely resembled a typical studio apartment, complete with a kitchen, TV, dining space, pull-down bed, and a charming view of a waterfront canal. Over the subsequent year, they invited 60 married couples to spend a weekend at this cozy nook, with a clear directive: live a normal life.

But there was a catch. The apartment housed four hidden cameras and a two-way mirror, ensuring uninterrupted observation of the couples for 12 hours every day. Moreover, the participants were equipped with microphones and body sensors to monitor stress indicators, such as sweat levels or heart rate.

Having accumulated hundreds of hours of video data portraying the couples' ordinary interactions, Dr. Gottman was hopeful of detecting instances of partners exposing their deepest selves. Surprisingly, such occurrences, termed "self-disclosure" by psychologists, were rare. Instead, the dialogue was peppered with innocuous exchanges, such as:

"Could you pass me a coffee, love?"

"Yes, sweetheart."

Or:

"Hey, have a look at this comic strip!"

"Shush, I am trying to read."

Given the humdrum content, Dr. Gottman initially feared the entire experiment had been futile. However, a few months into analyzing the footage, he stumbled upon a revelation. The secret to forging deep relationships was not in the conversation's content but in its delivery. The magic was hidden in the most mundane conversations and this discovery held true for all relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Interweaving emotions through "bids": the building blocks of connection

Imagine a wife politely asking her husband to fetch a coffee. This request, at first glance, doesn't seem like a pivotal moment in relationship dynamics. Now, let's assume the husband answers with a gentle "Sure, honey," creating a sense of warm, familial harmony. However, if he retaliates with a curt "Fetch it yourself," the air gets charged with discord, hinting at potential relationship cracks.

This contrast illustrates the concept of a "bid" and how its response can sway the emotional climate in a relationship.

Hold on to this thought: Bids are the elemental units that transmit emotional communication.

As per the authors, a bid is any conscious or unconscious attempt at fostering an emotional bond through verbal or nonverbal communication. It might take the form of an inquisitive remark such as "Did you watch the game last night?" It could be an exclamation, like "Incredible sunset, isn't it?" Even a simple smile, a gesture like offering a chair, can represent a bid.

Irrespective of its form and literal meaning, the underlying sentiment of a bid remains consistent— "I yearn to connect with you." The person at the receiving end can react in one of three ways: they can turn towards the bid, turn away from it, or turn against it.

Picture this: You stumble upon an engaging news article and decide to share it with your friend. You initiate the conversation with "Hey, have a look at this". That's your bid. Now suppose your friend sets his phone aside and enthusiastically inquires "What is it about?" That's a positive response, a gesture of turning towards your bid.

On the contrary, if your friend continues to be absorbed in his phone or tries to divert the topic by saying something like "Do you know the time?", he is intentionally ignoring or deflecting your bid—turning away from it.

Imagine a more drastic situation where your friend retorts with "Can't you see I'm busy right now?" — this is a classic example of turning against the bid.

Dr. Gottman's research reveals that these subtle bids and the three categories of responses form the foundational elements of emotional connection and communication. As we will explore, these seemingly ordinary exchanges of bids and responses can significantly influence the quality of your relationships.

Uncovering the veiled messages within bids

"Having a good day? Got plans for tonight?" These questions seem quite ordinary, even bordering on small talk. Yet, when seen as bids aiming to foster an emotional bond, their profound impact on strengthening or weakening relationships becomes apparent.

These innocuous questions gain prominence due to their inherent depth.

Let's consider a scenario involving a couple, Mary and Jeff. They're seated on their living room couch when Mary turns to Jeff and remarks, "Feels a bit chilly in here, right?" This is her bid.

Get this into your head: Bids often carry hidden messages.

To unlock this hidden message, we need to peek beneath the surface of this straightforward interaction.

See, Mary's comment isn't just about expressing her feeling of being cold or gauging Jeff's agreement on the room temperature. There's an underlying motive: Mary wishes for a cuddle from Jeff. In essence, she's coaxing Jeff to draw closer to her—both physically and emotionally.

Now, you might ask, why doesn't she simply say, "Hey, Jeff, I need a cuddle"? Occasionally, we do make such explicit bids. But more often, we veil our bids in subtlety and vagueness—and for good reason. By framing her desire for physical affection as an observation about the ambient temperature, Mary safeguards herself against the blow of possible rejection. Imagine if she explicitly asks for a cuddle, and Jeff responds curtly with, "No, not in the mood right now." That's bound to sting.

On the flip side, if he reacts by passing her a blanket, she might not get what she genuinely wanted, but at least she receives a positive response—surely, that's better than blatant rejection.

Mary's vague bid also provides Jeff a smooth way to decline her proposal. Even if he can guess her hidden desire for a cuddle, he can escape the awkwardness of saying no by taking her words literally and responding in kind.

In other words, the indistinct nature of our bids serves a purpose—it's a feature, not a glitch, and is often beneficial. However, this lack of clarity can also pave the way for potential misunderstandings, as we'll explore in the next section.

Interpreting the concealed cues within bids requires tactful responses

So far, we've looked at fairly direct bids where the hidden messages aren't too tough to decipher. For instance, interpreting the subtle signals behind statements like "It's a bit nippy in here, isn't it?" doesn't demand a deep psychological understanding. The concealed messages are barely concealed.

If all bids were this uncomplicated, charting the course of relationships would be a breeze. However, in real life, bids can often pose a challenge to respond appropriately. At times, they don't even appear as bids.

Remember this: Decoding the covert messages in bids can be tricky, so it's essential to respond thoughtfully.

Everyone has a reservoir of emotions and desires that they struggle to articulate— at least in a constructive manner. And if we're uncertain about our feelings, it's reasonable to assume that we'd find it difficult to convey them to others.

Take the example of a child who throws a fit because her dad won't buy her a new toy. The tantrum might seem like an outburst of anger over not getting her way, but it could actually be a bid for her father's comfort.

Or consider a husband asking his wife a loaded question — "Why don't you ever ring me when you're at work?" It's not just an accusation; it's a bid for increased communication. While the bid is poorly articulated, it's still a bid.

When emotions like sadness, anger, or fear come into play, people's bids may masquerade as complaints, criticisms, or laments, making them hard to identify and react to. The trick is to remember this and aim to look beyond the surface of the words being spoken.

Imagine if you're the father or wife in the aforementioned examples. Rather than retorting defensively about why you can't buy the toy, embrace the child and acknowledge her unfulfilled need for comfort. Instead of grumbling about being swamped with work and not having time for personal calls, arrange a dedicated time to briefly catch up with your spouse and acknowledge his desire for communication.

By focusing on the underlying bid, you're likely to respond in a way that fosters connections— turning towards the bid, instead of turning away from or against it.

Recognizing the source of bids can lead to a deeper understanding

Bids, as we've discovered, are often convoluted expressions of unfulfilled emotional needs and desires, which might not even be clear to the person making the bid. Maybe having a doctorate in psychology wouldn't be such a bad idea after all!

However, you don't need to dive into an advanced degree program to significantly improve your understanding of people's bids. All you need is to gain a better grasp of their emotional temperament.

Here's one way to do that:

Bear this in mind: Recognizing the source of people's bids can lead to a deeper understanding of their intent.

Have you ever quarreled with someone and felt like you were actually disputing with a third person who wasn't even present? That was the case with Rick and Sarah, a couple that sought therapy from Dr. Gottman.

Rick's mother abandoned him as a child, leaving him in the care of his grandmother. His grandmother, resentful of the responsibility, frequently demeaned him and called him worthless. This toxic upbringing severely impacted Rick's self-esteem, which in turn, started to strain his relationship with Sarah.

Whenever Sarah complained about his behavior, Rick would hear echoes of his grandmother's critical voice. When Sarah got upset with him for switching on the television rather than engaging in conversation, Rick didn't hear her displeasure at his choice or her desire for his attention— instead, he heard an echo of the scathing criticism, "You can't do anything right!"

Sarah, being one among seven siblings in a financially strapped family, was raised to suppress her personal needs. This habit infiltrated her relationship with Rick—after bottling up her frustrations for a week or two, she would eventually burst out in complaints. With the television incident, her true desire was to establish a closer connection with Rick, but unfortunately, her expression came across as accusatory and bitter.

Like Rick and Sarah, we all haul the baggage from our past relationships into our present lives. This is what the authors refer to as our "emotional heritage", and it influences our interactions with others, often unconsciously. Consequently, the more you know about someone's history, the deeper your understanding of their perspective, and the better equipped you are to interpret their bids.

Reflect on the root of your bids and express them through gentle language

Before we continue, let's review what we've covered. We've established that simple interactions often serve as bids for emotional connection. These bids often carry hidden signals, the interpretations of which are influenced by an individual's emotional heritage and past relationships.

Remembering these key insights and making an effort to better understand your loved ones can significantly improve your ability to respond to their bids constructively.

However, this doesn't imply that you should disregard the manner in which you make your own bids, hoping others will decode your hidden messages. There are steps you can take to make yourself more readily understood, while meeting your emotional needs— a win-win scenario for everyone!

Remember this: Reflect on the root of your bids and express them through gentle language.

It's beneficial to have a clear understanding of your wants when striving for something in life, and this principle holds for bids too. The next time you find yourself on the verge of an argument or a complaint, pause and question: What's the unmet emotional need here?

Often, these needs stem from basic human urges, such as the desire for safety for you and your loved ones. For instance, a wife expressing skepticism about her husband's choice to buy a firearm for the house might actually be expressing her anxiety about the potential risks if one of their children found the weapon.

In such a situation, instead of stating outright that guns are dangerous, she should voice her fears. This shift turns the conversation away from a heated dispute about the right to bear arms and towards addressing her concerns and seeking a compromise, like securing the firearm in a lockbox.

Gentle language can also render a bid more appealing. For example, one of the authors found himself waiting for dinner with his family, while his wife was still working in the basement. He yelled out, "Hey, Julie, stop working! It's family time!" Unsurprisingly, Julie felt targeted and criticized and defensively retorted, "I can't! I've got to get this done!"

Instead, the author could have made his bid more appealing by saying, "Hey, Julie, we miss you! Join us for dinner as soon as you can." Can you imagine how much more positive Julie's response would have been?

Nailing your first bid and reaction opens up more opportunities for connection

The initial bid and the response to it, which spark off the preliminary stages of emotional communication between two individuals, can be likened to the first few moves in a friendly game of chess. Consider these moves the opening and countermove. If either player fumbles their first move, the game may abruptly end. However, if they get it right, the match is just heating up.

Take this to heart: Nailing your first bid and reaction opens up more opportunities for connection.

To illuminate this concept, let's walk through a scenario of emotional communication at work. Imagine two coworkers, Jim and Linda, at their office. Jim walks over to Linda's desk and initiates a bid, asking, "Do you have any plans for lunch?"

Linda responds that she's packed a lunch from home and plans to eat outside. Recognizing the underlying signal in Jim's bid, she reciprocates it. "Would you like to join me?" she offers.

"Sure," replies Jim, and then he ups the ante: "I'm going to grab a drink from the vending machine. Would you like something?"

"Yes, perhaps a Coke," Linda responds, once again reciprocating Jim's bid. "Oh, and I'll bring out those photos I mentioned earlier. I'd love to share them with you!"

"Awesome!" exclaims Jim, "I'm excited to see them!"

Note how the positive interactions snowball, pulling Jim and Linda closer together. Now, let's imagine an alternate scenario where Linda dismisses Jim's initial bid.

"Do you have plans for lunch?" Jim enquires.

"Lunch?! In this office? Who has the time?" Linda retorts, eyes glued to her computer screen, leaving Jim dejected.

Jim might mumble something about having lunch together another day, to which Linda might give a curt "Yeah, sure." But realistically, the communication between them is practically over — along with any chance for connection. Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, the previous versions of Jim and Linda are seated on a park bench, chuckling over photos of her dog and nurturing their relationship.

We've iterated this previously, and it's worth emphasizing again: bids carry more weight than they might initially seem. The manner in which they are presented and responded to can profoundly influence the trajectory of relationships.

Positive responses can still result from declining a bid

You might be thinking, "Wait a minute, am I expected to accept every invitation that comes my way? It sounds like if I decline or overlook a bid, I could be jeopardizing my relationships and pushing people away."

Rest assured, it's not as extreme as that. Thankfully, you can still accept others' bids and establish connections, even while turning down requests that you're unwilling, unable, or simply not keen on fulfilling. It all hinges on how you respond.

Always remember: Positive responses can still result from declining a bid.

Let's revisit our friends Jim and Linda and their lunch plans. In this scenario, Linda genuinely can't spare time for a break today, and so, can't accept Jim's bid as it is — an invitation to lunch together on this specific day.

But that doesn't mean she can't offer a positive response and align herself with the bid. "Oh, I'd absolutely love to grab lunch with you," she could say, "but I’m swamped with work today. How about tomorrow? Or perhaps we could get a coffee and catch up after work."

Notice how Linda affirms her desire to engage with Jim, even while declining his current proposal. She also suggests alternative ways for them to connect. In short, instead of firmly shutting the metaphorical door between them with a blunt rejection, she leaves it open and invites Jim to step closer.

Jim can now proceed with his bid, agreeing to one of Linda's alternatives and building on his initial proposition. For instance, he could offer to bring her lunch, giving her extra time to tackle her workload.

The same lesson applies to any bid that asks you to do something that you can't or don’t want to do. Rather than fretting about accepting it as is, or saying no and harming your relationship, seize the chance to assure the other person of your eagerness to connect.

Recall the tennis match analogy from earlier? Turning down a bid in this manner allows you to keep the ball of friendly communication in the air, volleying back and forth across the court.

Patterns of bid responses significantly shape our relationships over time

Take a moment to reflect on your recent interactions with those around you. Did you turn towards, turn away, or turn against someone’s bid?

Whatever your response, don’t fret too much. Whether you react to a bid positively or negatively, a single exchange won’t make or break your relationship. Relationships are built or deteriorated over time, through numerous bids and bid-responses.

However, your actions accumulate, so while one harsh word may not cause much damage, be wary of making a habit of harshness.

The takeaway here is: Patterns of bid responses significantly shape our relationships over time.

If a relationship is characterized by a pattern of one or both members responding negatively to the other, they’re likely to drift apart. Conversely, if the pattern is positive, they’ll typically grow closer.

This occurs for a couple of reasons. Firstly, reciprocating each other’s bids creates more opportunities for connection, whereas deflecting or reacting negatively does the opposite. As we observed with Jim and Linda, it can mean the difference between having, or missing out on, that lunch with your coworker.

Secondly, just as bids carry subtle messages, so too do our responses to them. If you accept a bid, you’re implicitly saying, “I value you. I enjoy your company.” But if you deflect or resist a bid, you may unintentionally communicate harmful messages, like “I don't appreciate you” or “I want to hurt you.”

Repeat these messages, and eventually a pattern emerges that the other person perceives as an indicator of your feelings towards them. If it’s positive, they’ll feel warmth towards you, which can be beneficial during conflicts. However, if it’s excessively negative, they might conclude that you dislike them and stop making bids for connection altogether. After all, why bother?

It should therefore come as no surprise that a pattern of negative bid responses is a strong predictor of marital issues. The authors’ research reveals that in heterosexual marriages on the brink of divorce, husbands negatively respond to their wives’ bids for connection a staggering 82 percent of the time. That figure plunges to a mere 19 percent in stable marriages.

So no, you don’t have to get things right all the time — but striving to do so most of the time is certainly worth aiming for!

Summary and key takeaways

Upon closely observing interactions with others, you'll realize that many are attempts to establish a connection. These bids for connection might be presented in abstract language or even veiled as complaints or criticism — requiring careful interpretation. Most importantly, keep in mind that your decision to lean into, steer away from, or resist a bid can greatly influence your relationships.