Women Who Love Too Much - Book Summary

The riddle of attraction: Deciphering the allure of unavailable men

Ever wondered why some women seem irresistibly drawn towards emotionally distant men? Perhaps it's the half-hearted enthusiast who invests more love into his liquor than his lady, or the taken man, always ready with promises of a new life together, yet firmly anchored to his spouse. These flawed and indecisive partners bear a peculiar, magnetic charm for certain women. But what fuels this yearning for a man who plainly isn't invested? It's all too convenient to brush off these destructive relationship patterns as poor decisions or a string of unfortunate encounters, but the reality is a lot more unsettling—and at the same time, liberating.

Venture with us as we delve deep into the obscure underbelly of female insecurity. We'll explore accounts from real-life therapy sessions during the 1980s and groundbreaking insights, aiming to understand what impels some women to obsess over men who are decidedly unsuitable. We'll traverse through the various stages of life—from childhood to sex and marriage—to understand why certain women grapple with the ailment of loving too intensely, and how we can mend from this most subtle form of love-induced malaise.

Join us to unravel

—how childhood experiences cast long shadows on adult relationships;

—the uncanny commonality between substance misuse and attraction towards flawed men; and

—strategies to liberate yourself from the clutches of relationship insecurities.

Misunderstanding love: The mistaking of emotional distress for affection

Let us take you to the world of Jill, a 29-year-old law student who found herself captivated by the charming Randy, a handsome lawyer. Their connection was immediate, culminating in an intimate weekend just seven days after their initial encounter, marking the beginning of a long-distance romance.

But the fairy tale romance began to crack as the first week ended.

Post their passionate weekend, Randy returned to his own place, with Jill's call waiting for him before he could even step in. Was his flight back alright, she wondered—her worry for his wellbeing constant and significant. Not a single night passed without Jill reaching out to Randy. Even though they agreed to take turns in initiating contact, Randy's frequent lack of initiative left Jill fretful, leading her to break their agreement and dial his number.

As their relationship progressed, Jill exhaustively endeavored to secure Randy's commitment. Randy, on the other hand, cautioned that her constant pressure might push him away. But this only made Jill redouble her efforts. She quickly slipped into the role of his confidante, aiding him in decoding his emotions. Randy's constant refrain? His indecisiveness about what he wanted. Failing to accept this, Jill believed she needed to strive harder to win his heart, even flying across the miles to spend a weekend with him. Randy's response to her determined efforts? Spending the entire time riveted to the television, consuming alcohol, and completely disregarding her presence.

Jill's actions exhibit the characteristic traits of a woman who 'loves too much.'

When we discuss women who love too much, we are referring to women who, like Jill, foster an obsessive fascination for a man, erroneously defining this obsession as love. Consequently, this obsession dictates their actions and emotional state—as evident from Jill's relentless calls to Randy. Even when they realize the detrimental impact on their emotional health, these women find it impossible to break away. In other words, despite Randy's continued ambiguity and neglect causing pain to Jill, she found herself unable to detach from him.

Women like Jill, one of the author's numerous distressed female clients, share a common fallacy—they equate the sensation of love with emotional pain, wrongfully believing that the more love hurts, the truer it is.

Unraveling the past: Childhood anguish and the pursuit of emotionally distant men

What are the distinguishing traits of a man who becomes the recipient of such unwavering attention, devotion, and obsession? One might expect him to be physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, or possessing some intriguing appeal. But surprisingly, the men who are the objects of excessive affection often lack these qualities. Instead, they invariably share one rather unexceptional characteristic: their emotional unavailability.

Women who love excessively find themselves inexplicably drawn towards men who maintain an emotional distance and are unwilling to engage in a meaningful relationship.

This unfortunate reality often results in these women gravitating towards dysfunctional men. For example, it's not uncommon for women who love too much to fixate on men already in committed relationships, primarily because their marital status automatically renders them unattainable.

Even more troubling is the tendency of these women to concentrate their affections on men who grapple with addiction, whether it be to drugs or alcohol. These men, too, are emotionally distant due to their incessant preoccupation with their addiction, leaving little room for them to cultivate a substantial relationship.

But what drives women who love too much to seek out such blatantly unsuitable partners? The heart-rending truth often traces back to the woman's childhood experiences.

As a therapist assisting countless women who love too much, the author has encountered a distressingly familiar narrative. More often than not, these women spent their formative years with fathers who seldom displayed any sign of love or affection towards them. One woman recollected that the only time her father verbally expressed his love for her was when she, at the age of 18, explicitly asked him to do so. Her childhood was spent in constant uncertainty about her father's feelings for her.

As grown women, these unresolved emotions of doubt regarding their father's love persist, prompting them to invariably seek men who mirror their fathers' emotional unavailability in their romantic relationships. Why does this happen? Subconsciously, these women are attempting to rectify their painful past. By dedicating themselves entirely to an emotionally unavailable man, they hope to earn his affection—ultimately validating their worthiness of the love that their father denied them throughout their lives.

Sex as an emotional currency: The futile attempts of women who love too much

In their relentless quest to secure affection, women who love too much frequently resort to a particular strategy: sex. Tragically, this doomed attempt to trade sexual intimacy for love often culminates in rejection.

Allow us to introduce you to Trudi, a perfect embodiment of a woman who loves too much. Like numerous women the author has worked with, Trudi grew up attempting to appease her workaholic father, a man so consumed by his job that sharing a meal with his family was a rarity. As she matured, Trudi found herself yearning for men who bore a striking resemblance to her father—in their emotional unavailability. First came her high-school sweetheart, a football enthusiast whose devotion to the sport far exceeded his feelings for her. Next, she was smitten by a married man, a father of three, who courted her for a meager few hours each week.

And how did Trudi endeavor to captivate these emotionally inaccessible men? Through the transformative power of sex—or so she believed.

In high school, the thought of sex preoccupied Trudi to a disturbing degree. Her classes were spent strategizing how she could arrange private encounters with her boyfriend for their intimate moments. Her fixation on sex was so profound that she found herself wondering if she was grappling with nymphomania, given the extremes she undertook to ensure trysts with her sports-obsessed lover. Her approach towards her married lover was no different—she would spend her days apart from him contemplating how she could enhance her sexual allure for their next meeting. Her obsession drove her to prioritizing purchasing provocative lingerie and learning advanced sexual techniques over maintaining friendships or attending college classes. In a matter of months, she found herself excluding all other aspects of her life in favor of focusing on their sexual relationship.

Trudi's intensified focus on sex was not motivated by fulfilling her own sexual desires. Instead, it was the sense of validation derived from her partners' pleasure that compelled her. The more she perceived that they were sexually satisfied, the more gratified and fulfilled she felt.

Sadly, this sexual strategy was always fated to be unsuccessful. Why? Because sex does not replace deeper emotional intimacy, a fact that Trudi learned the hard way. Try as she might to win their love through physical intimacy, her partners remained emotionally distant. Her high-school boyfriend moved on, choosing a college football scholarship over her, while her married lover eventually decided against maintaining their affair, opting instead to remain with his wife and family.

Dealing with deeper addictions: The complex relationship between the substance and emotional dependency in women who love too much

When their infatuations reach alarming proportions, women who love too much transform into relationship junkies—addicted to emotionally distant men, and paradoxically, hooked onto the emotional suffering that accompanies their unrequited love. However, for several among these women, their addictions extend beyond troubled relationships and seep into other perilous facets of their lives.

Whether it's drugs, alcohol, or even comfort foods high in sugar—women who love too much often find themselves succumbing to various forms of dependency to help cope with deep-rooted childhood issues. These addictions, particularly those pertaining to food, manifest as coping mechanisms to stave off reality, numb their profound feelings of emptiness, and offer a brief escape from their unbearable emotional distress.

For these women enslaved by love, overcoming their addiction to emotionally unavailable men simultaneously necessitates conquering their substance dependencies.

Why must these two recoveries occur in tandem?

As these women veer increasingly towards substance abuse, their guilt, shame, and self-loathing intensify. These heightened negative sentiments incite a desperation for reassurance that only romantic relationships seem to promise. These women yearn for a partner who could nurture their deteriorating self-esteem, love them when they can't bring themselves to love.

Regrettably, women who love too much consistently seem to gravitate towards precisely the wrong person for this reassurance—emotionally unavailable men. Their familiar failure to captivate these men only plunges them deeper into their substance dependency, thereby setting in motion a destructive cycle of substance abuse, troubled relationships, and rejection. Rapidly, their circumstances spiral out of control.

Consider Brenda, a woman whose story is a candid illustration of the perilous road women who love excessively embark upon when food addiction compounds their predicament.

As an overweight adolescent, Brenda was often subjected to her alcoholic father's ruthless taunts about her appearance—a man who, incidentally, was emotionally distant. As she matured, Brenda oscillated between bouts of obesity—indulging her addiction to sweets—and periods of extreme thinness, brought about by starving herself and deliberately purging post meals. True to the pattern of women who love too much, Brenda further intensified her burden of unhealthy behaviors and unresolved emotions by marrying a man who bore a striking resemblance to her father—an unfaithful alcoholic. As her marital life went from bad to worse, so did her addictions. Her compulsion to shoplift paralleled her intentional starvations, ultimately ending in Brenda's arrest for theft before she finally sought treatment.

Recovery: Find the help you need and make healing your utmost priority

Given its damaging influence on women's mental health and overall well-being, excessive love can be likened to a perilous disease—one that can consume your life. That begs the all-important question: how can one recover from this affliction and relinquish their obsessions?

Reflecting on her experience as a therapist, the author identified some common patterns among women who eventually found their path to recovery.

Firstly, the women who emerged triumphant were ones unafraid to reach out and seek help.

The first step towards help might be as uncomplicated as visiting a local library and borrowing a book that enlightens you about your childhood dilemmas—perhaps those associated with having alcoholic parents. If you can afford it, consider booking a consultation with a therapist to engage in an in-depth discussion about your concerns. A female counselor might be an ideal choice due to the shared understanding both of you can develop about the female experience in today's society, enabling a deeper connection and relatability. In extreme cases, if you're a victim of physical or emotional abuse by your man, don't hesitate to involve the police.

In addition to sourcing help, the author found that all women who eventually rehabilitated held a common conviction: they regarded recovery from this addiction as their foremost priority.

This attitude towards healing is pivotal. Quite often, women who love too much find it difficult to prioritize their own needs. The question dominating their minds usually revolves around their man’s wants and needs, with their own requirements habitually taking a backseat. However, serious recovery stipulates that you prioritize yourself henceforth. In pragmatic terms, this signifies that the time earmarked for therapy or support groups should not be postponed, rescheduled, or missed due to any obligations related to the man you've been obsessing over. Remember, seeking the help you need supersedes any need that you believe you must fulfill for your man, be it cooking dinner, ensuring his happiness, or striving to avoid his anger or criticism. It's time to stop putting others first and prioritize your healing.

Your attempts to transform an emotionally unavailable man were always bound to flounder, but with perseverance and patience, you indeed have the power to change—yourself.

Complete healing: Reclaiming your self-esteem and recalibrating your views on men

How can you truly ascertain if you've emerged victorious from the battle against loving too much? Let's delve into the transformative changes observed in a woman who successfully wraps up her tumultuous journey of obsessions and unresolved childhood issues.

Post recovery, you'll find yourself armed with a potent sense of self-worth. This experience might be entirely novel for you—accepting and embracing your true self.

However, remember, this suggests a profound self-acceptance and not necessarily an unequivocal endorsement of every dimension of oneself. There will invariably be facets of ourselves that we don't fancy and wish to alter. The key is to sustain a hearty, unwavering regard for oneself. You'll find yourself cherishing your physical attributes, your unique personality, all that you've painstakingly achieved in life, and even your body. You'll learn to appreciate yourself, nurturing this newfound love for oneself with time.

Adding to this, your sentiments towards men will also undergo a remarkable change.

Previously dominated by a compulsive need to alter every man you encountered, you will no longer feel the necessity to do so. You wouldn't find yourself trying to coax out commitment or emotions from him, nor would you strive to shape him according to your needs.

What makes this radical shift possible?

Simple—you stop seeking men who call for alterations in the first place. Instead, you find yourself gravitating towards suitable partners. Formerly, you left yourself vulnerable to manipulations by men who disregarded your best interests. You might've courted abusive alcoholics or lovers prone to unfaithfulness. But now, you seek stable, affectionate, and considerate partners. And, should you find yourself inadvertently sliding into a harmful relationship, you're quick to examine it critically and muster the strength to walk away.

Finally, and most vitally, your outlook undergoes a metamorphosis—you now favor tranquility and calm over chaos and drama.

Once convinced that true love was synonymous with longing, denial, and heartbreak, you come to realize that significant bonds between men and women are rooted in mutual respect, regard, and companionship.

Garnering the courage and valor to transform will guide you to the life you deserve—one brimming with authentic love.

The crux of the matter

The central theme of this narrative revolves around the profound ease with which women burdened with unresolved past traumas can inadvertently echo these sorrows in their adult relationships. Women who excessively love find themselves lured towards emotionally unavailable men—becoming obsessively devoted to attaining their elusive affection, thus validating their self-worth, which was ostensibly denied to them by their parents. Nevertheless, it is only with the conviction to heal, coupled with prioritizing her own needs, that such a woman can reconstruct her self-esteem and uncover the true essence of authentic love.