Verbal Judo - Book Summary

Unlock the power of words: your pathway to verbal mastery

Have you found yourself tangled in the thorny thicket of miscommunication, despite your earnest attempts at clarity? Have you watched helplessly as a conversation spiraled out of control, transforming a potentially meaningful interaction into an exchange of misunderstandings, impatience, even anger? You're far from alone. We've all grappled with these situations — at work, in our personal relationships, or even with people we barely know.

So how do you navigate these choppy seas of communication? How do you defuse the ticking time bomb of misunderstanding and present your thoughts with clarity and elegance?

Buckle up — we're about to embark on an exploration of 'Verbal Judo'. This linguistic martial art will empower you to dismantle the barriers of miscommunication, bolster your conversational prowess, and help you foster meaningful dialogue. Let's dive into the dynamic techniques.

We will also uncover:

- Why commanding orders tend to do more harm than good in conversation,

- How empathy can serve as the ultimate stress-dissolving elixir in tense exchanges, and

- The underestimated potential of paraphrasing as an effective tool in communication.

Mastering the art of communication: lessons learned under challenging circumstances

Imagine yourself a new police recruit, plunged into the gritty reality of law enforcement. It's past midnight, and you're dispatched to mediate a domestic quarrel in a tough part of Emporia, Kansas. Daunting? You bet. But this was a reality for the author, blessedly partnered with veteran cop Bruce Fair, the man who first introduced him to the finesse of 'Verbal Judo'.

This martial art of words isn't shackled by fixed rules. The real power unfolds in how effectively it's wielded.

Let's look back at how officer Fair handled the volatile scenario. He ventured into the heart of the uproar, took a seat on the bickering couple's couch, and began leisurely reading the newspaper. The arguing couple took notice but continued their heated dispute. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, officer Fair interjected, requesting the use of their telephone. Bewildered by this unexpected interruption, they conceded, and their argument came to a pause.

Officer Fair pretended to be miffed at the refusal of his call at such an unearthly hour, gently reminding the couple to keep the noise down. In a surprising turn of events, the tense situation dissolved peacefully.

This baffling incident became the author's inaugural lesson in the potent art of communication.

Learning from experienced officers as they skillfully diffuse tense exchanges offers invaluable lessons in communication. However, such understanding does not come easily. Even the author had initial difficulty in deciphering the approach adopted by officer Fair that night. When asked about his peculiar course of action, officer Fair simply stated that he had been following his gut.

Hungry to unravel this mystery, the author embarked on a quest to uncover the logic behind these instincts. Over the following years, he studied his colleagues' communication strategies, meticulously documenting their approaches. This diligent pursuit culminated in the author's comprehensive guide to mastering the art of 'Verbal Judo'.

Communicate with respect: steer clear of imperatives and condescension while making rules clear

Have you ever faced the ire of a stranger over some trivial transgression, perhaps an innocuous jaywalk on a deserted street? If you have, you can safely bet that the person scolding you hasn't been initiated into the finesse of Verbal Judo. This is because, at the core of effective communication, there lies the philosophy of avoiding imperatives and condescension.

A few phrases, typically tossed around by both law enforcement officers and everyday civilians, should be sidestepped for smoother exchanges. For instance, a barked "Come here!" does more harm than good. Not only does it come off as menacing, but it also fails to offer any reason why the person should oblige. A more effective alternative? Gently get the individual's attention and request a moment of their time.

Steer clear of "You wouldn't understand" too — it's dripping with condescension and insinuates that the other person is intellectually inferior. Instead, try explaining the complexity of the matter at hand. Assure them that it's the nature of the information, not their intellectual capacity, that might make comprehension challenging.

Part of mastering Verbal Judo is the art of explaining the rules you're enforcing. Asserting your authority without providing the reasoning behind it undermines the effectiveness of your communication. A prime example of this mistake is the unhelpful and often irritating assertion "The rules are the rules" — a phrase all too familiar to kids, courtesy of parents, teachers, and law enforcement officers.

Any child can vouch for how frustratingly unconvincing this statement is. If there's a valid reason behind a rule, it's worth taking the time to articulate it. For example, instead of simply insisting that bedtime is at 7 p.m., explain that adequate sleep is crucial for a fresh and alert start the next day at school.

Effective communication requires empathizing with another's perspective

Do you ever wish you had a magic tool to dissipate the tension in your interactions with others? Ever wished for an instrument to eradicate the discomfort that comes with relationships? Well, the good news is that such a tool exists. It goes by the name of empathy – a fundamental ingredient in the recipe for excellent communication.

Emphasizing its significance, the author unpacks the etymological roots of the word empathy. It's a blend of the Latin prefix em- translating to "to see through" and the Greek suffix pathy, meaning "the other’s eye". As such, empathy literally entails seeing the world through another person's eyes. It's about stepping into the shoes of others – be it your spouse, boss, or friend. It's inarguably crucial in any and all relationships.

Without empathy, conversations merely consist of mindless exchanges, devoid of genuine communication. However, it's key to understand the distinction between empathy and sympathy. You don't need to hold any particular affection for a person to empathize — you only need to acknowledge and understand their perspective.

Developing empathy can equip you not only for deescalating tense situations, but can, at times, also emerge as a lifesaver. Let's revisit the author's days in the police force — one frigid, windy night, he was called to thwart a suicide attempt. He arrived on the scene to find a man, perched in a bathtub, threatening to electrocute himself with a heater.

In such situations, the instinctive approach is to convince the person that their life is valuable, and suicide is unreasonable — an attempt at dissuasion rooted in a non-suicidal perspective. This lacks empathy. Instead, the author pointed out the horrific nature of death by electrocution, even augmenting its gruesome aspects. He then proceeded to list other ways to end one's life. Surprisingly, this unconventional approach helped ease the tension, leading the man to eventually abandon his suicide attempt.

Master the art of interruption and paraphrasing to maintain effective dialogue

Have you ever been trapped in a one-sided conversation, where the other person relentlessly goes on and on, not giving you any space to contribute? You might wonder, how can one tactfully interrupt without causing offense?

The solution lies in employing the powerful tool of paraphrasing — which is a fancy term for restating another's words in your own language.

The tricky part, of course, is interrupting the speaker first. This can feel like tiptoeing across a minefield, especially when dealing with a chatterbox or someone in an emotionally fragile state. But the reality is, you need to muster the courage and go for it.

But remember — keep your interruption neutral. Steer clear of judgmental intrusions like curtly asking them to zip it or chill out. Opt for a single-word interjection like "whoa!" or "hold on!" Whatever your choice, ensure to say it in an even tone, encouraging your interlocutor to halt. And in that pause, lies your golden opportunity to paraphrase.

This tactic is a gem from the treasury of Verbal Judo. It's profoundly empathetic, signaling that you've been listening and are making an effort to understand.

To kickstart this approach, mention that you want to ensure you've understood correctly. This instantaneously communicates your consideration and attentiveness. Once you've won their attention, you gain control and can utilize this to further clarify what the speaker wants to convey.

Say, for instance, your partner accuses you of constantly coming home late. You could ask them if they truly believe that you're perpetually tardy. More likely than not, they'll revise their accusation and admit that while you're not late every day, you have been for the past three nights. From here, you can explain the reasons behind your recent tardiness, pacifying the situation.

Advance your communication skills by recognizing and addressing your shortcomings

Used correctly, communication can be a powerful tool, capable of pacifying even the most cantankerous individuals. However, to achieve this prowess, you must painstakingly hone your skills to the level of a contact professional. This label is reserved for those who can perform exceptionally well under intense pressure, setting them apart from just good communicators.

Let's use the renowned basketball player, Michael Jordan, as an analogy. The higher the stakes, the better his performance on the court. Apply the same principle to your communication skills. But how do you reach that level of professionalism?

The first step is to identify and label your communication weaknesses — let's dub these your inner adversaries.

Look at the author's own experience. He identified that any challenge to his authority triggered intense dislike within him — his personal inner adversary.

Overcoming this wasn't a cakewalk. There were instances where he had to apprehend someone who, rather than complying peacefully, began flaunting their influential network, goading the author with the inevitability of their release. Such situations stirred a hotheaded response in the author, tempting him to snap back with a defiant "want to bet?"

His frustration often led him to make mistakes in handling the individuals in his custody. Thus, he labeled his inner adversary as his "want to bet" voice. Merely naming it made it easier for him to recognize its emergence and consequently control it, enabling him to keep his cool and refrain from retaliatory outbursts.

The potency of your words depends on both content and delivery

Ever felt like you're having a conversation with someone in a different language, even though you're both speaking English? In the world of communication, this phenomenon accentuates the need for 'translation' — the knack for choosing just the right words to convey your thoughts precisely.

This skill is vital as day-to-day dialogues are often riddled with miscommunications due to a lack of precision in the language used. Translation aims to channel your exact thoughts into the other person's mind through the vehicle of language. However, to achieve this, you must first be crystal clear about what you want to communicate. For example, you want to apologize to your partner for forgetting your anniversary.

Next, you must deliberate on the exact phrasing you wish to use. There are countless ways to express regret, some being effective, while others fall short.

Having determined both content and phrasing, you then convey your message and gauge its reception. If your partner merely shrugs and walks away, your apology probably hasn't hit the mark.

Successful translation hinges on customizing your language to suit your audience. Effective communication isn't a one-size-fits-all scenario, requiring you to adapt your conversation style according to the individual before you.

Take, for instance, a city police officer who encounters diverse demographics daily. The tone employed when interacting with a senior citizen would be different from that used with a young urban dweller. A useful guideline would be to respect everyone while modulating your tone to suit each person's uniqueness.

Parents typically demonstrate this idea — they tend to adopt a distinct way of communicating with each child, acknowledging their unique personalities and reactions. This flexible approach to conversation is not just confined to parental interactions but applies universally.

Deploying mediation tactics can diffuse tense and hazardous scenarios

If you were to educate a child on how to cross a road safely, you would first take them to a busy intersection. They would observe vehicles moving to and fro, some heading in one direction, others in the opposite, and occasionally, they would stop. The child, however, might not discern the reason for the halt until you point out the traffic lights and clarify that green indicates go, and red means stop.

In highlighting this detail, you're performing the role of a mediator, helping the child unravel a new piece of understanding. Interestingly, this mediation skill holds significant value in professions like law enforcement.

In fact, mediation can rescue police officers from perilous predicaments as they frequently deal with individuals who have lost their sense of reason. To illustrate this, let's delve into an episode from the author's career, a few months into his tenure as a police officer, where he was summoned to manage a man creating a ruckus at a bar.

Upon reaching the location, the author encountered a burly man in the alley, brandishing a shattered whiskey bottle, and moving menacingly toward him. The author initially informed the man about the complaints lodged against him and requested him to accompany him to the station.

Predictably, the man refused to comply, considering his intimidating size as a weapon against the author.

Switching tactics, the author decided to employ mediation. He queried the man about his intentions — was he planning to attack the author with the bottle?

The author then explained the implications of his current charges — a misdemeanor, equating to just a single night in jail. However, if he attempted to assault an officer, it would escalate to a felony — significantly intensifying the charges against him.

The essence of mediation lies in illuminating the facts. By shedding light on the situation for the man in the alley, the author succeeded in defusing the tension. The man, understanding his predicament, discarded the bottle and permitted himself to be taken into custody.

Tangles in relationships are inevitable but can steer towards constructive outcomes

Almost every couple dreams of a harmonious and intimate life. However, reality often presents a stark contrast. Relationships demand effort, and domestic disagreements inevitably arise, sometimes quite unexpectedly.

Take the case of one of the author's friends, who got married to a woman with four children from a previous marriage. Two months in, the friend was still basking in the warm afterglow of the honeymoon phase. Everything appeared picture perfect.

Then one day, after a grueling day at work, he returned home only to face an unexpected onslaught from his wife. She accused him of deliberately undermining her authority with the kids each evening when he got home. The reaction was typical of any husband caught off-guard — initial shock swiftly followed by annoyance and anger. Thus began a tumultuous night.

But it could have played out differently.

In fact, domestic disagreements can be steered towards positive outcomes when tackled aptly. Let's apply what you've learned so far to this scenario.

Firstly, interject with a concise empathetic statement, such as, "Whoa! Let's pause for a second, I want to ensure I fully understand you." Utilize this interjection to paraphrase your partner's words. In this context, you could ask if your partner genuinely believes you undermine her authority every night and questions if she assumes it to be intentional.

This approach can tone down your partner's accusation, paving the way for a constructive discussion on potential improvements. Engaging in conflict in this way provides an opportunity for your partner to witness your love and commitment, and this realization will be returned a hundredfold.

Now that you're armed with techniques to navigate even the most intimate of situations, your Verbal Judo arsenal is complete. You are now ready to tactfully assert your authority and tackle relationship hurdles constructively.

In a nutshell

The fundamental takeaway in this book:

You don't need to resort to aggression to assert your authority or make your voice heard. In fact, your communication will significantly improve if you employ Verbal Judo. This approach encompasses sidestepping any form of condescension, empathizing with your conversational partner, and employing paraphrasing and mediation techniques when required. Furthermore, it involves recognizing and refining your communication shortcomings. Once you master these principles, you'll be equipped to communicate effectively in any circumstance.