The Three Marriages - Book Summary

Discover the triad of commitments that shape a fulfilling life

Imagine for a moment that marriage isn't just a ring, a ceremony, or a legal document tying two individuals together in partnership. Consider instead that marriage symbolizes a deep, intimate bond and commitment—one that can be applied to various aspects of life. This isn't just a thought experiment; it's a profound shift in how we understand our relationships with the work that we do, the people we love, and importantly, with ourselves.

Embarking on a journey of understanding with "The Three Marriages," you'll come to realize that there is much more to "I do" than you may have initially thought. We enter into three distinct yet interconnected unions throughout our lives: a marriage to a significant other, a marriage to our vocations, and a marriage to our inner being. Each of these unions require time, dedication, and a nurturing love that can lead to a truly harmonious and satisfying existence.

In this exploration, expect to uncover:

- The curious way a passionate writer risked life and limb for an expression of love unknown to many,

- The refreshing way a poet transcended the ordinary experience of a zoo visit into a wellspring of creativity, and

- The heartfelt reasons why the unwed life of literary icon Jane Austen is a source of both joy and insight.

Get ready to delve into the concept of the three marriages and discover how to foster each one, creating a richer, more balanced life that honors the essence of commitment in all its forms.

The heart's folly often paves the way to our deepest connections

Love, they say, can make fools of us all. But within these acts of apparent foolishness, there can often be found the truest expressions of our hearts; though to the outside eye, these might seem irrational or even outright insane. This guide to life's multiple unions will show you how love can propel us into the realms of the extraordinary, help us discover new paths, and sometimes, turn a deaf ear to the chorus of cautionary voices surrounding us.

Take, for instance, the remarkable tale of Robert Louis Stevenson — the literary genius behind such classics as "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." His antics in France, at the age of 26, read like a scene from a romantic novella. One fateful day, Stevenson's eyes met those of Fanny Osbourne through a window, and Cupid's arrow struck with unerring accuracy. Letting impulsivity lead, he leaped through the threshold, his declaration of love as sudden as it was sincere. And what of Fanny's surprise? It ultimately metamorphosed into shared affection, and she embraced the role of Stevenson's lifelong muse and partner.

But as the turn of events demonstrated in Stevenson's life, love doesn't always follow a straight course. Often, it requires shedding the skin of our former lives and venturing into uncharted territories. Fanny’s situation wasn't uncomplicated — tied to a family in America, separation ensued, and illness later beckoned Stevenson across the vast ocean, despite his financial constraints. Love doesn't ask for the perfect moment; it demands now, and Stevenson heeded its call with a journey that mapped not only the geography of America but also the depth of his commitment.

However, love's insistence on the present can also render us selective listeners. Stevenson had learned this the hard way when, fueled by youthful ardor and optimistic visions, he hitchhiked to London. Ignoring seasoned hitchhikers warning him of the perils of unannounced romantic overtures, he found his arrival met with a reception far chillier than anticipated. The endearment he held for his holiday romance was unrequited, much to his chagrin.

Through these examples of courage, folly, and sometimes, a touch of absurdity, "The Three Marriages" presents a canvas where every act of love — no matter how ridiculous it may seem — adds a stroke to the portrait of our lives, be it splashed with the hues of passion, the greys of trials, or the celebratory golds of eventual triumph.

The challenging journey toward a lifelong romantic partnership

When it comes to the tangled web of romance, it's often a whirlwind of emotions: exhilarating at first, bewildering as it progresses, and suddenly, more complex than originally imagined. Entering into a lifelong commitment with someone isn't a seamless journey to eternal bliss; on the contrary, it's a path marked by trials and the need for resilience.

The rhapsodic period of romance, as many are surprised to find, doesn't come with a guarantee of immediate joy. It demands sacrifices, calls for compromises, and tests the strength of love in a way few other experiences can. The saga of Robert Louis Stevenson remains a testament to this very truth. He weathered the storm of scarcity in San Francisco, waiting while Fanny Osbourne deliberated over the difficult decision to divorce her husband during an era when such a choice could lead to social ostracism.

Choosing to marry is not a decision one should rush. Doubt is an integral part of the process, a necessary pause to reflect, to question, and ultimately to affirm the choice of partner. Without this introspection, one might find themselves in a circumstance similar to that of Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins from Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice," where a hasty marriage for security over love results in a dispassionate life of division under the same roof.

In stark contrast, the road that Fanny Osbourne and Robert Louis Stevenson traveled was strewn with obstacles, but their united front in both love and labor became the cornerstone of Stevenson's literary acclaim. Osbourne was not just a romantic partner but also a collaborator and confidante. She weighed in on manuscripts, tended to Stevenson's illnesses, and guarded him against the detrimental influences of wayward friends. Their partnership was a dynamic symphony of support and shared passion, which not only underpinned Stevenson’s creative success but also solidified their bond.

As we pivot from the complexities of romantic relationships, let's explore an equally passionate, though distinctly different, kind of love affair — the love for our vocation. This bond, much like romance, holds the potential for fulfillment, growth, and sometimes, an irrevocable alteration of our lives' trajectory.

Embrace your calling by pursuing passions and heeding life's whispers

Centuries ago, in an era markedly different from our own, a young, uneducated peasant woman named Joan of Arc received an unequivocal summons through a vision. She was to expel the invaders from her homeland and ensure the crown was restored to its rightful monarch. While Joan's calling was unmistakable, most of us aren't privy to such definitive directives. Instead, our dreams and vocations often speak in more subdued tones, and it's our task to attune ourselves to their frequency.

However, it's not uncommon for individuals to consciously or subconsciously mute their inner callings. Whether it's out of fear of narrowing our path or due to the daunting idea of committing to one sole pursuit, we sometimes sideline our passions. Yet, the heartening truth is that one pursuit might very well lead to another, unlocking passions we never knew we harbored.

Consider the author's childhood aspiration, ignited by the enchanting undersea worlds showcased in Jacques Cousteau's documentaries. Yet, as years passed and passions evolved, a stint in environmental conservation revealed a yearning for something else, something missing. It was within the scribbles of a poem that an unexpected vocation revealed itself — the calling of a writer.

For those still seeking their vocation, inspiration can emerge from numerous, diverse sources — from the magnificent to the mundane. For example, the revered poet William Wordsworth found his muse in the raw and untamed landscapes of Cumbria. His work echoes the untamed beauty of his environment, an ode to the land that shaped his poetic voice.

Conversely, Charles Dickens's inspiration was forged in adversity, in the dreary ambiance of a boot-blacking factory. The hard labor and grim conditions of his youth fueled a burning desire to voice the plight of Britain's lower classes. Dickens's journey illustrates how our greatest passions may take root in life's shadows, compelling us to shine a light on issues that would otherwise linger in darkness.

Joan, the author, Wordsworth, Dickens — their stories underline a shared wisdom: to find one’s true vocation, one must follow the heart's leanings, listen intently to the world’s subtle cues, and dare to traverse the myriad paths they pave. Whether bathed in beauty or cloaked in challenge, these paths guide us towards our destined labor of love.

Navigating through creative droughts can lead to profound personal growth

Anyone who's embarked on a creative endeavor knows the feeling all too well: a day filled with attempts to conjure up motivation, only to encounter the invisible wall of a block. No matter how many strategies you try, the muse remains elusive. It's an experience that leaves you with a cocktail of frustration and despair.

Yet, within this storm of negative emotions, there's a vital lesson to be learned — these feelings are not just obstacles but integral parts of the creative journey. German poet Rainer Maria Rilke eloquently equated the experience of being blocked to the arduous task of cutting a path through solid rock. Rather than dismissing these moments of struggle, Rilke recognized them as equally precious to those bursts of creative ecstasy. It's in wrestling with challenges that one is compelled to tap into new depths of inner resources, which fosters significant growth.

So how can we transform these daunting periods into opportunities for innovation and development?

To start, take inspiration from Rilke, who found solace and motivation in the company of encouraging friends. For him, it was the sculptor Auguste Rodin who interrupted his brooding and prompted him to visit the zoo. Rodin's advice was simple: observe an animal until the urge to write is reignited. This exercise bred “The Panther,” a poem where Rilke projects the panther's captive disorientation as a metaphor for his own trapped creative spirit.

There's also the approach of delving into the long-buried facets of ourselves. Rilke's childhood, for instance, was shadowed by his mother dressing him in girl's attire and a father who responded by sending him to an imperious military academy. These experiences left a deep-seated sense of inadequacy. Yet, during times of creative famine, Rilke could revisit the wounds and complexities of his past, discovering a wellspring of emotive power within those memories.

Rather than shying away from the difficult periods, embracing them with an understanding that they're inherently part of the creative process can spark a pivotal shift. This embrace, coupled with seeking out constructive relationships and confronting the hidden layers of our past, may just unlock the next chapter of our creative saga.

The choice to marry is not a universal imperative

There's a pervasive cultural narrative suggesting that matrimony stands as a pillar of personal achievement. However, through the life of celebrated author Jane Austen, we are gently reminded that a fulfilling life need not always include marriage.

Jane Austen, the literary virtuoso behind enduring classics such as "Pride and Prejudice" and "Mansfield Park," penned intricate tales of romance that have left countless readers pining for an era when love seemed simpler. Yet Austen herself, quite astonishingly, never walked down the aisle. The creator of some of literature's most stirring love stories remained unwed by the end of her narrative.

It's not that Austen shunned the idea of marriage. She grew up in a time when the institution defined a woman's life, and she relished every ball and social engagement as an opportunity for flirtation and the pursuit of a match. Love did strike Austen's heart—the young Tom Lefroy captured her affections. Alas, the heart's desires were often secondary to familial connections and financial stability, and these societal barriers made their union an impossibility.

But from this thwarted romance bloomed the opportunity for Austen to craft her literary masterpieces. Had she followed the conventional path of marriage, her existence would have likely been engrossed in raising children and supporting her husband's pursuits. The quiet solitude and singular focus she needed to write might have eluded her grasp entirely.

In this realization lies a broader truth: Love finds its expression in myriad forms, and while some channel their devotion into a partner, others pour it into their work or craft. Love for oneself, too, is an aspect of the human experience worthy of exploration, moving beyond the scope of romantic or vocational passions. It's this self-focused affection that we'll delve into next, understanding its role in complementing and completing our experience of love in all its dimensions.

Rediscovering youth's purity helps connect with the essence of who we truly are

Children possess a clarity and authenticity that is often envied by adults. Their actions are unfiltered, and their feelings are unguarded — a reflection of the honesty and bravery we associate with the most enlightened figures of our society. Such qualities are manifestations of being in tune with the inner self, a connection frequently obscured as we journey through adulthood.

The very compass that nudges us towards our passions and loves — our inner self — dims with time. The transition from childhood to the grown-up world can often lead to a disconnection from this internal guide. One of the culprits? An education system that emphasizes adherence to externally set objectives over personal exploration.

Consider competitive sports in childhood. The intrinsic desire children have to play and test their abilities is often overshadowed by the pressures from coaches and parents to win. This imposed narrative of ambition and victory can steer the child away, step by step, from their innate interests and ambitions, until the connection to their inner self is scarcely recognizable.

The quest to reacquaint ourselves with our inner selves, however, is not a lost cause. It begins with relearning the art of formulating our own questions. Unlike the educational tendency to engage with the inquiries and theories posited by historical figures, it's the process of crafting and grappling with our own, unique questions that allows us to grow.

For instance, the author, during his academic pursuits, was prompted to consider the age-old debate of monotheism versus polytheism. Yet this dichotomy restricted him to the existing spectrum of answers. Upon reflection, he penned a poem and unearthed a different, more personal inquiry: Do I feel safe, or do I feel abandoned? It wasn't a matter of the number of deities but a pursuit of inner security. Answering this question drew him closer to a fundamental aspect of his inner self, illustrating the power of personalized exploration.

The discovery that our essential questions might differ from those lauded in textbooks is an enlightening one. By embracing the unpretentious wisdom inherent to our youthful selves and articulating the queries shaped by our individual experiences, we begin the journey back to the core of our being.

Embracing the darker shades of our psyche can lead to inner peace

In the world of self-help literature, we are often inundated with the notion that positivity reigns supreme and that negative feelings are something to be rectified. Yet, this perspective doesn't fully embrace the complex tapestry of the human experience. It’s okay to feel annoyance, frustration, or despair — these emotions are not flaws but rather natural components of our psychology.

Buddhist teachings provide a refreshing approach to this universal condition, suggesting that through embracing and understanding our pain and sorrow, we find a pathway to profound self-awareness. This is the journey Deirdre Blomfield Brown took from the throes of depression to the enlightenment of the Buddhist way. It was the wisdom of Chögyam Trungpa that illuminated for her the realization that negativity becomes destructive not in its existence, but in our aversion to and fear of it. This pivotal understanding inspired her to walk the path of a Buddhist monk.

The question then arises: Is it possible to live devoid of anxiety and perturbation? Despite our hopes, these are feelings that are as innate to our being as breathing. They urge us toward stability and success, and it’s true to some extent that a measure of accomplishment can ease our worries. However, this doesn't imply that success is a panacea for anxiety. Often, with more to lose, our apprehensions grow in parallel with our achievements.

However, there is a sanctuary beyond the reach of our anxieties: the practice of meditation. It's not that meditation erases these fears; rather, it gifts us a vantage point from where we can observe them as benign, impermanent sensations. Meditation invites us to connect with a part of ourselves that's untroubled by the survival instinct, where we can watch our worries lose their grip on us.

This space that meditation opens up is both timeless and serene. Here, we can experience our emotions as fleeting visitors, recognizing that we are more than our momentary feelings. By embedding meditation into our lives, we gradually align ourselves with this tranquil perspective, empowering us to break free from the chains of anxiety and discover a more liberated existence.

Embracing solitude is a key step toward true connection with others

It's human nature to aspire to greater heights—to be more charismatic, to develop strength, to expand one’s intellect. However, these ambitions can sometimes cast a shadow over our present state, causing us to overlook the importance of self-acceptance. Climbing the ladder of self-improvement requires a foundation grounded in reality, including some uncomfortable truths about our solitary place in the universe.

The path to embracing oneself involves facing the starkness of this solitude. It's about allowing ourselves to be alone, to sit with our thoughts, to experience the full range of our isolation without distractions. In such stillness, we confront the essence of our being.

This was the profound realization that Deirdre Blomfield Brown had on her transformational journey to becoming Pema Chödron, a name she received as a Buddhist nun. During a troubling episode, feeling unliked and unsettled, she decided to meditate through the night alone. As she immersed herself in the pain and let it wash over her, a moment of clarity broke through—her anxieties were fleeting, just like the waves that skim the surface of the ocean. Beneath these surface-level disturbances lay the vast expanse of her true self, unaffected by the judgments of others. This insight granted her a sense of liberation, freeing her from the grip of her fears.

People who have faced their own depths in such a way often emit a palpable positivity that affects those around them. Imagine the transformative power of such a person's presence at a dinner party. In one instant, a child hiding behind the safety of a parent's legs is compelled to emerge and embrace a virtual stranger. This was the case when Satish Kumar, a monk and educator, arrived at the author's home. His genuine joy and serenity dissolved the child's reservations, enticing her to run into his open arms.

Through these experiences, we find that setting aside time to be alone with ourselves, uninterrupted by the noise of daily life, is paramount. It’s in these moments that we learn to appreciate the depths below the surface tumult. And it’s with the wisdom gained from this solitude that we can truly open our hearts to others, inviting them into the vastness of our calm inner seas.

Embrace the marriages of life for a richer, more meaningful existence

In the essence of life's pursuits, we find ourselves entwined in a series of profound commitments—marriages of sorts—that are far broader and more encompassing than traditional notions of matrimony. "The Three Marriages" invites us to consider these pivotal unions: with a life partner, with our vocation, and with our inner self.

When it comes to love, the book encourages a bold, unyielding pursuit of your partner, akin to crossing oceans for the sake of reuniting with a soulmate. Yet, it also advises not to forsake the work we cherish, for vocational passion provides a different kind of fulfillment, one that fuels our spirit and shapes our identity.

Indeed, when adversity strikes in any form, be it in love, work, or within ourselves, we shouldn't shy away from it. These trials are not mere setbacks. They're opportunities for soulful nourishment, chances to delve deeper into our true selves, and catalysts for personal growth.

"The Three Marriages" offers a comprehensive blueprint for navigating life's intertwined paths of relationships and self-discovery. By committing wholeheartedly to the love for another, the devotion to our work, and the acceptance of our true nature, we can weave a tapestry of a well-lived, meaningful life.